Unfaithful 123

[Raina Giorno]

Inmy last article, I talked about three ways to lead faithful team members. From the Parable of the Talents, we discovered how the master led faithful leaders by commending them, entrusting them with more responsibility, and rewarding them. So, how do you deal with the unfaithful team member?

Leaders today are frustrated by a lack of clarity, ineffective systems, dysfunctional teams, and unhealthy cultures. I speak, coach, and write to help motivated pastors and leaders gain clarity, build high-performing teams, and maximize organizational health.

Research shows that there is a growing number of unfaithful women. Exact numbers are hard to come by, and I expect that will always be the case. If unfaithful spouses are lying, why would they be honest in research? Regardless, I think we can all learn qualitatively. And I feel called to put a voice behind the myths and questions out there.

What I believe is more true, is that I just gave up on the marriage. I gave up on our marriage before I ever put any effort into it. Sadly, we put more time and money into our lawn and home than we did our marriage.

I felt dead in the marriage.

I assumed my husband didn't care about me.

I stopped loving.

I quit trying.

I had completely unrealistic expectations of what a marriage should be.

I was really unfair to my husband to had expected him to be the bread winner, the knight in shining armor, the best friend, the expert dater, the perfect father, and to meet all of my broken needs.

I was a pretty self-absorbed piece of crap.

But I cannot say that I had an affair because I wanted to leave our marriage. This idea was terribly confusing for my husband at first and we really struggled because of it. This "myth" was incredibly difficult for us to overcome, because it implied to him that I always had wanted to leave him. This "myth" suggested that he was always plan B and I was just biding my time until I could find someone better that came along. The truth is, I was unfaithful because I am broken and sinful. I am selfish. To say I had intentions of leaving would have meant I actually thought something through. And trust me when I say I wasn't thinking clearly or at all during my infidelity.

I don't mean to ever minimize what I have done. Ever. But to give myself any sort of credit that I had clarity of what I wanted or needed during my affairs seems ludicrous to me. I will be the first to jump in line and tell you how lost and unclear my thinking was. There is a saying "you can't blame the lost for being lost". While I certainly take 100% of the blame and responsibility for my sin, I also realize that in my selfishness and brokenness, I took the road map and I threw it out the window. But here is probably the ugliest and most honest thing I can admit about my infidelity. I think I was so wildly prideful and controlling, I always assumed I would never get caught. I assumed I could, in gluttonous fashion, keep my marriage and get my affirmation elsewhere. I never thought about the future, just the now.

Being in an affair is much like being in a sixth-grade romantic relationship. It is downright embarrassing to come to terms with the reality that "I never thought that far ahead". I'm truly sorrowful for how shallow and insecure that sounds. I wish I had known better. I wish I had thought of anyone but myself. I cringe to think about the woman I became in those relationships.

There are certain nuances between women and men for sure. But for most women who cheat, there is a raging insecurity underneath our facade that we have felt shame about and hidden from the rest of the world, including our spouses. And, you guessed it, a lack of firm boundaries. That all wraps itself up into an incredibly deep web of shame.

Saddest of all is that by betraying our mates, we transfer all of that pain right into their hands. I will always be grateful for the time I was given to sort out my junk. I am forever grateful for the wisdom that AR will give us in that we should not rush to make decisions. I am grateful for you, the community of folks out there trying to sort out the pain and find healing.

This article was perfectly timed. I woke up this morning deeply wishing I could talk to a wayward wife in order to better understand her half of the dynamic my wayward husband is in. Your article was both enlightening and validating (as it confirmed many things I have intuitively understood). This is exactly what I needed this morning and increased my understanding of and compassion for the humanity of all parties involved. Thank you for your incredible vulnerability, transparency and honesty.

Thank you for your sharing. Your words support what my husband has expressed about his affairs. As a betrayed spouse, it can be difficult to overcome the myths. The road to healing is not easy but so worth the journey.

