For all that Ciara Kelly is given to grumbling about contemporary foibles, she is at least aware that her complaints about diminishing self-reliance don’t necessarily cast her in the sunniest light.
On Tuesday the co-presenter of The Hard Shoulder (Newstalk, weekdays) opens her latest front against the allegedly coddling tendencies of our world when she bemoans the increasing prevalence of automatic cars – or, more precisely, the resulting lack of ability to drive what Americans, and indeed Kelly, call a stick shift.
“One of the reasons I don’t really like the idea of people giving up on manual cars is it’s another skill we’re losing and handing over to technology, up there with mental arithmetic,” she laments before calling out her own kvetching: “I sound like such an old git.”
As it is, Kelly’s argument is somewhat undercut by her admission that she drives an automatic car herself.
Her co-host, Shane Coleman, doesn’t share her concerns. “I don’t really feel nostalgic for the gearbox,” he says. “It’s progress.”
It’s a point well made: there were surely motorists a century ago who sniffed at those pampered souls who didn’t know how to start their car with a hand crank.
It’s the kind of throwaway why-oh-why item that the duo thrive on, not least because its automotive content is tailor-made for their early-evening commuter audience. But, fittingly for someone who enjoys being in control when moving forward, Kelly is adept at changing her approach as conditions demand, as indeed is Coleman.
Kelly adopts a suitably flippant tone when talking to the stylist Judy Gilroy about the perils of wearing flowy trousers from the fashion chain Zara, which have been dubbed “death pants” on social media. “TikTok is nothing if not dramatic,” the host says with an indulgent sigh.
But for all Kelly’s ongoing worries about overly protective attitudes – on Wednesday she wonders why people in Ireland are “disbarred” from drinking outdoors – she is sympathetic towards some restrictive proposals, such as Taoiseach Micheál Martin’s suggestion that e-scooters could face an outright ban.
“I don’t really object to them being banned,” Kelly says.
Her co-host is pithy about the widespread misuse of such vehicles: “It’s the wild west out there.”
Overall, Coleman frets less about modern mores than his partner, but he sounds exercised when his sense of propriety is offended. Talking to the auctioneer Ray Cooke about what landlords can and cannot request from prospective tenants, the presenter sounds genuinely shocked to learn that letting agents ask to see the bank statements of potential renters.
“I think it’s an outrageous intrusion,” he says. “It’s none of your business what’s in people’s bank statements.”
As a result, what starts out as an amiably informative item turns into an altogether tetchier exchange. If nothing else, it highlights just how cut-throat the squeezed Irish rental market has become.
It also demonstrates how Coleman, like Kelly, is adept at going through the gears rather than getting stuck in neutral. No wonder their on-air partnership currently sounds finely tuned.
Maverick solo runs are more the norm on Newstalk Breakfast (weekdays), where Anton Savage, its presenter, stands athwart the mooted e-scooter ban.
“I know I’m alone on this, but I’m very pro-e-scooters,” he says defiantly to his station colleague Claire Byrne before praising the controversial two-wheelers for their efficiency and economy. “I’m very against the people who use them wrongly,” he adds, “But there are 12 million Germans who are able use them successfully.”
This seems like a strong argument in favour of e-scooters, assuming one doesn’t subscribe to cliches about differing national characteristics of orderliness and rebelliousness.
One body with no truck for such stereotypes is Uisce Éireann. As a hosepipe ban is introduced in six counties, including Dublin, Savage hears how the company has disregarded the venerable (if perpetually broken) Irish taboo against informers by opening a hotline for people to report improper water use.
Rejecting the host’s colourful description of the phoneline as a “snitcher’s charter”, Margaret Attridge of Uisce Éireann claims that the move is designed to prevent personal confrontations by allowing touts – sorry, concerned citizens – to report transgressors to the company, which can pursue those breaking the conservation order.
“We don’t want to cause any neighbourhood disputes here,” Attridge says, with implausible optimism.
[ Uisce Éireann defends hotline for people to report ‘non-essential’ use of waterOpens in new window ]
Over on Lunchtime Live (Newstalk, weekdays), Andrea Gilligan isn’t as sanguine about the hot line’s potential for communal harmony. After reading out the freephone number (I’ll leave it to you and your conscience to decide whether to Google it), the host archly remarks: “That’s the number you have to call if you want to report Mary and John next door.”
Gilligan’s callers are similarly dubious about the measure, with Dee pointing out the “historical thing of being sleeveen”.
Gradually, however, the tide – or trickle, depending on supply – of opinion begins to turn. First up is John, who heartily approves: “I think they should give a reward for reporting.”
True, he’s not entirely serious; indeed, with his genially meandering anecdotes, John sounds less like a man making a point on a phone-in show than someone looking for a chat.
He does, however, resurrect the bitter water-charges controversy by suggesting that usage should be metered.
“That’s a whole other debacle,” Gilligan drily notes before moving on swiftly.
Kate, meanwhile, not only sees the benefit of curbing excessive water consumption but also admits she’s not above reporting someone. “I’ve called the dog warden on my neighbour,” she ominously confides.
As it turns out, grassing up people for hosing down their lawn is a perfectly natural psychological impulse. The psychiatrist Brendan Kelly suggests that Uisce Éireann’s move “opens a conversation about civic responsibility” before offering a more prosaically self-centred motivation for making complaints. “As humans we are exquisitely sensitive to any perceived injustice,” he chirpily suggests. “We would prefer to be done out of stuff that we have rather than see someone get ahead of us.”
It sounds like a classic example of the national propensity for begrudgery, but Kelly claims we’re not the only ones who feel this way. “It’s a very human thing, as opposed to necessarily an Irish thing,” he assures us.
Cold comfort, perhaps, but it adds to an already enjoyably cheeky segment. When it comes to enlivening silly-season stories, Gilligan knows how to take things up a gear.
Moment of the week
Tom Dunne is such a paragon of good cheer that it’s hard to imagine him holding any grudge. But sitting in on Moncrieff (Newstalk, weekdays) before Wednesday’s World Cup semi-final between England and Argentina, the presenter confesses that he can’t shake the Irish tradition of cheering against the English soccer team.
When one texter suggests this practice stems from narrow-minded prejudice, Dunne congratulates him – “Well said” – before adding, with just a touch of embarrassment, “I wouldn’t be able to say that myself, I have to be completely honest.”
When another listener texts that Irish fans should put the past behind them and shout for England, the host is again sheepish yet firm in his convictions: “You’re a bigger man than me.”
Following England’s eventual defeat, Dunne probably feels even smaller. Then again, maybe not.