Naked Mile Run (an open letter in reply)
Alex Future Bokov
[This letter is public domain]
Dear Control Freaks:
Thank you for your appearance of concern for my safety. Though
touched, I accept the consequences of my own actions, and never
presume to shield other adults from the consequences of theirs. Nor do
I presume to spam said adults with unsolicited mass mailings
containing tampered-with headers. Nor do I seek to impose my own
puritannical views on a captive audience leaving no room for a
dissenting opinion (you'll notice that in *this* message, the
other recipients are not hidden from view).
I'm sure that you'll deny your views are puritannical. Of course,
you're just looking out for everybody's safety. Everybody's best
interests. But what I'm calling puritannical is that precise
assumption that you are qualified to make choices on behalf of
others. The Naked Mile is an Ann Arbor tradition, and it's long been
my position that running in it is an assertion of my membership in the
UM community, not to mention a victimless expression of defiance
against sanctimonious busibodies such as yourselves.
Everyplace I look, I see your sort of conformist mentality eroding
everything that is unique, exciting, and outstanding. If individuals
such as yourselves are not opposed, we will end up living in a bland,
sanitized, mediocre, FDA-approved culture full of guard rails,
padding, insipid warning labels, and frivolous lawsuits. A world
without guns, drugs, pornography, and software piracy. But also a
world without beauty, honesty, and courage. A world that has exchanged
freedom for security.
Bill, Eunice... come on, level with me, folks. It's not about
protecting us helpless students from ourselves, is it? Just like any
other attempt to "protect" people, this is basically about
control. When there's a mob of naked people running through the
streets and another mob watching them, for that one evening, you feel
like maybe you're not in charge. That nobody is in charge. And this
loss of control, however fleeting and symbolic, nonetheless scares
you. After all, if there is no control, why then, everything will go
to hell in a handbasket. You've had this drilled into you so deeply
and for so long, that you never even rationally examine your
fears. What if you weren't around to deliver your carefully composed,
calculatedly sensitive-sounding, non-threatening sermon? What if you
weren't here to get in the way, and it turned out to be just another
night in Ann Arbor with the number of rapes, murders, and
double-parkings not significantly deviating from historical averages?
Would that put you at ease? Or would it upset you even more?
Every year, we run the naked mile. Every year bureaucrats like
yourselves try to prevent it, but only succeed in attracting attention
to it and introducting a new incoming class to our little tradition.
Every year you illustrate how much concerted authoritarian effort it
takes to oppose casual, almost effortless emergent behavior. In
appreciation of the good work you're doing in teaching anarchy to the
masses, I decided to help out this time. I'm taking the liberty of
Cc-ing this letter to a number of individuals an mailing lists I know
who might be interested in this, as well as members of the student
press.
I'm not encouraging them to spread it to *their* friends, but if they
choose to do so, there isn't much anybody can do to stop them. They
have this vexing, unruly birthright called freedom of expression, and
it will take a lot of effort to obliterate completely. Far more effort
than the Nake Mile will, and you know how hard that's been for you
guys to get rid of.
--Go Blue,
Alex F. Bokov
PS: Please don't ever harrass me with unsolicited mass mail again. I
am requesting that you remove me from whatever mass mailing lists you
maintain, and let me know how and why you targetted me with your
mailing in the first place.
PPS: Any third parties reading this, first of all thanks for going
this far. Here's something that a housemate of mine does to make her
tush a little less appealing to the pervs taking pictures... she takes
along a water pistol, the natural enemy of audiovisual equipment. In
fact she takes along a whole bagfull of them (pre-filled) and
distributes them to the other runners. One year she was feeling
particularly mean and used bong-water as ammunition. I'm not saying
you should do this. In fact, I forget why I even brought it up, but
it's kind of a neat story isn't it?
On Wed, 11 Apr 2001, E. Royster Harper and William Bess wrote:
> Dear Students,
>
> We are writing to express our concerns about what has become for
> many a spring ritual. The Naked Mile, which began many years ago
> as a spontaneous celebration of the end of winter term classes by
> a few students, has become unpleasant and frightening. It has
> the potential of very serious consequences for participants.
>
> Each year the number of spectators of the event grows, and we know
> from Internet traffic that many of these individuals do not have
> healthy intentions toward participants. You can be exploited
> through your image appearing in uncensored videos offered for sale
> and in photo galleries on the Web and in cable broadcasts. Despite
> the best efforts of a group of student volunteers to keep the
> environment surrounding the event safe, over the years we have
> had instances of participants being sexually assaulted, tripped,
> grabbed, struck by objects, hit by cars, and being injured due to
> risky drinking. Last year an onlooker was found to be carrying a
> pistol, and a few years ago a member of the crowd used a bullwhip
> on some runners. In fact, runners and onlookers alike are
> vulnerable to all of these risks.
>
> This year there is an added danger. Construction activity and
> fencing in the Diag area increases the potential for physical
> injury. To reduce the risk of assault and injury, the remaining
> narrow pedestrian walkways between Hatcher Library/Haven Hall and
> Tisch Hall/Museum of Art will be closed off, and access to and
> from the Diag in that vicinity will be restricted.
>
> Finally, you could be arrested. City and campus police officers
> will be intensifying their enforcement of the law. An individual
> arrested for indecent exposure could, in some instances, be
> required to register thereafter as a sex offender. Given the role
> that alcohol consumption plays in creating a dangerous environment,
> we will have especially strict enforcement of alcohol violations.
>
> Our purpose here is to help you understand the risks and consequences
> you will face if you choose to participate. We urge you, out of our
> deepest concern for your well being, to stay away from this event
> and to find other, safer ways to celebrate the end of classes this
> spring.
>
> Sincerely,
>
>
> E. Royster Harper William R. Bess
> Vice President for Student Affairs Director of Public Safety
>
>
- --
bomb SOG CID
Why are the above words in my signature? Check out:
http://www.echelon.wiretapped.net
-----BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE-----
Version: PGP 6.5.1
iQBoAwUBOtWLTZvUJaRNHMexAQFFwAKUDoRcKuiJbQbz/BfczNQvJ8udJXejzp4g
/6bzOWPcGHYxoJlH/nzeFw3TCLDhEAtVrXpGG7KBYAs5CrdOKTb65cu7l5JSx4Ed
6zalWPsA4mzB+5E=
=Putc
-----END PGP SIGNATURE-----