Myguess is that when people read the title of this article they will react with either a, "what are they talking about? How can someone be grieving someone who is still alive and what the heck is ambiguous grief???" or a "holy crap, yes! I have felt exactly that way! Thank goodness WYG is finally covering this topic". This is one of those topics where if you have been there, you get it and if you haven't, you don't. Either way, hopefully you'll read on.
Before we dive in, if you clicked on this post because you feel like you are grieving someone with a terminal illness who has not yet died, there is another WYG article you should read before you read this article. Check out our article on Anticipatory Grief, which is about the grief that comes when we anticipate that we are going to lose someone.
My life long best friend, my wife of 27 years, the light of my heart and soul, the most kind, gentle, and caring person you would ever have met, and I was 21 years old and decided to devote the rest of my life to her, I loved her so very very much.
We are still married now, but have not spoken or seen each other in over two years now, in 2017 when our first and only son was just 11 months old, she took off her wedding ring, and shortly after she had an affair with a married man she met online, began to slandering me to her friends and family, got me cast out of our church, had me arrested and got full custody of my only son, by accusing me of being emotionally abusive, and finally about two years ago took my son and disappeared.
I miss them so much, it has been devestating to me not only emotionally, but physically as well, I suffered acute pancreatitis because the blow of their loss was so severe. I yearn for them every second of my lonely existence, I miss my best friend and my little Champ, and I am unable to get the understanding and support of my family.
I struggle to accept that she is no longer the person I fell madly in love with, I think I should actually grieve as though she had passed, because I have no closure, but I still love her and want us to be a family again, especially for my sons well-being both now and in the future, so I continue to grieve, and pray, asking the Lord to show her the way, home.
Hi, My elderly mum who is nearly 93, and was diagnosed with mixed dementia in mid 2020, has been in a very good care facility since Feb 2021. I had previously looked out for her for over 25 years, following the death of my dad. Lots of water under the bridge since diagnosis, plus falls, trips to the ED, a broken hip etc etc, and she keeps bouncing back again and again. I know I am ambiguously grieving, but as the major caregiver/support person/ advocate, along with my husband, the ongoing marathon is getting harder and harder to cope with. Have had some talk therapy, have supportive and empathetic friends, but I really just want it all to end. Do others feel the same?
Today, 13 days after my uncles incident we have been informed that he will not make a full recovery from his brain injury. We just celebrated his 63rd bday full of life and 3 days later he was in an accident. His energy is that of a healthy outgoing live driven young man. And now he is still with us, but I will never see him the same way. I was worried from the beginning, I am accepting now.
My husband and I helped someone (we met while traveling ) attain asylum. The process went smooth and fast. We opened our home, and provided the support. We treated this person like family. So many new experiences for this person all at once. Then, the person told us it was time to move on. It was out of no where. Of course, we worry; because moving 3,000 plus miles away with limited funds coupled with limited understanding of how it truly works here, makes it that much harder to help. I left a note in the suitcase, and the party stated it was heartfelt when read. Friends say it is similar to a parent growing pains. I just wish we knew why move 3,000 plus miles away when what we were told is not unfolding as shared. We talked once since the move, and have very limited response too texts. There is much more to this person, and I just wish there was a counselor I could speak with. Your article is straight on topic. Thank you.
you are not alone I live with this type of thing everyday. It is nothing you have done it is the way the brain works. I t is so unpredictable, do not blame yourself it is very hard and not manageable by normal conventional thinking or actions. Please do not blame yourself it is so difficult at times.
Engulfed in raw emotion by these posts, I wonder..can you experience ambiguous grief for yourself? While your people are grieving losing the you they knew, you also are grieving losing the you that you use to be?
Dear JKL,
You are not alone. I, too, have a ghost child. No longer a child either. But long gone, to the nether world of addiction. Your writing echoes all the pain and sadness, so exquisitely expressed. I understand. Thank you for having the courage to write this and to stand with your grief which is braver than guilt or shame. My hand in yours.
