Fwd: FW: J. N. N. Ng'ang'a Meditations - Managing A Christian Family's Finances - June 3rd to June 9th, 2013
celline nguri
Hi guys,
Got this from a friend and thought I'd share it with you. Have a lovely week.
From: "John Ng'ang'a" <jo...@johnnganga.org>
Date: Jun 9, 2013 7:23 PM
Subject: FW: J. N. N. Ng'ang'a Meditations - Managing A Christian Family's Finances - June 3rd to June 9th, 2013
To: "John Ng'ang'a" <jo...@johnnganga.org>
Cc:
Past meditations: www.johnnganga.org
J. N. N. Ng’ang’a Meditations – June 3rd to June 9th, 2013
Managing A Christian Family's Finances
Day 1
May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had.
How a family manages its finances either causes conflict or brings family unity. How do you react to money issues in your family?
We have also seen elsewhere that your behavior is determined by your belief about the issue at hand. When your wife behaves in a certain manner that is causing trouble in the family, do not concentrate your investigation of the matter on that behavior. Find out what is the attitude that has caused her to behave in such a way. Actually, the attitude is not the real problem. The attitude is based on the belief system. What you believe determines your attitude and your attitude determines your behavior.
For example, I had difficulties with professors when I was in the university in the seventies due to my belief about professors. Those days there were not too many professors in Kenya since there was only one university. These days they are very many. I had many difficulties understanding almost every professor who taught me. I finally asked myself what the problem was. If somebody, called a professor is trying to explain something, he must know it very well and thus I should not have difficulty understanding him. Somebody explained that a professor is somebody who has been continuously learning for a long time and he now knows more and more about less and less until he knows a lot about very little. So it is understandable why a first year student, finds him difficult to understand, isn’t it? I was better off getting what they used to call a tutorial fellow. He would be studying for his second degree. So every time I entered a class and I found my teacher was called a professor, I would feel… not again! I believed, wrongly of course, that a professor is a person who will not communicate at my level. As soon as he is introduced, I know I am in trouble. I become a private candidate, fully studying on my own. I better go to the library and read on my own. The belief that a professor cannot teach well determined my attitude towards him. Moreover, as soon as he starts teaching, even if he is teaching well, am I likely not to understand him. The problem is not his teaching; it is my attitude towards him. However, my attitude is not the problem; it is my belief about who professors are.
If you want to help me out of my behavior, show me that a professor is not who I wrongly believe he is. That when they know they are visiting a first year class, they go back and brush up the first year textbook. Therefore, they will not teach me at their level, they will teach me at my level. If you are able to convince me to change my belief, then I will be able to listen to the next professor who comes, because my attitude is, he is not teaching me what he knows but what he thinks I should know. In addition, obviously I will no longer doze out in his class. So the dozing out was not the problem, it was my attitude. Moreover, my attitude was not the problem, it was my belief.
So, although today we are talking about the difficulties you get in marriage because of finances, I do not have to go to the details of your finance behavior to sort out your problem. What I need is to find out what you believe about for example common money ownership. Whether you have a lot of it or little is not the problem.
Day 2
Matthew 19:8,
Jesus replied, "You are so heartless! That is why Moses allowed you to divorce your wife. But from the beginning God did not intend it to be that way. (CEV)
Thus, behavior betrays belief. In other words, as soon as I know what you are doing, I can guess what you believe. For example, if I were to get your chequebook and you allowed me to flip through it covering the last six months expenditure, despite all you tell me about your marriage, I will know your beliefs about marriage. For example, you keep saying how much you love your wife and I cover six months and I cannot see any expenditure on her , even chips and I will stand wondering what you think about her. You see behavior is determined by attitude and may be you attitude is just wrong. You wonder, why would you spend all your money on a woman?
A look at your chequebook shows me your belief. I do not worry about your attitude. I will go further and look at your beliefs. If I discovered that both of you own separate accounts then I know you do not belief in total oneness. I know your beliefs about marriage simply by the way you manage your money. Therefore, if I wanted to help you, I would have to deal with your belief system about marriage.
Our discussion then will deal with belief about marriage that affect how you handle money in a family
Your believes determine whether yours is a Christian marriage or a traditional cultural marriage. Until you determine that, whether yours is Christian or traditional, there will be problem related to the differing believe systems.
