My husband told me he had a job interview and I instantly saw myself packing up my favourite things and finally get rid of all the shabby crap. I imagined a new job for me in our new city that lights me up. During my fantasy I checked out, I stopped showing up at work and home. My holographic life started reflecting my internal state. Mini crisis popped up all over- I felt overwhelmed, cranky, tired-my husband said I seemed distant. When he found out he was not chosen, there was lots of movement inside of me. My body had been waving all week as it doesn't seem to like to not showing up anymore. I breathed and breathed, and the waves came. Full on waves of tears-Wave after wave after wave.
I will be honest- I wanted a quick fix to change my life, forgetting that I create it all-that life is a one big metaphor just for me- inviting me to engage and play. Not Showing Up was the invitation for me to see me from a different perspective. I am still getting to know this person. The truth is that I have been living as if I am a day away from leaving. Looking at my past, this is not a new pattern. I put up with my wobbly nightstand table that drives me utterly mad, because I will buy a better one later-good enough for now. I can de-clutter my closet later, my crappy couch is good enough for now. I live as if I am waiting for my real life to start…Temporary living. I also realize as i look around my apartment that i have been dragging around some of the same so called "shabby" things from move to move to move.
I know there is nothing to fix, and I don’t know what the next step is. I know that the invitation is for me to ask the big questions that will bring me home. Gratitude to all out there for letting me be ME in this space.
Aloha Brandi
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