imperfections

[sarah1978]

i just watched a movie a friend of mine recommended i
watch...."because i told you so" about a mom who sets up her daughter
with a guy who she thinks is best for her. he has money...charm.
and then there is this other guy who plays guitar, has a little boy,
lives with his dad...and loves her imperfections. she never quite
could be herself fully with the ideal....yet was herself with the not
so ideal..... struggling between what was taught to her. and i saw
myself in my past relationships. feeling the most free with the not
so ideal ones yet believing they were never good enough. and feeling
so caged in the ones my mother thought were so ideal. i was always
living the ideal...clouded by the fog of it all.... instead of really
choosing for myself. not that it was her fault.....or really came all
from her....but i was in an ideal. i am craving something really
amazing...... as much as i tell myself that i need to feel amazing on
my own.....i don't want to close myself up to discovering an
experience of something wonderful with others. the imperfections that
i hold shame and disapproval of in myself.....its time to really
embrace them...not change them...but embrace them. so that i can see
and expeirence someone else seeing them. if i were to look around at
everyone in my life right now...i could pick out the reflections that
create the imperfections of me that i am not fully comfortable
with..even some that i down right don't like. and yet maybe its not
about removing them or changing them so that i can be something other
then what i am right now in this minute......to have what i so want.
maybe i just need to stop...and laugh more at myself....and be more
gentle with myself...and embrace my imperfections....and choose what
reality i want to create in my everyday life. i believe she also
played in "somethings got to give"...as that statement just popped in
my head.lol. i can no longer seek to find what i think would be good
and safe for me.....here lies a leap.....its not about
settling.......its about removing the ideal fully and allowing myself
to experience something very different...

and thats all really......things are moving in me right now.....so i
am gonna go embrace those right now