In Matthew 19:8, the Bible says,
(CEV) Jesus replied, "You are so heartless! That's why Moses allowed you to divorce your wife. But from the beginning God did not intend it to be that way
What is the Bible saying? That the marriages of Jesus days' were not ideal. Marriage was not like that from the beginning of creation. This is one of the issues we have to bear in mind as we read the Bible. Sometimes we read about the marriage of David or the marriage of Solomon or the marriage of Abraham and you want to run your marriage according to how they run theirs. Jesus tells you, not to. Most of the marriages in the Old Testament are not worth our copying. You must go back to the beginning.
That is why when an African man is around middle age, through middle age crisis, one of the things they say is even the Bible understood the need for a second wife. You need to understand that he is trying to quote the Bible in order to copy an African custom. Jesus comes and says, it is true your grandfather did it, and true that Abraham did it, but it was not like that from the beginning. If you want your marriage to be a godly marriage, you must not copy just any Old Testament grandfather; you must go back to the beginning of creation and God’s intention.
What I am trying to say is that it is possible for you to be a Jew, but your marriage is not Jewish. It is possible to have a born again husband, a born again wife, so both of them claim to be saved but their marriage is not ‘saved’. As discussed elsewhere at times the Christian marriages of evangelicals, Pentecostals are run just as a Kikuyu marriage. There is no difference between how they run their marriage and the way their grandfather did it in the 1920s. Therefore, the belief has not changed.
You go to that home and the child is crying. The husband is only twenty but cannot pick the baby. Why? African men do not take crying babies. You need to understand you are not dealing with a Christian marriage you are dealing with a Kikuyu marriage. That man is a mental age of eighty occupied by a body of twenty. You need to understand that age is not just the body. Age is also in the mind. Therefore, it is critical, if you are going to sort our marriage problems to find out what are the belief systems of the man or the woman.
Day 3
Gen 24:13 The young women of the city will soon come to this well for water,14 and I'll ask one of them for a drink. If she gives me a drink and then offers to get some water for my camels, I'll know she is the one you have chosen and that you have kept your promise to my master.
I want to ask you the question, is your marriage traditional or Christian? Because that is what is really going to determine how you run your family finances. In other words; are you the Lord of your family or is Jesus the Lord of your family? You know, when you become a Christian you make your last choice. In other words, you are not expected to ever make another choice. When you become a Christian and you choose Christ, there is no other choice you will ever make. Because if you make him Lord, He will make all the other, future choices you will ever need made. Of course, young people are not happy with me when they invite me to talk about how to find a life partner. I tell them when I meet a young man who tells me, I will never marry a Mkamba, I do not ask him whether he is saved. I know he is on his way to hell. It is very important to understand that a young man who gives his life to the Lord cannot choose the wife to marry. In Rebecca, I only found that which God had chosen. Eleazor did not chose a wife for Isaac but found Gods choice
Be aware that the day you choose Christ, who you will marry, is not your business. It is God's business. Your work is to find that one already chosen for you by God. Similarly how you own and use money needs to be determined by him if you are his.
The way to manage the money he has entrusted to both of you, the way you get it, the way you use it, should be as guided by him. So, that although husband is called the head of the family, you only have delegated authority. You can only do that which God allows you to do. Moreover, it is very important to come to that level where your life is no longer managed your way. It is managed God's way. He can give you no peace when you misuse money in your house. You do not become the absolute head; you only have delegated authority. Jesus is in control of family resources.
Many of the financial management problems are problems of belief. This is because we have chosen to be the ones making choices rather than allowing God to guide your choices. You have to offer yourself to God so that you follow all his decrees. You seek to find what God wants with your life. If you want your marriage to be blessed whether with money or other blessings, it will be important that you leave God to make the final choice in every area. A poet said, they get the best who leave their choice to him. That is what will happen to your marriage when you decide that although you are called the head you do not make choices. You want God to make all choices. Then you are assured of God's blessings.
Day 4
Mat 6:33 But more than anything else, put God's work first and do what he wants. Then the other things will be yours as well.
In other words leave all choices to him and all these other things will be added to you. Beyond tithing, please understand that even after tithing, you have no blessings until you become obedient in all areas. Unless your marriage is based on the scriptures, do not expect the blessings of God. If you want God's blessings you must do things God’s way.
what are those guidelines or beliefs that guide a Christian marriage? Since the Bible has told us to go back to the beginning, let us read Genesis 2 Genesis 2:24-25,
Gen 2:24 That’s why a man will leave his own father and mother. He marries a woman, and the two of them become like one person.25 Although the man and his wife were both naked, they were not ashamed. (CEV)
This gives several characteristics of a godly marriage. First, it begins with a man will leave his father and mother. This must be seen in the way they handle finances. What the Bible is saying, you are not in a Christian marriage if you are married to a girl but you are still tied up to your father. I think it is very easy for girls to leave. That may be the reason why the Bible did not emphasize the girl leaving. Most girls leave easily. However, some married men, never left. They are still controlled by their parents.
