How come...
Arthur Thacker
dog. Every time. Either that or a fucking jogger. But more often then not
it's some poor bastard out walking his dog who stumbles across a body, a
murder victim or whatever. Why is that? What's going on there? You're
sitting there watching telly and you think: I know, I'll take the dog for a
walk. You get the lead, put its collar on and off you go. Then, just ten
minutes into your stroll, you stumble across the body of someone who's been
murdered, and it's always in a "local beauty spot" or some "lovers' lane"
type thing. I've got a dog, and I never take it out for a walk. Because if I
did I'd probably stumble across some body lying in a shallow grave. And it's
always a shallow grave, isn't it? Never a deep one. If I was a murderer,
there's no way I'd bump someone off in a local beauty spot where people walk
their dogs, and I sure as fuck wouldn't bury the body in a shallow grave.
I'd do it somewhere people would never dream of walking their dogs, and I'd
make sure I had a fucking big spade and a pickaxe with me, just in case.
"The body was found by a man out walking his dog in a local beauty spot, in
a shallow grave."
I'm sick of hearing that on the news. What I want to hear on the news is
something like:
"The body was found by a man out flying his kite in a local ugly spot, and
he had to dig because the grave was fucking deep."
That's what I want to hear.
And how come the police are always looking for a "white van", usually a Ford
Transit driven by some nutter who should still have been in jail for the
three murders he did ten years ago?
"Firemen tried to reach the couple inside the house, but they were beaten
back by the flames."
That's another one we always hear. Every time there's a fire and someone's
got trapped inside a house, the firemen are always beaten back by the
flames. Why? They're fucking firemen. If they're firemen they should never
be beaten back by a few flames, not with all that modern gear they have on.
In the old days, when a firemen only went in with a hatchet, a torch and a
duffle coat, fair enough. But not these days.
"Never mind burning the house," say the flames to each other. "There's some
firemen trying to get in the front door. Let's go and beat them back."
And when someone dies and they're asleep, they always "die peacefully in
their sleep". No-one ever dies peacefully when they're awake. Can you not
die peacefully when you're awake? Is it not possible? There was a bloke a
few years ago who was working at a metal-shredding plant in Bradford. He was
reading his paper when he toppled into the shredding machine. Gone. In about
two seconds. Fuck all left. Wasn't that peaceful enough? You're walking
along and a lorry steams up behind you at 70mph, mounts the pavement and
knocks you through the front of Marks & Spencers...that's about as peaceful
as you can get. You don't even get the fucking smell. A brief moment of
well-being, and that's your fucking lot. No sleep, plenty of peace.
"A man died peacefully wide awake today when, whilst sunbathing and reading
a copy of the Reader's Digest, he was run over and squashed by a runaway
steamroller."
Peaceful...one second you're reading about someone climbing Everest, the
next you're a fucking Rizla.
And how does anyone know that dying in youe sleep is particularly peaceful?
You could, just before you're about to die, be having a really bad dream. A
nightmare in which you are being chased and then eaten alive by a huge,
six-headed dinosaur, then dismembered by mass murderers and fed to pigs. I
wouldn't call that a peaceful way to go. Of course, it's only ever said to
spare relatives and loved ones the unnecessary: saying they died peacefully
in their sleep cossets the angst-ridden mind somewhat.
"How did my husband die, doctor?"
"In his sleep, Mrs Smith."
"Oh, thank God. It was peaceful, then?"
"Er...not necessarily. He could have been dreaming about anything at the
time. Didn't you say he'd been in Ausschwitz and had been suffering terrible
nightmares? Could have been a right belter he was having when he popped off.
We'll never know, Mrs Smith. We'll never know."
And when some young girl gets murdered, they're always "special" and "full
of life"; they're always a parents' "pride and joy" and known to others as
being "happy and lively".
"The murdered girl was described by freinds and family alike as being
special. She was, said her headmaster, full of life and the pride and joy of
her parents, a happy and lively young girl."
How come it's only special pride and joy and happy and lively young girls
that get bumped off? It's never some ordinary, miserable little kid, is it?
"As her teacher, you knew the murdered girl very well. What was she like?"
