You know, there's an interesting little quasi-paradox there:
Any person offering legal advice who had the best interests of
the client as their prime motivation, would be duty-bound to
inform the client as to the quality of representation they could
expect... *including* informing the client of what the
Canadian Bar Association has to say about the general qualifications
and certification procedures for paralegals. I don't recall that the
CBA was very flattering on the subject.
So do paralegals say to clients that "According to the CBA, if you knew
what was good for you, you wouldn't be consulting me about anything
That's like asking me if I'd like to pull a turd from my rectum and make
love to it!
I kidd, I kidd. I'm only making fun. It's what I do. I love to poop on
Seriously, though, lawyers are the best, they have helped me through so many
I have a couple of lawyers jokes prepared in cases such as this.
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know
Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor.
The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the
rest a bad name.
It was so cold one February day in Winnipeg that I saw a lawyer with his
hands in his own pockets!
Question and Answer
Why do lawyers wear tight ties?
So their foreskin doesn't creep up and cover their face.
What's the difference between a dead lawyer on a street and a dead dog on
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What's black and brown and look great on lawyers?
What's the difference between a Rooster and a Lawyer?
A rooster clucks defiance.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Why does the American Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and
To prevent the client for being billed twice for what is essentially the
Why do they bury lawyers 27 feet under?
'Cuz deep, deep down, they're good people!
What's the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.
Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic
New Jersey had first pick.
How can you tell when a lawyer is well hung?
When you can't get your finger between the noose and his neck.
What the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
The prostitute quits after you're dead!
What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
Their lips move.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off it's head
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?
Occasionally a duck will stick its bill up its ass.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A bit of revenge
What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?
Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer
Slightly bigger lawyer jokes
An anxious 15 year old girl comes home from school.
"Mum," she asks tentatively, "can you get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Don't be silly of course you can," replies her mother, "where do you think
lawyers come from?"
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you
serve lawyers here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
A lawyer died and found himself at the pearly gates. He was admitted to
heaven. He saw saints, martyrs, philanthropists, and great good people with
their harps and wings all being treated very well. To his surprise, he was
given a golden harp, special treatment, and a throne near God. He was
treated much better than anyone else. He asked, "Are all lawyers treated
like this?" He was answered, "We don't know. You're the first lawyer that's
ever been here!"
Malborn sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear
the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly
cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair
amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible to
assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a
doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car
phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes. It's cold and damp, and both men are
shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip
flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts
"Aren't you also going to have a drink?" the doctor says.
"After the police get here." replies the lawyer.
Three doctors were standing around and started talking about which patients
were the easiest to operate on.
The first doctor says "Germans, because everything inside is neat and
orderly and always in its place."
The second doctor said "Japanese patients, because you open them up and all
there is is a circuit board to interchange."
"No! No! You're both wrong", said the third doctor," Lawyers are the easiest
to operate on. They,re gutless. The only organs they have are lips and
assholes -- and those are interchangeable!"
It seems that there's a fence between Heaven and Hell, which is cared for in
alternate aeons by the two sides. It has fallen into disrepair.
St. Peter seeks out Lucifer.
"Hey Lou, it's your turn to fix the fence. The Boss says it looks awful. Get
"I don't care how it looks," says Lucifer. "I'm not doing anything."
"You have to," says St. Peter. "It's your official obligation. We have a
contract to that effect. You're committed."
"I don't give a fig for any contract," says Lucifer, "as you should know by
now, I don't care what it says -- I'm not going to do anything."
"You have to," insists St. Peter. The law is the law. If you force us to,
we'll have to sue you."
"Sue me?" cries Lucifer, breaking into that famous nasty laugh, "Where are
YOU gonna get a lawyer?"
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another,
"Did you know that in our lab we have switched from rats to lawyers for our
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
1.. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats.
This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being
2.. Lawyers breed faster.
3.. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies
won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4.. There are some things even a rat won't do.
However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign
remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular
brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for (other generic profession) brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking
at the zoo one day:
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later
that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing
like that to a seven-year-old?"
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed
to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to
donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to
bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
a.. Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely
and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and
forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to
perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and
otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door,
through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living
area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination
being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not
required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
b.. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following steps:
1.. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and
rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise
direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation
of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the
party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of
the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of
the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned
customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however,
both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform
and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held
blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned
so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is
observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2.. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the
party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all
applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the
party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in
a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one
of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should
occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party
of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his
heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the
objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity
of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of
ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The
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what is a 1/2 consult? is he only paying attention 1/2 the time?
> If you ae fired unjustly, he will get your job back, but your boss
> doesn't have to pay you.
Hey! That what unions do....