Let me tell you of an example of one of the controls some parent’s use. Many of our fathers despite being in their 80’s still have not given an inheritance to their 60-year-old son. The guy is very old but the land is still the way he got it from his father. So what does he do? Occasionally he calls you home and then you think this time he is going to divide out the land. He does not. What happens is that he knows in as long as he has not divided his land he can control his sons. Occasionally he tells you,’ what is wrong with that woman of yours? I do not like the woman you married’. When you go back to your home, there is no peace in your home. What happened? Because your father made a wrong comment about your wife, you feel she might make you lose your inheritance. What does that tell you? The man has not yet left his father mentally, financially. The Bible is saying, if you want peace in your home, a man must leave the parents, even financially. It is critical that, the leaving is done.
Some young people even marry before they are financially ready not worried that they do not have enough money to live on as a couple because in their own understanding they can still rely on the father. Remember, whoever pays the piper determines the tune. Isn’t it? If your father is financing your marriage, you risk not being able to live as a Christian couple. You need to tell father, ‘I am grateful that you actually were good enough to educate me. Thanks to you, I now have a little salary. My wife and I are going to rely on that salary’. If there is going to be any peace in your home, you must come to where your father’s money is a relative’s money not yours.
Until the day, he decides to go ahead and give you an inheritance, plan on your resources , not your father’s. Then at the point he gives you, it then becomes your family money to be decided on by you and your wife. Many fathers are reluctant to do this before they die. This might be because the day he divides the land and gives you, he feels has lost power to manipulate his dependent children. Isn’t it? Because once the land is transferred to the name of yourself and your wife, your father cannot have any control over it.
Of course, a godly son will continue to respect the father, as the Bible requires. By the way, your father does not have to give you any inheritance for you to respect him. I believe having brought you to where you can now meet your own needs and you have your own family you should not expect any more from him.
Your father needs to know there is nothing you need from him. You are grateful for all he has already done. Most Kikuyus believe that you have to own land. In order to have peace with the clan, I went to a neighboring place and bought land. After I bought land I told my mother, when the time comes to divide land, it is not necessary to give me any since I now have. The younger people are the ones that require it and because it is not big just divide it among all of us and God blessed me to buy land when it was cheaper. That does not mean that I stop respecting my mother. However, I now respect her, not because I want land from her but because she is my mother who brought me up with hardship after my father died. Can you imagine what she went through to bring me up? She does not need to give me anything else, she has already given me enough to deserve honor. In addition, even if she had not brought me up well, the Bible says I must honor her. So as long as I am born again, there is no reason I will not honor her.
When she finally wanted to divide her land, she went to the land board without allocating me any, and they refused to allow it. They felt it could not be true that I had accepted not to be allocated any. The chief said he knew ‘Mum had more sons than the ones listed. How come she did not divide the land properly?’ A letter was sent to me to go back to the village to talk to the chief to convince him that I did not want that land. He had never heard anybody do that. Even well to do sons fight over land with the poorer ones. So society expects when the land is divided, every son must have a piece. I said, ‘I have chosen not to get any’.
Nevertheless, it means that from that moment we have a relationship with my mother that is based on respect. And she knows when I visit and her give her a bag of rice; it is not because I want anything from her later. It is because I am grateful to God for what she did for me. Once you do not choose to leave father financially you give him power to influence your marriage. An old man in the village controls many wives in the city. I want to tell you that some financial conflict in marriage will be sorted out the day a man obeys the scriptures, a man shall leave.
I have given you the impression above those women agrees to leave easily, but in some cases it is not true. The other day I had a friend of mine who told me that in his marriage they are going through hell. What is the problem? There is nothing they can buy, unless the woman goes to the village to sort out with the mother. In this case, it is a woman who never left financially. They cannot buy any property before mum Okays it. They cannot make any decision until she goes home and asks the mother. Has that woman left? The husband wants to sell the car so that they replace with a new one but that needs mum’s approval. Can you imagine the embarrassment of this brother wondering what to tell the buyer…
That marriage has financial trouble not because of lack of money but because of their beliefs about marriage. They believe the only one you can trust is your parent even more that your spouse. They do not believe a man shall leave his father or mother. If you believe that marriage is just a union between two and not a clan matter then even the way you deal with money will follow suit. If you started practicing this , belief so that cousins and uncles do not make financial decisions, just the two of you make them, can you imagine how many financial conflicts will go?
