I'm A Celebrity...!
Arthur Thacker
nothing to watch last night. All that was on was some shitty programme about
teenagers telling families how they should be run. What a load of absolute
twat. My teenagers used to tell me how they thought my family should be run,
and I wouldn't have it. I told them if they didn't toe the line they'd be
booted out on their bony arses. So they did what they wanted to do
anyway...and I kicked them out. Haven't seen them since, and good fucking
riddance to bad rubbish, I say.
But what about this 'I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!" stuff. Bloody
great, that was. Well worth watching just to see Toyah Willcox writhing
round in a pool of mud. I'd have paid good money to see that twenty years
ago. She's a bit ropey now, mind, but it was still well worth tuning in for.
Fucking never heard of half of them, though. Phil Tufnell...who the fuck is
he? Then somebody tells me he's a cricketer or something like that. Well,
that explains why I've never heard of the cunt. Cricket? I'd rather watch my
grannie drown in her own piss, thank you very much. That Chris bloke...he
never said a fucking word, he didn't. All he was there for was to squirt
water over that pouting, upper-crust model with the goofy teeth and no
personality. And he didn't do that very well. All he did was squirt some
water over her with one of them water pistol things. I wouldn't have done
that. They're out in the jungle, for fuck's sake! Anything goes out there.
Why didn't he piss all over her instead? I would have done. Now that would
have made for great viewing.
What about Fashanu, eh? What a big soft cunt. He's scared of spiders, scared
of snakes, scared of creepy crawlies, scared of heights, scared of balancing
on a big log and scared of fucking water. And this is a man who was fearless
as a professional footballer. Well, fearless when it came to kicing lumps
off the opposition, that is. If they'd given him a bush-tucker trail in
which he had to elbow Spurs' captains in the face, smashing their eye
sockets and then denying that he'd done anything, he'd have been shit-hot at
that. No messing about. But no...to scare him they make him walk over a high
rope bridge, then shove his head in some eels and other nasty creepy things,
then climb into a pit of snakes (something he should have been used to from
his days of climbing into a bath with the rest of the Wimbledon Crazy Gang),
then fucking shove stuff down his pants. And you can't tell me this country
isn't inherently racist. Stick a black cunt on some telly programme and the
people ring in left right and centre trying to get him to be at home in the
jungle, where he fucking belongs anyway.
If they really wanted to scare the living holy shite out of John Fashanu,
all they had to do was dig up his bent faggoty arsed paedophile
child-molesting brother and string the cunt up from one of them jungle
vines. That would have made him scream...
"I was alright...well focused...as I trudged though the spiders, snakes,
scorpions and other shit, then as I climbed up that rope bridge, but it
really freaked me out when they said I had to cut our Justin's decaying body
down from the vine...horrible..."
Big soft black cunt. I'd have pissed through all them bush-tucker trials of
his. Bloody pissed through 'em all.
And you can't tell me that Linda Barker wasn't getting shagged all the time,
by everyone from Fash and Tuffers to celebrity chef, Antony Worrall
Thompson. I bet even Wayne Sleep had a pop at her rancid smelly old minge.
Then again, by the looks of it, him and Fash were having plenty of little
jaunts out into the forest to do God knows what to each other. Poor
Wayne...he thought Fash was their Justin. I bet he had a few good bumming
sessions lined up as soon as his agent told him who was on the show. Wayne
fucking Sleep...what a pathetic little nonce! People like him want blowing
up, not sending through a glass tank full of rats. They should have made him
wade through a sewer - he'd have been good at that. The dirty little
pederast.
I was hoping Tony Blackburn would have been there to defend his title as
King Of The Jungle. Shame, that. And I hope next year they have somebody
better than a fat chef, a washed up ex-footballer-turned-racketeering
max-fixing coon, a dwarf singer with a lisp, some tarty fucking doer-up of
other people's houses, an ex-Coronation Street Paki, a faceless model who
just wanted putting over my knee and having her arse slapped, a drug-crazed
cricketer with a face like a puckered whore's cunt, that fucking Sian Lloyd
with her stretched face and gob like a slice of melon, a queer ballet dancer
and that fucking septum-less Eastenders has-been Danniella Wankbrook.
"I miss my kids! I want to go home."
Yeah, right. Day one she started that fucking crap, about missing her kids
and wanting to go home. My fucking arse. If she wanted to go home so much
then why the fuck did she stick it out for another week? She missed her
kids. Like bollocks she did. What she missed was her fucking daily fix of
crack. Same as Wayne Sleep, really. They should have taken her out and
fucking shot her right between the eyes, then propped her up with a big
stick up her hole and carried on. Nobody would have noticed.
And now we get all the recriminations. People who said they really liked
each other for the two weeks in the jungle will be selling their shit to the
papers about what a cunt everyone was. Already we have that Linda Barker
telling her husband to fuck off, and Phil Tufnell flogging his story to the
press about what a twat he's been and how many drugs he took and how pissed
he's been for the last twenty years. Someone told me, when I asked, that
Phil Tufnell was one of the best cricketers England have had in the past
fifteen years. Ah, well, that explains a lot, then. If he's the best we had,
no wonder we never won fuck all at that stupid and pointless sport.
You know who they should get for next year's programme: Bernard Manning,
Chris Eubank, Lennox Lewis, Jim Davidson, Margaret Thatcher, Arthur
Scargill, Cliff Richard, Dale Winton, Michael Barrymore and fucking Chubby
Brown.
I'd watch that, I would. Fucking right.
Belrog The Red
"Arthur Thacker" <b...@groin.com> wrote in message
news:b9tia7$ivq$1...@titan.btinternet.com...
<snip>
> You know who they should get for next year's programme: Bernard Manning,
> Chris Eubank, Lennox Lewis, Jim Davidson, Margaret Thatcher, Arthur
> Scargill, Cliff Richard, Dale Winton, Michael Barrymore and fucking Chubby
> Brown.
>
> I'd watch that, I would. Fucking right.
>
Bit long-winded for something you don't even like, eh Arthur?
Besides, wasn't Chris Eubank on it last year? I could be wrong, usually am.
By the way, is this the type of thing we're going to have to resort to for
post-season chat? If so, God help us all.....
Belrog
SteveO
"Belrog The Red" <thealmig...@blueyonder.co.uk> wrote in message
news:x_xwa.701$Tm2...@news-binary.blueyonder.co.uk...
Janice King
"Belrog The Red" <thealmig...@blueyonder.co.uk> wrote in message
news:x_xwa.701$Tm2...@news-binary.blueyonder.co.uk...
>
> news:b9tia7$ivq$1...@titan.btinternet.com...
> <snip>
>
> > You know who they should get for next year's programme: Bernard Manning,
> > Chris Eubank, Lennox Lewis, Jim Davidson, Margaret Thatcher, Arthur
> > Scargill, Cliff Richard, Dale Winton, Michael Barrymore and fucking
Chubby
> > Brown.
> >
> > I'd watch that, I would. Fucking right.
> >
>
> Bit long-winded for something you don't even like, eh Arthur?
>
> Besides, wasn't Chris Eubank on it last year? I could be wrong, usually
am.
Think he was in celeb. Big brother!
Neo the magnificent
Class