Words and feelings

0 views
Skip to first unread message

Jean

unread,
Jun 21, 2011, 1:56:17 PM6/21/11
to WomenGathering
Sometimes I worry about the incursion of old habits and mind sets.
I’ll be driving in my car and a wave will come over me and pass
through my mind. It comes mostly when I think about writing about my
experiences or speaking of them to others. In taking the experience
from inside
of me to the outside world, I worry that I might lose the feeling.
When my niece asked me if I was going to write about my decloaking
experience, I was afraid. What if putting it in words would take it
away from my body and move it to my conscious mind? What if writing
about it would mean I’d lose it? What if it wouldn’t be mine
anymore? What if I’d lose the feeling? I’ve been so used to taking
courses and reading and doing counseling only to find that what felt
changed and better in me didn’t last and I’d go back to old ways of
thinking and being. And then I felt afraid that this would be the
same -- that what I had felt move in me, even if couldn’t put it into
words, would, by virtue of trying to find the words to explain it, be
lost. I wanted to hoard the feeling. And I got worried that I was
losing the feeling that I had had in me since coming
back from Nova Scotia. Things didn’t feel quite the same. The same
sense of surety wasn’t there. And I worried that I was becoming
complacent.

Tells me how much I’ve lived in my head and without trusting myself
all my life! I mean things couldn’t be that easy. Life was supposed
to be struggle, wasn’t it? That’s what I had learned about living.
Always question, always worry, never go with my gut, trust the facts
only – they
were the only thing that was real.

And then last Sunday happened. I watched a child chase a bubble and
then a butterfly at a picnic last Sunday and realized that that is
what I felt like. Like I was chasing something beautiful and never
quite being able to catch it. [But, boy, I sure wanted to!] Can’t put
this into words. There
aren’t enough of them. They can’t capture the totality of it all.
Can’t contain it. As much as I love language and writing, I’ve used
words to explain, rationalize, manage, control, collect, and codify.
And so I remind myself that speaking to others and writing of my
thoughts, don’t make
them less mine. The feelings are mine. In me. I remind myself to
trust that the knowing is there. It’s mine. In me. This has been
such a gift. And I find myself crying just because I’m overwhelmed by
the immensity of it all.

And I just know that I’m not complacent. Decloaking myself to myself
doesn’t mean that I’m all fixed. I’m learning to trust the knowing
that I wasn’t and am not broken. I’m not all better. I always have
been better. And Decloaking doesn’t mean I’m done. It’s not
finished. I’m not
finished. So, as I change, things won’t feel the same. They
shouldn’t. But they do feel different than they used to.

So, here’s to butterflies, and bubbles, and sunsets, and flowers, and
music, and opportunity, and growth and movement. To finding something
everyday that moves me just because it’s so beautiful. And to
laughter and joy and lightness and strength and power.

Melissa Owoc

unread,
Jun 21, 2011, 6:42:45 PM6/21/11
to womenga...@googlegroups.com
Wow! Jeanie I am so happy to meet with you in the space and to be reading
all that you've shared over the past few days.

I give a BIG hooray to your "So, here's to butterflies, and bubbles, and


sunsets, and flowers, and music, and opportunity, and growth and movement.
To finding something everyday that moves me just because it's so beautiful.
And to laughter and joy and lightness and strength and power."

I am sitting on my balcony with the sun shining on my face, a beautiful
breeze blowing through the air and making a mess of my hair. I can see the
lake. I can hear the wind and the faint sounds of traffic. And I feel so
very settled. I am ME. In this moment, I can feel my breath, I can feel
the warmth of the sun on my skin and I know who I Am.

I've been spending time considering not renewing my contract and instead
STOPPING which for anyone who knows, they know this is unusual. I am always
on the go with work and a busy social calendar. It's in these moments of
sitting quietly - doing nothing and just being - that I am Me and fully
connected, rooted and with immense power, strength, magical creativity and
knowing. I've been creating more and more of these moments of stopping and
I am choosing to create more and more of them. I resonate with what you
have written, and with Angela's post about Freedom. I know that I am
creating new experiences for myself, because the old way of mindlessly
following a pack and spending my time, my energy, my LIFE doing something so
vastly empty is not for me anymore. I don't know exactly what form things
will take. And I do know that I will continue to experience my life
sustainably with the same nature of curiosity, hope, exploring, sharing that
is part of who I Am.

I say I was "considering" stopping - as if at this point it was an option?!?
Who am I kidding. I'm stopping already (and I have to admit that it's great
fun!). I remember thinking that I didn't need work to become unbearable.
That making this decision could be easy. And I am so happy to say that
today it has become so incredibly easy. I have bosses who want to knowingly
lie in a report that I would be part of presenting. So I've clearly stated
that I won't put my name on it. And that was that. I'd still get an offer
to continue working there and I know that I will not stay and working in
that type of space. So, I don't fully know what is coming next, and I know
that it will be whatever I choose to create for myself in this breath, in
this moment and in this space.

I am grateful to you, Angela and all the other women who have been posting
this week. There's been a flurry of writing and I recognize so much of it.


With great RIG and hugs,
Melissa

only - they

--
You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups
"WomenGathering" group.
To post to this group, send email to womenga...@googlegroups.com.
To unsubscribe from this group, send email to
womengatherin...@googlegroups.com.
For more options, visit this group at
http://groups.google.com/group/womengathering?hl=en.


Jean Winter

unread,
Jun 21, 2011, 7:16:45 PM6/21/11
to womenga...@googlegroups.com
So what does RIG mean?

Did you read the 6 words piece?

Me

Reply all
Reply to author
Forward
0 new messages