Day 5
Genesis 2
V24….and the two of them become like one person
So the next characteristic of a godly marriage is that they seek friendship and oneness. Older bible version call it cleave. You will cleave to one another. There is friendship. You cannot be an ideal Christian marriage, and not seek friendship. You do things that unite you, that makes you friends. You then are cleaving to one another. You leave first then you cleave. Some people, before they married, they had time for each other. They were friends with one another. They spent a lot of time together. The Bible is saying, in a Christian marriage, people must continue to befriend one another. I agree you did not have a lot of money. What you bought were chips and occasionally you could have a sausage. However, the critical thing was not what she ate; the critical thing is the time to just be alone with one another. Do not even buy chips; just take a walk round the estate with one another. At that point, you are not talking about anybody else; it is just you and her. That is what the Bible is saying.
Many of those financial conflicts you are having will disappear the day she realizes she is the queen of your life. In addition, you know something; Kings marry queens. The day you start treating your wife as a queen, what do you become? A king. A lot of us are manambas (touts) to our wives. As soon as you know you treat your wife like a manamba, what will you become? A manamba. The way you spend your money will depend on your belief, on the value of the woman who is your wife. In addition, many of those financial issues you are having have to do with not obeying the scriptures about cleaving, looking for opportunities to be together. Once you are friends you will be both open about how you are spending money and, in any case, you will spend money on each other rather than on relatives or concubines.
Thirdly, the Bible requires transparency
Gen 2:25 And they are both of them naked, the man and his wife, and they are not ashamed of themselves. (YLT)
Agreed the primary meaning of this is physical nakedness but it may also refer to openness of the heart. Many men want their women to be naked but not themselves. They must say everything. However, for them, remember they are the men; they do not feel they need to be open. Such a marriage is not Christian; it is traditional. Therefore, the wife has to reveal all her money sources and savings, and what she is spending on. But the man does not feel he needs to. Please read the verse again. The man and his wife were both naked. Not the woman naked and the husband clothed. It is both were naked. Therefore, it is not just that the wife must tell all. Even the man must tell all. Secrecy about money will only breed lack of trust. Lack of trust is a killer of marriages
Day 6
Gen 2:25And they are both of them naked, the man and his wife, and they are not ashamed of themselves. (YLT)
Then is the issue of not being ashamed of one another. You can be one but are embarrassed about each other. However, these people were one, they are even naked and they felt no shame in the presence of each other. Do you know these days you have to do even a research to tell who the husband of the other is. You go to the embassy to go to America, you say you are one but one person is called Kamau, then the wife is called Mrs. Ndung’u and they are claiming to be married. They now have to carry a marriage certificate to prove they are married. Why? For some reasons some women do not want to be called by the man’s name. I ask you, if you do not want to be seen as one, you are somewhat embarrassed about being seen together, are you having a Christian marriage? It is important to understand that in a Christian marriage, you are one with your woman. Other people may think she is ugly but she won your beauty contest. It is very important to understand she is Miss Universe as far as you are concerned. Do not worry the size of the nose or the ear. In addition, you know something; there is nobody ugly to the husband. By the time you marry her, you have sorted out that issue. Other people look at the ear and wonder, surely, why did you marry such an ugly woman … but to you, you see that ear and wonder how wonderful she looks! You are not embarrassed about one another. Moreover, the Word of God is saying, they felt no shame. In many marriages, you have married someone and because you are a boss in your place of work, you do not want people to know the messenger in the other office is your husband. Remember he may be a messenger to others, to you he is king because you are a queen. Irrespective of what job level ,he actually is you king. If you are embarrassed about your husband because of the job he does, or because of his height, there will be financial trouble that follows. Nevertheless, it is not the finances that the trouble. It is because in your own mind you do not feel like you are going to be in that marriage forever. Therefore, you do not want to invest in him or her.
Why did you marry? The reason for your marriage will affect the way you manage your finances. For example; some women did not marry a husband, they married a bank. They look at the kind of poverty level they have come from, and they say, God I have been so poor in my family do not allow me in my marriage to be poor. Therefore, they look around for a man who looks potentially like a bank. He is the one they marry. However, after you joined him, he turned out to be one of the collapsed banks. When your bank collapses, is there any hope for your marriage?
