My Safe place

[Tanya]

For as long as I can remember I would always get excited about
something, do it, then when feeling good about it, STOP. Then, when i
would stop my body would remind me that I was not listening. At that
point, I would create caos, anger towards myself..Push it away...

Then the BOMB drops. The bomb is what Society Labels as "Anxiety."
Not feeling safe. feeling as though my spirit is floating around over
me, aside from me, looking down at me...But not IN ME. It is almost
like it is saying, "Are you nuts! I am not going in that body!."

As I sit here I realize that i Have created for the fist time in my
life a Safe spot. That safe spot is here. I truly Believe that if I
write I will free it, and choose yet again to move forward. I believe
this. I just have to keep it up.

I Forget all the amazing things I have done for myself, and focus on
the Torment I went through. I am aware. My Stomach is flipping and
flopping and there are alot of feelings built up in there.

For the first time in my life, I am getting Married in 31 days. I am
So scared. Why..I know why. Not because of the Man I am Marrying.
Not Becasue of the Life I created for myself. I must say I am So
happy and still in Disbelieve that I have doen this for myself. I do
believe I am Pretty Amazing. I came from Living on the streets... to
here...And I am getting Married to the most wonderful man in the
world! I have my little house, and beautiful Son, a beautiful Step
son that I call my own.

I envisioned My father walking me down the Aile. He is no longer
here. BUT, even if he was alive...He wouldn't of came anyway.
Perhaps even my family in Vancouver would not have come aslo. My
mother, was not a mother to me. I was a mother to me. My Son,
allowed me the space to choose diffrently, to be a loving mother to
GIVE Love unconditionally, to allow him to cry, to allow him to say,
"NO!"

No writting this down. I have to say, "Tanya, you are really
Unbelievable! Do you realize what you are capable of?" My Answer to
that is still.. NO.

I have to love my self like I love my son. To give myself the space
and the choice i allow him to have.

Saturday, was a moment in my life that I had to look at. With the
help of my 2 friends they sat there on the phone with me, (even though
they had there own plans) for more than 2 hours. I was scared. My
throat was closing up. I had more breath comming in than going out.
Then I got Angry. why is this not working! they reasured me. keep
breathing, they said your body is rewiring itself. Its transforming.
I came out of it with week knees, but got my streanth back by the end
of day. Sunday, it happened again. This time I said to my family, "I
will be breathing for a few minutes." My breath was free, my exhales
were longer.

My son then came in the room quietly, and just lied there with me.
breathing. He said, "your doing great mom!" So we laughed together.
I then I jumped up and said lets go get some yoga matts. We did! I
have not did this in over 5 years.

I know I push myself aside often. I know i want to feel that
excitiment insttead of fear!

I have to believe that I am capable. I have proven it. But did i
live it as I was moving through it? That is the diffrence. I was not
living it. I just did it. Then just kept moving with no feeling and
more fear, of .." I hope that does not happen again."

Today I promise to stop. Smell the roses. Take baby steps. Create
space. Pat myself on the back.

I know will allow myself to maybe perhaps tell my mother.. no i do not
want you to give me away. I want Jacob to to walk down with me. That
is what I am about Today. I also might choose Not to have a Father
daughter dance. That to me is not real. It was how I would have
liked it to happen. But it is not my reality. Just because he is
gone now, dosen't mean i need to create a Perfect father daughter
dance. Becasue i know he would not have come. These things to me are
real and true. This is about Anthony, Jacob, Sebatian and Myself. It
is a Union of out love and what we have all created to be in that
moment. Not all the Family systems bullshit that WE ARE SOPPOSE TO
DO.

I will do it if it feels ok for me to do it. If it does not I will
say no. If you don't like it. Too bad.

Ahhh Thanks for this Safe place.

[Sue Weiss]

Wow Tanya you have come a long way and taken more than baby steps from what
I have just read. Sounds like you too are trying to live in the moment as
I am trying to do. Keep up the good work! SUE

[Tanya]

Thank you Sue, thant means so much to me!
Thank you:)

> > Ahhh Thanks for this Safe place.- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -