Peace in the Home
Rabbi Aryeh Citron
Parshat Va’yeira
Sponsored Anonymously
Peace in the Home
In addition, the Talmud says that the angels asked Avraham as to the whereabouts of Sarah and they asked Sarah about (the activities of) Avraham. This was in order to emphasize each one’s good qualities to the other.[4]
This article will focus on the importance of maintaining peaceful relations within the home as well as some practical suggestions on how to do it.
Great is Peace
G-d considers the peace between husband and wife to be so important that He instructs for His holy name to be erased in order to bring peace between them. This is done in the case of a suspected adulteress (Sotah). Until the suspicion is cleared up, she is forbidden to live with her husband. In order to be cleared of this suspicion, she must drink “the bitter waters.” The process of preparing this water includes erasing certain sections of the Torah which include G-d’s name.[5]
Considering how important peace in the home is, it was the practice of Aharon, the high priest, to personally get involved in making peace between couples.[6] Aharon would do this by telling each party that the other was truly sorry and wanted to reconciliate. When hearing this, each spouse would agree to make peace. One who works at making peace between husband and wife receives reward both in this world and in the next world.[7]
The Key to a Pleasant Marriage
Maimonides writes: “Similarly, our Sages commanded that a man honor his wife more than his own person, and love her as he loves his own person. If he has financial resources, he should offer her benefits in accordance with his resources. He should not cast an unnecessary measure of fear over her. He should talk to her gently, being neither sad nor angry.
And similarly, our Sages commanded a woman to honor her husband exceedingly and to be in awe of him. She should carry out all her deeds according to his directives, considering him to be an officer or a king. She should follow the desires of his heart and shun everything that he disdains.
This is the custom of pure and holy Jewish women and men in their marriages. And these ways will make their marriage pleasant and praiseworthy.”[8]
Appreciation
The Talmud tells that Rabbi Chiya had a very difficult wife who caused him a lot of distress. Yet whenever he went to the market and saw something he knew his wife would like, he bought it for her.
Rav Chiya's nephew, Rav, noticed his uncle's behavior and asked him, “Why do you go out of your way to please your wife when she gives you such hardships?” Rav Chiya answered him, “It’s enough that she raises our children and protects me from improper thoughts,” i.e., I owe her gratitude for these things despite the hardships she causes me.[9]
The lesson is that one must appreciate what one’s spouse does for them and show that appreciation in concrete ways, rather than focusing on the (possibly) negative aspects of that person and the relationship.
Overlooking Faults
One should train oneself not to focus on the faults of one’s spouse. Each should rather strengthen their love towards the other.[10]
According to the Talmud, if one lives with one’s spouse in a state of hatred, it can have a negative effect on the children’s character traits.[11]
Never Get Angry
When our matriarch Rachel was childless after several years of marriage, she asked her husband Yaakov to “give her children and if not, I am (practically) dead” (i.e., pray that I have children). He, in turn got angry and asked her: “Am I in the place of G-d who has withheld children from you?”[12] Yaakov meant to say that he had already prayed on her behalf, and G-d had not answered positively. Thus there was nothing more he could do, and it was completely in the hands of G-d.[13] The reason he got angry at Rachel is because he felt that her choice of words “give me children, and if not, I am dead” was inappropriate.[14]
Despite the fact that he had a reason for being angry, this anger brought judgment on himself. As the Midrash says;[15] G-d said: “Is this the way one responds to someone in pain? I swear by your life that your children will have to stand in front of her child (in a state of distress). This is referring to the brothers who had to stand and plead in front of Joseph.
