ATEOTD 267 POSTED BY REQUEST
Sir Nicholas Quimbox
Doesn't it just bring a smile to your face...seeing all those young kids
on the threshold of adulthood as they receive their A-Level results?
Fuck off. It fair makes me want to throw my guts up. All that hugging
one another and dancing up and down. There was none of that when I was
their age. In them days if a girl from your class hugged another girl
just because she'd got three A passes, they'd both be called a pair of
fucking lezzers. And in order an' all. And the cameras are always there
now, every fucking year.
"With me is 18-year-old Sarah Swottingbint, who has just got 9 A-Levels
all of them grade A. What are you going to do after school, then,
Sarah?"
"Well, I thought I might go to Cambridge...or Oxford, then take three
years off halfway through my studies and rag off to India where I can
get fucking murdered like all the other lazy bone idle workshy fucking
parasite student backpackers. Or Australia to be burned alive by some
maniac in a youth hostel. Or I might become a drug addict and die in
squalor just to thwart my parents because they've never understood me
and I hate them I hate them!!"
They say this year that girls have done better than boys in exams
results, and that this is a trend that's been ongoing now for the past
ten years or so. And you know why girls do better in exams than boys do?
Because they're all sucking their course tutors' dicks. That's fucking
why. How else do they get better results than boys, who are far more
intelligent than girls by a long way. And the dirty bitches who take one
up the shitter are the ones who get the highest results.
"So...Sarah, was it hard work getting all those A-Level passes?"
"You could say that. I couldn't sit down for a month after my last
assignment was marked. And the doctor says I've got the bumgrapes of a
woman of seventy."
You can't tell me these exams results aren't fucking fixed, because I
know they are. And there was Prince William as well, getting his A-Level
results today. Hmmmmm, and I bet his received exactly the same treatment
as every fucker else's exams papers. I don't bastard well think. They
must think we're fucking stupid. If Prince William did happen to fail
all his exams, can you really see the chinless buck-toothed little cunt
going down the local college to enrol in some resit courses? Yeah,
right.
What they should do at this time of the year is, instead of following
the successful A-Level students as they get their results, follow the
fucking failures. Make their lives a misery as the camera follows them
everywhere...
"Toby Uttershite, you have just failed all your A-Levels, haven't you?
You're useless, aren't you, Toby. A waste of fucking space, just like
your successful father always said you were. Your mother's going to beat
the crap out of you now, isn't she? And that girl you've always had your
eyes on isn't going to give you a second glance now, is she? Is she
fuck! You're a fucking failure. And you've got spots. Why don't you go
and kill yourself and save your family the embarrassment of knowing that
they've raised a total tosspot who will never amount to anything?"
Then they can film him committing suicide - kind of a video diary type
thing - and show it on telly. Preferably on BBC 2's 'Comedy Zone' on a
Friday night.
You can tell that I have no time for students. They are all cunts, and
worthless ones at that. They're too fucking scared to go out into the
real world, so they hide themselves away at some poxy university for
three years so they can come out the other end and ponse about with
their studenty mates about what a great laugh it all was being "at uni".
My arse. They're all lazy, scruffy, fucking ill-mannered cunts who
should be forced to sweep the streets instead of wasting the taxpayer's
money by sponging off the rest of us while they do fuck all apart from
talk loudly in pubs and smoke fags made of rolled up shit.
What they should have on telly - seeing as everyone's into all this fly-
on-the-wall thing these days - is something called 'Schoolwatch 2000'.
You know how they've had 'Hospital Watch' and 'Badger Watch' and all
them other wank telly programmes? A bit like that, only there are
cameras set up in some school and we all get to watch what's going on
live. I dunno about the rest of you, but that would have made for great
viewing if my old school had been chosen...
"...and we're going over live now to the gym, where Brother Augustus is
doing some special after-hours lessons with three first years
and...oooh, that looks like a bullwhip he's got there. I do believe it
is. Hmmm, no-one told us that naked volleyball was on the curriculum
this year..."
Then it'd be over to the bogs on the second floor where David Leach and
his mate were wanking each other off over pictures of Mr Higgins, the
History master. And for what they might have caught deputy head Mr
McDonagh doing in his study...well, he'd have still been doing a life
stretch in Strangeways. Very appropriate. There were lots of sore arses
to be had at my old school, let me tell you...and they weren't all due
to the leather strap and the old bamboo cane.
I'll tell you summat else I'd like to se. I'd like to see this submarine
rescue thing taken all the way to its final conclusion at the weekend.
I've watched it right from the start, me, and I'd like to think that, as
the suffocated bodies are being brought out in bags, the TV news people
will be there to capture it all. It's only right and fair is that. I
mean, let's face it...there's fuck all down for the poor bastards now.
They can't still be alive. Only this morning some Russian general big
wig said that there were "no signs of life on board the sub...ski". And
yet later today we had some other fucking military ponse claiming that
there could be at least another three weeks of air left on board, and
that the men could easily last that long.
It's a pretty big margin of error, that is. Can you imagine that pair of
losers at one of them soldier initiation things they always have?
"Take that bag off Private Kowalski's head at once. There's no sign of
life in the poor chap."
"Nonsense. leave it on...he's good for another three minutes at least in
there."
Can you believe that the same race of people who thwarted first Napoleon
and then Hitler, who pulled together to overthrow their own royal family
in a bloody revolution, who put the first man in space...can you believe
that these cretins can't even stop a submarine sinking? And not only
that...they let it sink and decided not to bother telling anybody else
about it until it was way too late for them to be helped. Dickheads.
This the race of people who gave the world Tchaikovsky, Lenin,
Dostoyevsky, Pasternak, Sikorsky and Olga Korbut. Then again, they did
also give us the Lada and Kirk fucking Douglas. What an inept shower of
cunts.
But have no fear...because the Brits are here, to save the day. We have
sent over a crack submarine rescue team from...ahem!...Scotland. How
fucking comforting is that to the stricken and their hopeful friends and
loved ones?
"Don't worry...although it's a high-tech super nuclear submarine and
it's 500 feet down on the bottom of the icy Arctic seas, we're sending
in...a load of pissed up ginger blokes called Hamish singing 'we'll tak
the high road'. That'll do the trick."
Apparently, all they have to do is negotiate the rescue sub close to the
surface above the sunken sub, then lower down a diving bell, hook up to
the rescue hatch and - Bob's your uncle - job's a good 'un! Piece of
fucking piss for the race of folk who brought you The Krankies, Simple
Minds and Inverness Caledonian fucking Thistle.
Time we all said a fucking great big prayer for the poor cunts, I
reckon.
--
Arthur Thacker
http://forum.onecenter.com/athacker
http://www.millersfield.demon.co.uk/archives.htm