Khula Hadith

[Heather Mitchell]

Thepurpose of referring to this hadith was to clarify the difference between advice, a direct command, and intercession, on behalf of someone who is in authority over another, and how the implications for each are different for the intended recipient. That is, it was solely discussed with reference to the concept of shafah. This was back in 2000-2001 (18 years ago).

As for the self-proclaimed feminists smirking as they read this, you can sit back too. I am in no way advocating that wives walk out on their husbands with their baby in tow as soon as a marriage goes sour and bad days come.

Older Muslims (well-intentioned givers of advice) use it a lot, usually whilst holding up their index fingers, when admonishing someone who is being oppressed and rightfully feeling angry at their oppressor, to not harbor any grudges against the latter, and to forgive and overlook even the greatest of injustices unconditionally.

Yet, and here is the clincher: the Prophet ﷺ was not mentioning this hatred that she felt, in a negative light. He did not admonish Barirah harshly to free her heart from this malice, to repent to Allah for being a rebellious wife, and to go back to her husband without question.

Instead, even though he was the official judge in their matter, in addition to her legal guardian whom she had dwelled with, in his home, along with his wife, he mentioned two things to her that were of importance and consequence.

The above two aspects regarding a husband are almost always quoted by bystanders and well-wishers as the main binding reasons why a Muslim wife, who wishes to get a divorce, should remain married to her husband (even if she hates him): i.e. (i) he loves her a lot, and, (ii) they have a child (or children) together.

She will just not be able to fulfill the Islamic rights that are due upon her regarding him. Such as obedience in all matters (qunoot), being respectful in tone and demeanor at all times, and providing sexual intercourse to him happily whenever he desires.

Being human, she will loathe the sight of him and react in anger most of the time, raising her voice, perhaps even being physically or verbally abusive, and not obeying him willingly. And this will make her tremble with fear when she thinks about being taken to account by Allah in the Hereafter, for whether or not she fulfilled her dues as a wife.

Barirah then asked the Prophet, probably to be absolutely clear about his verdict, whether he was commanding her to go back to Mughith (as her Prophet, judge, and leader), or was he merely interceding and advising her to do so?

Now, before the unhappily married girls (and women!) who are reading this, jump the gun and decide to take off from their abusive/dull/dead marriages (I have been there before, with some of my readers taking some of my rants a little too seriously, and doing something brash without thinking of the consequences, or considering all the aspects of the situation, first), I do wish to give all Muslim wives who are contemplating (i.e. dreaming wishfully of) divorce, some advice:

I have a lot of thoughts about the way the occupations, mindsets and roles of women in society are rapidly changing. I think that the generation born before 1970 really has very little idea about what exactly is going on. They are so wrapped up in past social habits, mindsets, and thought-bubbles (perhaps because they hang out with people of the same age?), even if they are tech-savvy and active on social media, that they really cannot truly see just what is coming for the generations ahead.

The girls today need us older women to guide them about how to navigate the turbulent social trends and changes coming their way. And just one of these, is the increasing financial/economic/political empowerment and independence of women, which is partly fueled by (or perhaps caused by) increasing emasculation among males.

Furthermore, the twin evils of pervasive-technology-fueled porn-and-masturbation addiction have unfortunately caused many young Muslim men to become prematurely emasculated, quite literally, vis-a-vis, they suffer from erectile dysfunction long before they hit age twenty-five, or get married (whichever comes first). And it is common knowledge among psychologists and experienced, senior sages alike, how difficult it can be for a sincere wife to respect a husband who cannot rise to the occasion (pun unintended) when it comes to satisfying her biological needs in the bedroom, or fulfilling her financial needs for basic survival.

But lo and behold, after this episode with their drinking water, not only did he give up his stubborn and persistent demands upon his mother to get him married, but he also started suffering from severe delusions, inexplicable muscular pains in his body, and chronic insomnia.

Anyhow, even though this shocking discovery did explain to me his sporadic weird and erratic behavior, especially in certain social situations and when he was alone with me, but what really took the cake were his delusions. He harbors (to this day) some staunch beliefs about many things, especially women, which are absolutely baseless and bizarre.

