tannoy jokes
Steve Maudsley
got any funnies that they've heard or made up?
thanks
Stephen
mar...@myrealbox.com
>I have to prepare a script for an "airport tannoy" for a large party. Anyone
>got any funnies that they've heard or made up?
Check-in staff: Madam, please wait in line to be checked in.
Passenger (impatiently and haughtily): But don't you know who I am?
Check-in staff: Ladies and gentlemen, there is a woman here who
doesn't know who she is. Can anyone help?
:-)
stephe...@ntlworld.com
"Steve Maudsley" <ne...@sjmaudsley.fsnet.co.uk> wrote in message
news:ASSYEE...@assayer.co.uk...
Graeme Wall
"Ter...@terrier.net" <stephe...@ntlworld.com> wrote:
Genuine one from Dublin: Passengers for the BA flight to London waiting at
Gate 14 please go to gate 22 as the incoming Aer Lingus flight has parked on
the wrong gate.
--
Graeme Wall
This address is not read, substitute trains for rail.
Transport Miscellany at <http://www.greywall.demon.co.uk/rail/index.html>
jboy
The set belt fastens and unfastens like this. If you haven't worked that out
by now, you really shouldn't be let out.
In case of an emergency. Take the life jacket out from under the seat and
place it over your head and tie a bow at the side. If you don't know how to
tie a bow please prepare to drown when instructed.
In case the cabin air fails oxygen masks will deploy. Pull the mask to you
face and breath normally. Place you own mask on before helping infants. If
you have more than one infant travelling with you today, chose which you
love most now, to avoid squabbles later.
All rest rooms on this plane are fitted with smoke detectors. Smoke in their
and you'll wake up the whole plane..
Please place your seat in the upright position, for takeoff. That's the one
where feet still touch the floor sonny..
"Steve Maudsley" <ne...@sjmaudsley.fsnet.co.uk> wrote in message
news:ASSYEE...@assayer.co.uk...
Doug Steel
> got any funnies that they've heard or made up?
One I actually heard on a United Airlines flight (an oldy but a goody):
"Passengers are reminded to be careful when opening the overhead
lockers, because shift happens"
Doug
Graham Wilson
<ne...@sjmaudsley.fsnet.co.uk> wrote:
>I have to prepare a script for an "airport tannoy" for a large party. Anyone
>got any funnies that they've heard or made up?
I don't know where I picked it up from, but a couple of years ago, I
came across an audio file. It appears that someone has recorded the
airport passenger announcements at Gatwick and Heathrow onto a tape
player.
The text story that goes with the audio file, is that a couple of
practical jokers, who used to have to pick people up from the airport,
would ask unsuspecting airport announcers to page fake passengers. The
audio file is very funny.
I have marked with an * the name of the passengers they would ask for
and in brackets is what the audio tape sort of sounded like. The bit
after the dash is the part that the announcer would add on themselves:
* Arheddis Varkenjaab and Aywellbe Fayed
(I hate this fucking job and I will be fired - please go to the
meeting point)
* Arhevbin Fayed and Bybeiev Rhibodie
(I've just been fired and bye-bye everybody - please contact airport
information)
* Aynayda Pizaqvick and Malexa Kriest
(I need a piss quick and my legs are crossed - please contact the
airport information desk)
*Awul Dasfilshabeda and Nowaynayda Zheet
(Ah-uh, that feels better and now I need a shit - please contact
airport information desk)
* Makollig Jezvahted and Levdaroum DeBahzted
(My colleague just farted and left the room, the bastard - please go
to the airport information desk)
* Steelaygot Maowenbach and Tuka Piziniztee
(Still, I got my own back and took a piss in his tea - to the airport
information desk)
Why not give someone just the list of the names and get them to try
and read them out as a tannoy announcement?
Graham
JK
http://www.esatclear.ie/~jonkil/misc_stuff/airport.doc
JK
"Graham Wilson" <gra...@dircon.co.uk> wrote in message
news:ec00905ghsk97q9l4...@4ax.com...
elyob
> <ne...@sjmaudsley.fsnet.co.uk> wrote:
>
> >I have to prepare a script for an "airport tannoy" for a large party.
Anyone
> >got any funnies that they've heard or made up?
>
Norma Snipples?
Dave Eadsforth
<newsp...@hotmail.com> writes
Cheers,
Dave
--
Dave Eadsforth
me
name is Richard Clarke-Head :-
Ding Dong ...
"Will Dick Head conta...."
Pause
"Will Richard Clark contact the switchboard please"
Strange thing is, the guy preferred NOT to use the FIRST half of his surname
and always introduced himself as Dick. Clearly a man with a well developed
sense of humour.
E.
"Graham Wilson" <gra...@dircon.co.uk> wrote in message
news:ec00905ghsk97q9l4...@4ax.com...
Peter Twydell
<da...@magnum.demon.co.uk> writes
And don't forget Ophelia Balls.
Years ago I actually worked with a chap called Mike Hunt, and he was
quite proud of his name!
>
--
Peter
Ying tong iddle-i po!