However, if you marry for the proper biblical reason, it does not matter whether he has money or does not have money. You married him for companionship. It will be easy to say to relate with him whatever he is worth
Then if it is a Christian marriage, it will acknowledge God’s presence. He is not visitor to your home but the owner. You therefore will seek his guidance on every money decision. If you believe God calls the shots in your marriage it will influence your attitude to money and your spouse Remember we are talking about beliefs about marriage that will help you manage your family finances.
Day 7
But the Lord said to Moses and Aaron, “Because you did not trust in me enough to honour me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them.”
There also must be trust and accepting vulnerability. What are we actually saying? That what seems like financial issues are not financial issues, it is that sometimes you seemly do not trust your wife with the money. However, the trouble is not the money, it is simply you do not trust her at all. In addition, the day you lose trust, you will be talking about behavioral problems that are almost breaking up your marriage. Marriage cannot run without trust. Over twenty years ago, I had a chance to go for a business trip to Finland. I then worked for a multinational oil company. The person who was our host was a single lady manager. During one of the eating out she came with a housemate who was a man. On enquiry, whether they were married, she replied, ‘I am not yet married, but we are staying together’ I said, what does that mean? In my country, you do not just marry before you have tried to live together. Even my mother comes to visit us but they know that you must test whether you are fit for one another before marriage. So you stay together for several years, if there is peace, you now finally go to the altar’.
I told her,’ let us be frank with one another. Marriage is un-triable. You cannot try marriage. Even if she comes and stays home, she is aware that she is not legally bound to you. Therefore, she realizes that if she does not treat you well, you could shed her off. Isn’t it? Therefore, she treats you in a certain way to win you. I want to tell you, the day you go to the altar, and you sign on the dotted line, if that afternoon he tries to divorce you, half of his money is yours. You can discover the change in behavior. In addition, you will discover that in marriage, it is a very different thing from come we stay together relationship. I know in science we like having pilot projects but marriage is based in trust and that trust cannot be tested in a trial marriage. In order to share money you need to trust each other
The other characteristic of a Christian marriage is that it is one-way traffic. Moreover, you know in a one-way traffic you cannot reverse. Unless you want to commit suicide. Even if you have taken the wrong route, you continue going until the next roundabout. Now, with marriage, it is one-way traffic. On the wedding day, you entered it. A little later, you discover waah! I entered the wrong road. This is not what you wanted. Please remember, unless you want to commit suicide… Keep going until the roundabout. In addition, what is the roundabout called? Death. Moreover, if you harass her until she dies, you are a murderer. It is very important to understand that the only thing you are left with is that, treat that woman well since you will share life together. The choice is not divorce. The choice is you will be in marriage either to endure it or enjoy it. Whether you endure or enjoy will depend on the value system and the way you treat the queen so that she can make you the king. This requires trust and vulnerability. You know, the more you reveal of yourself to another the more vulnerable. The more you know about me, the easier it is to understand me but also the easier to destroy me.
I was touched when I heard from police officers, that whenever somebody dies, the first suspect is the wife. I said that is terrible. At that time, the wife is crying and mourning. Then they come asking questions as to suggest that you are suspect. I think it is inhuman. In addition, the police officer said, please understand that there is something called motive and the motives is likely to be from friendship.
Vulnerability is caused by openness but it brings trust. If you have read my book, friendship, what is the definition of an enemy? I say in that book, an enemy is a former friend. You cannot be my enemy unless first you used to be my friend. So that the police have no time to waste with others. They go for friends who may have become former. The greater the friendship the greater the potential enmity … if you are just a casual friend, then you only can be a casual enemy. If you are big friend, then the possibility is you will be a big enemy. Therefore, please for your own security reasons please treat that girl well because potentially she is a potential great enemy. Therefore, for whatever reason, it is important to look for ways to make peace with that girl. Treat her well because in her welfare lies your welfare.
So a Christian marriage, demands becoming vulnerable. Moreover, if you refuse to be vulnerable your marriage will not work. In other words, the more I reveal myself to you, the greater vulnerability I have. Moreover, because I am vulnerable, I realize that the best way to deal with that vulnerability is to be friends with you. That is because I am vulnerable I treat you well. In addition, because I treat you well we become friendlier. Moreover, because I am friendlier I treat you even better. In addition, because I treat you even better we become friendlier. Therefore, even if I risk losing my money am ready to be open about what I have or do not have.