When I started to contemplate divorce back then, however, I had a 2-year-old and a newborn. Both pairs of our parents and Dr Shifa gave me the same advice: be patient, this is your fate. It is not that bad. You have two babies. Think of your children. People will find out. What will they say?

So I stayed. I was 28.5 years old, and back then, divorce was a major stigma. Besides, the elders of that generation almost always advised the wife to give up her rights, compromise, keep her mouth shut, and stay put in the marriage, no matter what her husband was guilty of.

Some of my own former friends, including those from my past religious-education circles (Al-Huda alumni), had chosen to stay with husbands who were no longer even Muslim, if the official Islamic fatawa (legal jurisprudential verdicts) were to be followed (instead of the advice of misguided, people-pleasing elders).

There are many other Muslim women, who choose to stay with husbands who do not pray salah at all; husbands who do not believe in the Hereafter (including the establishment of the Hour on the Day of Judgment), or who reject other aspects of Islam, such as the fact that Prophet Eesa (عَلَيْهِ ٱلسَّلَام) is still alive.

When confronted, my parents-in-law defended their action by saying that they had done it to restore the domestic happiness in the house of their son. His mother also claimed that they went and got the amulet from Binoria (a madrassa and fatwa-issuing body in Karachi that is considered authentic).

You see, my husband Irfan Hassan, apparently had another penchant deep down inside him that I had hitherto been completely unaware of. The negative change in his treatment of his wife and children (using mild words here) was confusing to me, at first, but it was based on the fact that little children brought out the soft side in him.

In short, they grew up very quickly, a fact that Dr Bilal Philips (who has also homeschooled his children) had categorically mentioned in one of his lectures that I attended. He had said that by age 16, your homeschooled Muslim child will be fully mature like an adult and ready for marriage.

My older 2 children greatly helped me understand what was going on with their degenerating father. The cause-and-effect relationship between his unpredictable mood swings and his bipolar behavior; the connection between what he said and what he actually meant; and the glaring disparity between his words and his actions.

By the way, after only a couple of meetings with me back in 2005-2006, Dr Shifa Naeem had referred my husband to another (male) psychiatrist, who eventually left the country, but not before shifting him to the pill Aripiprazole from Stelazine.

It was a downward spiral from then onward, as the children kept growing older. His job stress also kept increasing. Apparently, when you are younger, being on a high rank in an organization i.e. being part of its senior management looks all rosy and glamorous from the outside. Once you actually reach this high rank, however, the dark side becomes apparent to you very quickly. This dark side is the heavy and increasing workload and responsibilities, which can detrimentally affect your health and family life.

My father-in-law (Mohammad Naqi Hasan) died of covid-19 under mysterious circumstances in January 2021. Without delving into the morbid details, suffice to say this much: my husband and his immediate biological family members have an attitude towards healthcare that is based on the staunch (self-limiting) belief that it should be free.

They are extremely averse to spending any money for availing paid healthcare (e.g. in private hospitals). The exception to this unspoken but strictly-adhered-to rule in their family is when the one who is paying for any non-free, better-quality, private-hospital healthcare is earning in foreign exchange (i.e. they are gainfully employed in another country), or if this paid healthcare can be reimbursed by an employer, or if a third person is willing to donate the money required to finance the medical procedure.

So when my father-in-law was afflicted with covid and, when his condition started to deteriorate because of the care (or lack thereof) that he was being given at home, and he was rushed off to a government hospital, all of this was kept deliberately hidden from his extended family members.

Anyhow, long story short, because I blew the whistle, his mother and siblings demanded that my husband divorce me immediately, when he went to them for monetary help after depleting all of his savings after resigning from his job.

At this point I would like to add that another rather sad aspect of our marriage, one that I have never revealed to anyone up till now, is how my husband is unable to save any money, no matter how much he might be earning. This was not the case before he got married. When he was single, he had managed to save money. But after marriage, sadly, everything changed. I do all the budgeting and saving (despite not having a stingy hand at all). He just spends the money until it is gone. His bank accounts quickly become empty.

3a8082e126