Random Thoughts of the Day :)
Leslie Jordan
Random Thoughts of the Day:
I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about
is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's
not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're
wrong.
I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have
fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've
invented the lighter?
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in
the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But
instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you
came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a
grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the
surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the
sidewalk.
That's enough, Nickelback.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently
became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work
email with the phrase "Regards" again.
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You
take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem.
Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem?
There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out.
Today's kids are soft.
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly
realize I had no idea what the f*ck was going
on when I first saw it.
I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes
stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes
shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right
parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond
earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway
blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was
probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran
into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right
game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's
is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the
guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.
A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of
mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing
else to say".
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is
absolutely petrifying.
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all
I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to
prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will
undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell
my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10
second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively
swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how
to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person
died.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and
say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I
know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when
you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the
rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have
to restart my collection.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want
to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make
any changes to.
I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV.
There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep
it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter
of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends
after this?'
While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA.
No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese
athletes don't win, they are executed.
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but
when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd
you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone
of importance the entire day. What a waste.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't
already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for
pedophiles...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no
matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know
what time it is.
It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer
when they call.
I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out
that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was
not aware of my condition in college.
Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a
pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my
ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7
seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night
more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
Paul T. Banks
Paul Banks
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Paul T. Banks
Mindy Humpreys
Nathan Glass
That's enough, Nickelback.
Yes.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
Absolutely.
Dreadful.
Check.
Double check.
Nathan Glass
512.731.5044
natha...@gmail.com
scott landfried
Leslie Jordan
Retards,
Leslie
