[vn-singles] Dating my daughter
DnD
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vn-singles - Mesg from DnD <dd...@learjet.com>
For the guys who are going out this weekend, remember to keep this in mind..
:-)))
>
> Dating My Daughter
> -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
>
> When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's
> father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on
> his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect
> a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake
> that,
> when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
>
> Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how
> unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my
> best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto:
> wilt
> them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.
>
> "So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced.
> Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR
> stupid?"
>
> As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two
> stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
>
> Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
> delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking
> anything up.
>
> Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
> glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her
> neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's
> body, I will remove them.
>
> Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys
> of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to
> be
> falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but
> you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to
> be
> fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this
> compromise:
> You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants
> ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to
> assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the
> course
> of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun
> and
> fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
>
> Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex
> without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.
> Let
> me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL
> kill you.
>
> Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should
> talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
> do
> not do this. The only information I require from you is an
> indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
> house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is
> "early."
>
> Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
> opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as
> it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out
> with
> my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she
> is
> finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
>
> Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
> daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and
> fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be
> dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can
> take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just
> standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing
> the
> oil in my car?
>
> Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date
> with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything
> softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents,
> policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is
> darkness.
> Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places
> where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter
> to
> wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
> overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her
> throat.
> Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
> movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
>
> My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find
> me
> attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from
> memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for
> crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of
> these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he
> couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is
> prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules
> on
> his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and
> that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
> One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's
> would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the
> car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule
> number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few
> dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy.
> "Don't
> you remember being that age?" she challenged.
>
> Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight
> simple rules?
>
----------------------------
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