slowing down

[sarah]

I was on fast forward the last couple of weeks and my body manifested
a flu bug. Telling me to slow down. What is interesting is what my
thoughts were at first and where they are now. I was around a lot of
people who had this flu bug. Feeling like I should have worn a mask,
feeling guitly for not protecting myself first. And then came a
feeling of resentment for the work that I do. I keep bumping up
against the part of me that is very old. To please and to serve and
doing so in a way where I become smaller. Internal boundries.
Yesterday I had a job interview and I showed up fully authentic and
had a great experience. But during it I noticed the habit of me
"forcing" who I am. I choose not too and to soften into myself and I
left feeling fully resorceful in who I am. Was a great experience and
I got the job if I want it. Last week I had a meeting with my union
rep and manager to discuss some issues I had regarding safety and lack
of support after some events that had happened. I walked away from
that feeling great, something I would not have before. I realized
during it that it was not about having them agree or give me
permission, I was there having a conversation and deciding if I still
wanted to invest my time and energy into this particular job. From
that I have been having lots of insights on how I choose to engage.
Today I am home nurturing myself and it took a flu bug to get my
attention. Its not always easy to choose yourself and to stand strong
as you engage the unknown but its not so scary anymore either. The
more I do so the more I become clear of who I am in the now. I am
amazed at how much I was doubting myself as I engaged. My spirit was
strong but my vibration was very week. Internal dances. Yet I heard
myself express, my hesitancy is because in those moments I was not
sure and seeked support and as I gain more experience I will become
more sure of what I need to do when faced with situations that are
unstable. I don't know it all, I do need support sometimes and I am
choosing to allow myself to feel safe, competent and strong with not
knowing sometimes. I am so aware that I have been my own worst enemy
with this. Yet I am not in a place anymore where I feel as though I
need to beat myself up about it. Last night I had support from someone
I am dating and he said stay home and don't feel guilty about it. A
calm came over me. I am now home on my couch nurturing my body, eating
good food and drinking lots of fluids and resting. Not worrying. I
welcome support knowing I support myself as I engage but knowing that
I am not perfect and I am vunerable as I move into deeper awareness of
who I am and how I choose to engage who I am. Before I might not have
listened but instead I found myself soften into the possibility that I
needed to hear it outloud and to allow myself to soften into the
idea. My attention has been far from inside of me...worrying.
engaging but still worrying as I did so. So slowing down is key for me
right now. Even after my body heals, slowing down my old thought
patterns as I engage my day will be my intention. I might not always
feel safe out in high crime districts that I have to go into, I might
not always feel safe in homes where people are full of rage, but I can
choose in that, I don't have to stay or do anything I don't feel
comfortable doing. I can try to diffuse situations but if I feel that
I am in way over my head then I leave. That one had to come from
within me and did not come from "support" outside. I can choose where
I invest my time, whether it be a new job or as simple as where I
invest my thoughts. The chips can fall more gracefully now.