So glad to have found this information. Just over two years ago, my daughter turned on me. It was quite sudden. Things got better for a few months, but then one day she called and started all over again. Initially she let me speak to my only grandchild but that ended just over a year ago. We were very close. We spoke on the phone, via text message, or on video chat almost everyday sometimes more than once. I feel like an entirely different person. At times, the grief is overwhelming. I work to stay sane everyday through therapy, exercise, meditation and a variety of other methods. I hope putting a name to it will help me to find a way off the grief wheel I am stuck on?
My son and dil are divorcing. Dil has mental health issues and addictions. The sad thing is, she has shut my husband and me completely out of her life. Refuses to see us, blocked me on Facebook and my phone number. I thought of her as a daughter, we were friends. Now I am grieving my relationship with her, while she lives a few blocks away.
My daughter is 51 & lives in South Africa, she has various medical problems & was told she was terminal about 6 months ago.Knowing she is dieing is bad enough but not being able to be with her is even worse. When she phones me & is having a bad day because of pain etc I no longer know what to say to her, she does not have a very good support system & I feel helpless. I have had a phone call with her today where she has told me she has had enough & just wants to die because on top of everything else she now has covid. As I said before she dosent have a very good support system her partner is a dead loss & she has always done everything for them but he dosent seem to be there when she desperately needs someone. Its making me ill worrying about all of this
I so feel for you Anita. It is hell to hear your person telling you they want to die. My spouse does that at times- he has been paralysed from a stroke for ten years. I have no answer but just want you to know i understand and also has so many health probs from the stress of their pain..not that you can let them know. People tell you to take care of yourself etc but nothing really helps because you are consumed with worry. Hugs to you xx
Hello
My wife is in Ambigious Grief that me is died many years back whereas me & children live normally with her facing this syndrome. She is psychic patient of anxiety geting medicines recommended by doctor.
Please guide to coup this.
Waiting for response
Regards
Farrukh Saleem
Hi Jacquie, I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. The emotions you are experiencing are so normal given the complexity of the situation. I hope this blog and community can bring you some sense of comfort and remind you that, no matter what, you are definitely NOT alone!
I am in grief mode all the time lately and crying is a daily ritual. My daughter just got dumped by the love of her life ! I loved him too and had hopes he would some day be my son in law. My sister was just diagnosed with cancer, my spouse of 23 years is a low bottom alcoholic who just got fired from his long time job and is having an affair , and my dear friends son was just killed yesterday while riding his bike. I am filled with grief and sorrow and want to crawl up in a ball and cry.
I, too, am donor conceived. There are many support groups for us. I know it can be quite the knowledge to process. Reach out to World Wide Donor Conceived group on Facebook or the like. I think you may find it helpful. Best of luck.
I have to grieve an entire family that is still alive because I had to choose to save my mental health or choose to save a relationship that could not be saved. Everyone else chose to save the relationship.
To hold on to the kind of anger and hurt that wishes someone dead is harming yourself. You said that others have saved the relationship with this person so to them that person is not toxic (as you have described them to be). Why does one person mean you have to lose your whole family? Do the rest of the family see you as the problem? It sounds like you may need to sit down with a therapist and work out the dynamics of what is going on. I hope you can get the help you need so you can live a happy life.
Your sister needs a psychiatrist that will prescribe her some medications. It sounds like severe depression, as just bringing it up makes her cry. She is not ready for therapy, she needs some meds. Medication can help her be able to think clearly and get past the pain of it all.
I cried nearly everyday for a month and a half after her diagnosis in 2018 even though I had anticipated it. My mind just raced through what the rest of her life would look like. She got the disease I never considered a possibility because she was smart. In the last 6 to 8 months she has gone from early stage dementia to advanced dementia. I have POA over her estate and health matters. I made sure to get those in place prior to her diagnosis.
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