" I Am Dead, But I Dont Know How Dead" :Absolute Hilarity at the Facebook Group Rant HQ

[Oluwatoyin Vincent Adepoju]

                                                                  The Case of the Unknown Major

"Admin please help approve.

I need help and advise o.

I was just goofing around 7 months ago on Facebook there I saw one pretty sister that was how the Casanova spirit inside me pushed me to send her friend request which she accepted after two days.

Some days after I sent her that hand wave on Facebook messenger and she responded.that was how it all started.. something in me was saying take it easy but this spirit of Casanova was really prepared to deal with me.

Fast forward three months later after pressure she accepted and she even told me she does not want any not serious fellow but I keep assuring her I am different that my love is here to stay..but deep inside me I came for the tithe and offering[metaphor using dishonest focus on appropriating  church offerings instead of focusing on worship, used in evoking  a focus on  self centred satisfaction in a relationship as different from investing in the relationship in the name of  benefits for both partners]..last weekend she visited me and we spent the weekend together.

 

On Sunday morning she asked me to go drop her which I obliged..we drove to Onikan close to Bunny camp [military barracks in Lagos, Nigeria], she pointed to the Army gate and ask me to drive in..I thought she was joking but she was not. We got to the gate my brothers and sisters the soldiers at the gate were saluting her..at that point I don't know if my car engine went off or I was the one that off it..I began to sweat but she did not notice.

 

i dropped her and she pecked me as I managed to drive off the gate. Later in the day while I was still counting my dilemma and what to do she chatted me to ask if she surprised me..I said not really that I am proud of her..meanwhile I have pee like 200 times already..

Just this morning she fully introduced herself as Major Esther, her only two brothers are Lt Col in the Army and she is the only girl of her father who is a retired Captain..

I know I am dead but I don't know how dead I am..my wife and kids are due to return to Lagos next week..

Please I need advise my people."

Selections from 8.2k comments

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  Banjoko-Yoyo Lolade Bamidele U r dead already. U r only waiting for your burial.😂😂 😂😂

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  Yabo Festus Natsa You are deading dead bro.

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  Isaac Ruth Just use your hand and buy your casket in advance to save your wife and family people d stress and cost.....cos you are already dead🙄

Comr Saleh Abdullahi Algoni God bless the dead

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• Unique Pricyqueen Ur own don't finish, chaiiii na men like una dem dey teach sense, ur garri don't pass water. [Nigerian pidgin proverb saying 'your misdeeds have spilled over into the day of judgement']

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  Nancy Adibuah The day of reckoning has finally arrived. Rest in peace player

Oluwatobi Alade Adegoke Oniranu[ Yoruba for 'absolute fool'],you better go and buy your casket. onisekuse [Yoruba for foolishly occupied person] .may your soul rest in peace

• Lynda Chidinma Mbadugha RIP in advance my nigga. I have lawyers if u wanna write ur will, I have event planners for ur burial, if u survive I can arrange ur hospital n home care. Take heart bro. It is well with your soul. Beep me whatever d case 08052095054

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  Chika Amadi Choose, the color of your casket, burial cite, and fix the burial date,my own is to type RIP here on Rant

Francis B Gbarale Nothing dey happen eeeh. The best option is to start to eat sugary things to make your manhood weak so that you will not be able to satisfy her again, she will run by force. Na me tell you, just try am. 

Ajibade M Horllawaley Brodaaaa!!!! If u are d owner of that house just dig a 6ft pit down.. if ur wife ask tell her u are digging anoda soakaway [septic tank]

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  Bennyboi Ezera

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[ Comment referencing the increased economic hardship  during the tenure of the current Nigerian president, whose image is depicted here]  

Donalex Doodo Okafor Hahahaha my man, you na captain ooo. The sooner you accept that the better for you. For her to be so proud of you to have allowed you drop her off to her place of work, na next level be that my brother. Prepare to marry a second wife or you prepare to go into exile.
Soldier go! Soldier come! Barrack go still remain!