Who Is Abroad In Japan Dating

[Rita Seliba]

Thefirst topic we agreed to write about is dating. Specifically, dating Japanese people in Japan. Kayo wrote her piece from the perspective of an outgoing, independent, and overall badass Japanese lady. Be sure to check it out here.

Then there is language. Japanese language is extremely high context, and the level of mastery you need for a healthy, fulfilling relationship goes far beyond what you need with friends or for business.

Naturally, people who feel exhausted with their lives in Japan figure the grass must be greener at the chalet. Usually you can tell when during the first few dates, your romantic interest asks you how long before you plan to go home, and how wonderful it must be to live abroad.

The most famous is the go-kon (合コン), which is basically a group first date. Many Japanese people are nervous of just meeting one-on-one, so instead they meet two-on-two, or three-on-three. A group of single ladies will meet with a group of single men, and couples will be formed.

I was also surprised by how many couples are formed within companies. Japanese employment is usually for life, so the company can be a second family. When you spend most of your time with colleagues, romance will naturally ensue.

Sadly, sometimes declarations fail. If she friendzones you, tough luck. On the bright side, you get to use one of my favorite Japanese phrases, furareta (振られた, meaning to get rejected)! Might as well turn it into a learning experience.

Also, as you say in your blog post: Speaking the local language really opens up lots of more possibilities. In China most people either speak very poor English, or (for the vast majority) do not speak any English at all.

The truth is (this is my gut feeling, you may challenge me on that ? ) about 95% of the woman will never consider dating a foreigner, about 5% would date both and then there is this tiny tiny fraction of women (actually significantly less than 1%) that will

exclusively target foreigners. They have the same weird motives of mixed blood child and this BS and some want to leave China ( a lot of Chinese people are not very happy with their lives).

Additionally, due to this stupid one child policy and the fact that still to this date women are considered as the inferior gender, men significantly outnumber the women. So there is a shortage of women especially in rural

areas. However, while men tend to stay at home the women tend to move into the big cities. Therefore in cities like Shanghai and Shenzhen women outnumber men a little bit.

Due to these circumstances foreigners (applies only to males) are considered to be stealing Chinese women while women that date a foreigner are considered inferior and therefore dating a foreigner gets a pretty bad touch.

1. Some girls will want to fuck/date/bfgf because you are white. These tend to be 1-3s/10 with the occasional cute party girl, but these girls are low not just because of looks but they will have the worst personalities. Girls that like you for being white, black, American- these girls are the bottom of the barrel, girls that japanese guys tend to not like (its no wonder they suddenly quit and turn to foreigners).

I can 100% confirm this experience. In Tokyo it is easy to get with women, but remember there are over 40 million people living in that area. In reality there are not that many women interested in dating a foreigner, especially high quality women.

It is commonly believed that dating in Japan is easy for non-Asian (particularly white) men and hard for women. I came across a blog post by zoomingjapn, a German girl living in Japan, writing about dating in Japan as a foreigner. She expresses this view.

However, there are many people who are successful at dating in Japan. Many people provided counter-examples in the comments. My personal experience also tells me that dating in Japan is completely feasible and a lot of my friends seem to be doing OK with dating here. Then the real question is this: what is the difference between successful and unsuccessful people?

Dating in Japan can be a bit harder, compared to a more socially open country, because Japanese people tend to be reserved and cautious with strangers. Every time I go to North America or Europe, I notice how easy it is to talk to random people. If it feels harder to date in Japan, maybe it really is.

I personally know many examples of foreign men marrying, having kids with, and even moving abroad (out of Japan) with their Japanese significant others and families and generally having successful relationships. That's not to say that they don't deal with culture differences and language barriers of course though.

I know ZERO examples of that with a foreign woman and Japanese man. The only relationships that I've seen be at least sort of successful are ones where the Japanese man is either half, speaks English very well (or whatever home language of the person they are dating), and/or has lived abroad for significant periods of their life. I do not think internationally minded, English speaking Japanese men is the norm at all. With a born and raised, Japanese only speaking Japanese man and foreign women, it just does not work for so many reasons. Take the normal difficulties of cultural differences and language barriers and then add just a fundamental difference in upbringing regarding what mens and womens roles are and it is a recipe for disaster.

