upgrade to UNIX System VI
Manuel Argüelles
http://www.speedygrl.com/funnies/texts/UnixVI.htm
The following upgrade to UNIX System VI was posted to a Usenet newsgroup, the
original author is unknown to the poster.
Of course sys admins the world over know that Post-Modern Politically-Correct
BSD has already had these features for years.
In order for UNIX(tm) to survive into the nineties, it must get rid of its
intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become compatible with the
existing standards of our day. To this end, our technicians have come up with
a new version of UNIX, System VI, for use by the PC - that is,
the "Politically Correct."
Politically Correct UNIX: System VI Release Notes
UTILITIES
-------------
1. "man" pages are now called "person" pages.
2. Similarly, "hangman" is now the "person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime".
3. To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the "cat" command is now
merely "domestic_quadruped".
4. To date, there has only been a UNIX command for "yes" - reflecting the male
belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no. To address this
imbalance, System VI adds a "no" command, along with a "-f[orce]" option
which will crash the entire system if the "no" is ignored.
5. The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it has been replaced by the
more neutral "gender" command.
6. The "touch" command has been removed from the standard distribution due to
its inappropriate use by high-level managers.
7. "compress" has been replaced by the lightweight "feather" command. Thus,
old information (such as that from Dead White European Males) should be
archived via "tar" and "feather".
8. The "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the Reagan era.
System VI uses the environmentally preferable "less" command.
9. The biodegradable "KleeNeX" displaces the environmentally
unfriendly "LaTeX".
SHELL COMMANDS
------------------------
1. To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the "kill" command has been
renamed "euthanise."
2. The "nice" command was historically used by privileged users to give
themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be "nice". In
System VI, the "sue" command is used by unprivileged users to get for
themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones.
3. "history" has been completely rewritten, and is now called "herstory."
4. "quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will be
strictly enforced.
5. The "abort()" function is now called "choice()."
TERMINOLOGY
-------------------
1. From now on, "rich text" will be more accurately referred to as "exploitive
capitalist text".
2. The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes will now
be known as "spiritual guides."
3. There will no longer be a invidious distinction between "dumb" and "smart"
terminals. All terminals are equally valuable.
4. Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse video") was white on
black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism, particularly with
respect to people of African descent. UNIX System VI now uses "regressive
video" to refer to white on black, while "progressive video" can be any color
at all over a white background.
5. For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of "root" and
his "wheel" oligarchy. We have instituted a dictatorship of the users. All
system administration functions will be handled by the People's Committee for
Democratically Organizing the System (PC-DOS).
6. No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be "owned" by
users. All files and processes will own themselves, and decide how (or
whether) to respond to requests from users.
7. The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window System.
8. And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed "PC" - for Procreatively
Challenged.