Gifts
According to the Talmud,[16] one should buy one’s wife new clothes and jewelry in honor of every major holiday (Pesach, Shavu’ot, and Sukkot).[17]
The Watch
When returning from a trip, it is a good idea to buy something for one’s spouse. This is an indication that one was thinking of the other while away.[18]
Rabbi Gershon Mendel Gorelick was sent by the Rebbe to Milan, Italy, in in the 1950’s. One year after going to Italy, he traveled (alone) to visit the Rebbe in New York. The Rebbe asked him during yechidus (a private audience) if he bought a present for his wife. He said that he had not and that he didn’t know what to buy. The Rebbe recommended he buy a watch. He told the Rebbe that he did not feel he would be able to choose an appropriate watch. The Rebbe advised him to bring him several samples from the watch dealer and that he (the Rebbe) would choose one. The next day, Rabbi Gorelick brought several samples. The Rebbe chose two and recommended that Rabbi Gorelick ask the watch dealer to put the face of one together with the band of the other.
Rabbi Gorelick did this and brought his wife a gift designed by the Rebbe.
A Segulah for Wealth
Rava taught: “Honor your wives in order that you become rich.” This is because blessing is found in one’s house in the merit of one’s wife.
As Rabbi Chelbo said, “A person should always be careful about the honor of his wife, for blessing is found in a person's home only due to his wife, as the verse states (concerning Sarah), ‘And he (Pharaoh) did good to Avram for her sake.’[19]”[20]
Conversely, Rav taught: “One should be careful to honor their wives since they are moved to tears easily and G-d punishes swiftly for bringing someone to tears.”[21]
Avoiding Arguments
The Talmud says that fights in the home (usually) stem from financial stress. One should therefore take care to provide amply for one’s family’s needs in order to avoid disputes.[22]
Peace in Separate Homes
The Talmud says that Rabbi Yossi HaGlili would support his ex-wife with charitable contributions (above and beyond the mandatory Ketubah payments). This indicates that Rabbi Yossi and his ex-wife were amicable towards each other despite their divorce.
Although it is commendable when a divorced couple is amicable to each other, they must be careful to observe the proper laws of modesty.[23]
May Hashem bless us with peace in our homes and in the entire world!
[1] Regarding the permissibility of telling white lies under certain circumstances, see Bava Metziah 23b and http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/1049008/jewish/Telling-the-Truth-and-When-it-is-Permissible-to-be-Less-than-Honest.htm.
[2] Gen. 18, 12 and 13
[3] See also Bava Metziah 87a and Bereishit Rabbah 48, 15
[4] Ibid The fact that Sarah was in the tent emphasized her modesty
[5] See Deut. 5, 11 – 31, see Shabbat 116a, Makot 11a and in many places
[6] See Rashi on Numbers 29, 20 See also Avot 1, 12 with commentaries
[7] Daily morning blessings based on Shabbat 127a
[8] Ishut 14, 19 and 20
[9] Yevamot 63a
[10] Peleh Yo’etz, Erech Shalom
[11] Nedarim 20b The Talmud is referring to one who has relations with his wife despite his feeling hatred towards her at that time.
See Maharsha there that when the Torah says that Leah was hated (Gen. 29, 31), it doesn’t mean that Yakov hated her but rather that she might end up as the wife of the “hated” Esau (see Malachi, 1, 3).(I.e. when the Torah says the words “Senu'ah Leah” it means that had Yaakov divorced Leah she would have had to marry the hated Esau.) See Bava Batra 123a.
See also Ramban on the verse that Yaakov didn’t hate her, but that since he didn’t love her as much as he loved Rachel, she felt hated.
[12] Gen. 30, 1 and 2
[13] See Kli Yakar on the verse.
[14] See Ohr HaChaim that using such language can have a detrimental effect.
See also Ramban that Rachel was intimating that is she didn’t have children she would go on a hunger strike until she died. This too was inappropriate.
[15] Bereishit Rabbah, 29, 7
[16] Pesachim 109a
[17] See Shulchan Aruch HaRav 529, 7 See also http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/1192936/jewish/Rejoicing-on-the-Holidays.htm
[18] See also Yevamot 62b and Y.D. 184, 10
[19] Gen. 12, 16 According to Rav Chelbo, the “He” in the verse is referring to G-d, not Pharaoh (Maharsha).
[20] Bava Metziah 59a
[21]Ibid
[22] Ibid
[23] See Even Ha’ezer 199, 7 -11