This community is helpful not only because of the rarity of non-Asian women dating Asian men, but also because of complicated social issues such as dating the first son, gender roles, unequal earning potential. When each side enters the relationship with drastically different expectations, problems arise.

I met my husband in Pennsylvania. He was studying abroad at my university in America. I was on a committee with his roommate. Stuff happened. I spent the following year studying abroad in Tokyo, we got engaged, tied the knot shortly after I graduated from college, and moved back to Tokyo together.

Funnily enough, although you do see many more Japanese women dating non-Japanese men than vice versa, when it comes to marriage I know a hell of a lot more non-Japanese women married to Japanese men! My guess is that since we still live in a world where men tend to be the primary income earner, families who settle in Japan are more likely to have a Japanese husband, but even adding together all the mixed couples I knew in Australia the balance is still heavily tilted toward Japanese-husband over Japanese-wife (excuse the hetero-normativity).

Wow, the fact that Daisuke was a Japanese from Japan, and not a Japanese American Nissei who managed to get a white girl is quite amazing. AMWF relationships are rare, and when it does occur the Asian male is usually American born, not Fresh Off the Boat! As a sociology major I can tell you that statistically this combination of AMWF between a Japanese Issei is rarer than AMWM relationship where the Asian male is born in American. I am very glad to see you have blogs regarding your relationship to show the world that this rare combination does exist. I am happy to see AMWF relationships flourish in Japan. But the reality is, this combination is even seen as an anomaly in America also as you know.

Dating in Japan with kids2008/10/6 18:46 I recently started seeing a 23 going on 24 year old Japanese woman here in Tokyo, i myself am 24 going on 25. We have only seen each other three times in the last 2 1/2 or so weeks, and I really like her. Last night I decided to tell her that I have children (didnft do it the first date because I donft think that that is first date conversation, and I think we were still feeling each other out on the 2nd) but we spoke of past relationships on our 3rd date and I decided that I like her very much and I see 'us' going somewhere; so I told her, at first she was interested and said she did not mind. I was so happy! A great relief was off my shoulders! Then about 4 hours later I got a message from her saying that she cannot stop crying and that I cannot be her boyfriend, and to leave her alone. I am respectfully deciding to do that, but my question is...is this normal for Japanese women to freak out if you already have kids? Did I do something wrong by telling her? I just want to avoid this scenario for next time.by tips

well...2008/10/6 20:32 You are rather young, you have more than one kid, you are no longer in a relationship with the children's mother(s?), the instability meter is spinning wildly....

I would freak out, and I am not Japanese.by Tiltrate this post as useful

not really2008/10/6 20:42 I dont think it's a japanese thing, just a person's perference. Many would feel abit uncomfortable with the situation. I'd say u should make friends first with a japanese woman who youve told you have kids. Let time settle and let her become comfortable with that fact, and if things still spark, then go for a deeper relationship. Otherwise you'll have to depend on luck to see who doesnt mind you having kids already, which i say would probably have to be the older and more desparate ladies...

thats my 2cby sonnyrate this post as useful

.2008/10/6 23:25 I agree with sonny. It definitely is NOT a Japanese thing. Some just find it uncomfortable. There are positive things here too, though. You both were being honest. (As a parent, you never want to mess up with somebody who doesn't care for your kids.)by .rate this post as useful

...2008/10/7 11:19 is this normal for Japanese women to freak out if you already have kids? Did I do something wrong by telling her? I just want to avoid this scenario for next time.

I don't think it is abnormal for any 23 yr old woman, Japanese or otherwise, to be put off by a 24 yr old with multiple children.

Of course it was right to tell her, you should always be up front with the fact that you have children and never try to hide that.

I think it comes down to timing. Personally, I'm for telling potential gf's early like you did rather than after a relationship develops because after that point they may feel that you've deceived them.

Good luck in your search, it may seem like your situation is limiting your choices but really it is only limiting them to who would already be right for you.by ...rate this post as useful

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