My unfaithful husband could have written your blog. I am the one who insisted that he did it as a way to end our marriage. We had always agreed that it would be a deal breaker so he knew what he was doing. With time and work, including AR, I have come to learn that he had his affair for exactly the reasons you shared in you blog.

Thank you for sharing.

I find it comforting. Thanks for sharing this. My wife is learning about herself right now. It's always inspiring to us to follow you on your journey. You have helped us a lot. Sometimes, what you have discovered about yourself, has helped her see things she hadn't before. In this case, you helped me feel things a little differently as a betrayed husband.

Dear Elizabeth

I really appreciate your vulnerability sharing your journey. I am a betrayed wife and I believe much of what you have shared relates to my husband, the insecurity, the feeling of giving up on our marriage, The 6th grade experience, the selfishness, and the shame that goes with all of it. Your posts help me to view him with more compassion and as a whole human being. Like I see in you, he is becoming a much different person through hard work. Thank you for putting your experience into words for our benefit.

LBee

I want you to know how incredibly important your honesty and your voice have been to me. When the sadness and self-blame start to creep into my mental life because of what my wife did (and continues to do), I often read your posts... sometimes every day.

Okay, I will try (to keep writing!) I appreciate you reaching out and that we can all find a way to help each other heal. When I get into self blame I also try to read anything from Cloud and Townsend. They are good at reminding us to be whole. Best to you in all of this.

I thank you so much for putting into words what I couldn't. I feel you read my mind with this post. I am encouraged by you and look forward to sharing with my husband. I hope it brings him some understanding as it did me.

Absolutely it does. (Hurt). Thanks for the honesty and courage in telling me what I need to hear as well. I know my words will sometimes hurt and I appreciate that you see my heart behind them. I am just now starting to grieve what I did to my APs spouse. The ripple effect of our selfish choices go so deep. If I had only known.....

I want to thank you for this "What I believe is more true, is that I just gave up on the marriage. I gave up on our marriage before I ever put any effort into it. Sadly, we put more time and money into our lawn and home than we did our marriage"

My wife is calling it quits. I have asked for her to think more about the decision but she seems very determined. She went to the library and actually got 6 books on divorce and coparenting. Effort. At no point have i seen the kind of humility you have just written from my WW. What was written above, if every unfaithful could just come to that amount of clarity it would save so many marriages. I waited for her to find even one seminar, workshop, course, book, podcast, article... anything that would confirm what i thought was putting effort in the marriage and make me feel as if the future would be different. That would have made me feel safe and and she was taking responsibility. The day after she filed she contacted the former AP. I admit that my continuing anger made me not say the things that build connection. so she has had it. She can't be in the relationship because she is tired of walking on eggshells if i get triggered. She is tired of me saying that hanging out with the woman who seemed to encourage her 2nd relapse and the woman who knew of the affair but kept her secret and agreed to lie for her has kept me stuck and really drains the love bank. If she would have been open to AR i think we could have saved a lot of pain but even 2 months after d day in 2015 she was saying No Effing way would she ever do AR. For my UW who has said "it was the fear of going to counseling and finding out i (BS) didn't care or wouldn't go to counseling". I submit that your statement above is the real reason. She didn't want to put any effort in to changing the marriage. She didn't know how to change the marriage. She was self unaware and had no boundaries and the affair was less effort. I tried to get past my hurt and just ended up hurting her just as much. So important for the BS to insist on Professional help Specialists in Affairs. CC just don't get it.

I too am an unfaithful spouse. I have struggled to explain to my spouse, what I was thinking and feeling when I betrayed him. I have said in fragments, all of the things you have written so clearly in one posting. Thank you for this posting. It has been so hard to explain, all at one time, how flawed I was, and that I will continue to work on my flaws the rest of my life. Recognizing my flaws, looking deeply at myself and my attitudes, justifications, and all the other things inside of myself that lead me to do the horrible, hurtful, destructive, and devastating things that I did. Your comment about boundaries really resonated with me. I work daily to ensure I have appropriate boundaries in all areas of my life. Thank you for your candid story.

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