Model Flyer
> Or her German cousin, Norma Stitz?
>
> And don't forget Ophelia Balls.
>
> Years ago I actually worked with a chap called Mike Hunt, and he
was
> quite proud of his name!
> >
>
Some years ago a friend of my wife's worked in the navy as secretary
for a
Captain Drinkwater.
JKL
Graeme Wall
Peter Twydell <Pe...@nospam.demon.co.uk> wrote:
[snip]
>
> Years ago I actually worked with a chap called Mike Hunt, and he was
> quite proud of his name!
> >
>
So did I (probably not the same Mike!), one day one of the secretaries burst
into the canteen and yelled "Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?" She then realised
what she had just said and blushed very red.
Graham Wilson
wrote:
>Some years ago a friend of my wife's worked in the navy as secretary
>for a
>Captain Drinkwater.
>
My mother's GP many years ago was Dr Coffin. One of my teachers was
called John Wayne Kerr.
I have come across solicitors called Mr Judge and Mrs Laws.
Graham
Peter Twydell
<Pe...@nospam.demon.co.uk> writes
I also once had a customer called Cliff Edge.
Adrian Tupper
@news.indigo.ie:
> >
>> Or her German cousin, Norma Stitz?
>>
>> And don't forget Ophelia Balls.
>>
>> Years ago I actually worked with a chap called Mike Hunt, and he
> was
>> quite proud of his name!
>> >
>>
>
> Some years ago a friend of my wife's worked in the navy as secretary
> for a
> Captain Drinkwater.
>
I have known a Richard Head, a Dick Withers Green and a Pearl Harbour
in my time.
--
Adrian
Adrian Tupper
There's an estate agency in Shropshire called Dolittle and Dalley. I've
often wondered whether that name is contrived or not.
--
Adrian
Adrian Tupper
news:469973aa4c%ra...@greywall.demon.co.uk:
> In message <PvAofJAyuJmAFwZ$@ntlworld.com>
> Peter Twydell <Pe...@nospam.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>
> [snip]
>>
>> Years ago I actually worked with a chap called Mike Hunt, and he was
>> quite proud of his name!
>> >
>>
>
> So did I (probably not the same Mike!), one day one of the secretaries
> burst into the canteen and yelled "Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?" She
> then realised what she had just said and blushed very red.
>
Wasn't that in one of those college films like Animal House or Porky's?
I heard a similar story about someone putting out a call for "R Sole"
--
Adrian
Ali Hopkins
"Adrian Tupper" <adrian...@totalise.co.uk> wrote in message
news:Xns94E47...@194.247.47.119...
I had a dentist called Mr Fang.
Ali
Steve Firth
> Some years ago a friend of my wife's worked in the navy as secretary
> for a
> Captain Drinkwater.
Oh yes, remembered from the noticeboard at University "Tonight's Public
Lecture: Freshwater Ecology, given by A. Trout" Dr Anne Trout as it
turned out.
--
Having problems understanding usenet? Or do you simply need help but
are getting unhelpful answers? Subscribe to: uk.net.beginners for
friendly advice in a flame-free environment.
Steve Firth
> Genuine tannoy call some years ago at Marconi in Fife for a guy whose full
> name is Richard Clarke-Head :-
>
> Ding Dong ...
> "Will Dick Head conta...."
> Pause
> "Will Richard Clark contact the switchboard please"
About 20 years ago I worked for a big pharmaceuticals company and I got
paged on the Tannoy quite often. I was on the production floor when I
got a visit from a sales rep that supplied us with equipment, name of
Nick Bird.
<bing-bong>
"Stephen Firth to reception please, Stephen Firth to reception please. A
Nicholas Bird is waiting for him."
The entire factory floor dissolved into laughter.
More recently I have been working on projects for refit of Jaguar
aircraft and some work on EFA/Typhoon. I got a visit from the (French)
head of a research organisation we collaborate with. The receptionist
could hardly get the message out for laughing.
"Steve Firth to Main Gate, to sign in your visitor who is A. Clot."
Stephen
news:2g6ie1F...@uni-berlin.de...
At the same place there was once a guy working there called Dick Cheese!!
Stephen
Graham Wilson
<adrian...@totalise.co.uk> wrote:
>Graham Wilson <gra...@dircon.co.uk> wrote in
>news:dvgl905elotaebvp4...@4ax.com:
>> My mother's GP many years ago was Dr Coffin. One of my teachers was
>> called John Wayne Kerr.
>>
>> I have come across solicitors called Mr Judge and Mrs Laws.
>There's an estate agency in Shropshire called Dolittle and Dalley. I've
>often wondered whether that name is contrived or not.
There is a law firm in Leamington Spa called "Wright Hassell"
Graham
MrBitsy
>> I don't know where I picked it up from, but a couple of years ago, I
>> came across an audio file. It appears that someone has recorded the
>> airport passenger announcements at Gatwick and Heathrow onto a tape
>> player.
>
http://www.solent-aviation-society.co.uk/Other/tannoy.doc
Enjoy!
MrRitsy