"Well, to be honest, I couldn't fucking stand her. She was a right moody
little bitch and her mum and dad hated her as well. Pride and joy? I've shit
it. As for being full of life...well, getting murdered is probably the
liveliest thing she's ever done. Good riddance, I say."
And another thing...when they do catch some serial killer or someone like
that bloke who went into a school a few years ago and shot some kids, they
are always described in the same manner...
"The man was described by neighbours, colleagues, family and former school
friends as being a loner, a quiet man who kept himself to himself. A shy
person who was like a fish out of water, a sad, lonely, desperate man who
didn't like other people and had never had a girlfriend..."
Aye, that's the one. The Yorkshire Ripper, Neilson, Fred West, Thomas
Hamilton, Michael Ryan...all the fucking same. One day they'll catch a
serail killer of dozens of women, and when asked about him people will go:
"I know he killed all them women and young girls, but he was a great lad. A
cracking bloke who was always popular and had a big smile on his face.
Outgoing, lively, good with kids, great lorry driver. And shagging? Let me
tell you, he'd fuck a rolling doughnut. He could pull a nun, he could. Shame
they caught him, really, because it's my stag night next week..."
Come on, it'd spice up the boring fucking news that we have to put up with
every day of our lives.
DJ Ruckus
news:bds3qp$765$1...@titan.btinternet.com...
> Come on, it'd spice up the boring fucking news that we have to put up with
> every day of our lives.
I think your doing that single handly, quality!
M.B
Top drawer post that Arthur (whatever the fuck that means)
Autekre
> dog.
<snip>
Its the parents that piss me right off, some kid goes missing, and the
parents end up on tv going on about how much they miss them, fairenough, its
a tragedy and that, but they could at least be honest.
"yeah im sad she's gone, but she got right on my tits sometimes"
Id pay to see that.
Daniel Marsh
Dominic Yates
--
smoke crack
not iraq
dom007.co.uk
Pattrik
dominicyates@spamgoaway_hotmail.com.news:BaiMa.2591$ic4....@news-binary.blueyonder.c
o.uk...
Thacker on top form as usual
: smoke crack
: not iraq
: dom007.co.uk
Pat thought about it and said :
LOL ! Arthur !
I had to look after a canine once but I never came across any- kind of a body... So
with that are you saying that we should all get a dog we can call all our own in
order that we might go on a regular walk out and maybe come across a dead body, (on
the off chance that it might be dead)...
I haven't got the time for that palaver...
;O)
Patrik
Jimmy The Vax
cumming across his keyboard in equal measure!
"Pattrik" <P...@hatesspam.com> wrote in message
news:bdsj4s$4ea$1...@news.boltblue.com...
> "Dominic Yates"
>
dominicyates@spamgoaway_hotmail.com.news:BaiMa.2591$ic4....@news-binary.blu
Pope Pompous XVIII
--
+ His Holiness
"Blessed are the peacemakers" -- Jesus Christ
(Remove digits to reply)
"Arthur Thacker" <bu...@bung.com> wrote in message
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> ...whenever a body is found it's always by someone walking their fucking
> dog.
etc etc
Moog
on Tue, 01 Jul 2003 19:36:39 GMT:
> LOL! Laughed at every paragraph!
>
26 laughs then?
--
Moog
John Porcella
often dump/bury a body there thinking that since there is not much passing
traffic, it won't be found. The dog smells the rotting flesh and leads the
owner to the body.
--
MESSAGE ENDS.
John Porcella
John Porcella
"Autekre" <aut...@REMOVEntlworld.com> wrote in message
news:xSgMa.262$ju6....@newsfep4-glfd.server.ntli.net...
Or they cry their eyes out praying that they are found again, and then it
sometimes transpires that they did it.
Will Hay
I'd love to think you wrote these man, but you can't be this funny all the
time
My ears are hurting I'm laughing so hard.
Will
Chris F
> ...whenever a body is found it's always by someone walking their fucking
> dog. Every time.
Much, much more irritating was the story I heard about a man walking his
dog very early one winter's morning and came across a colossal bale of
weapons-grade ganja sitting in the middle of a field. Apparently some
gang of Dutch puff-purveyors had dropped it out of an aeroplane hoping
their contacts in east Anglia would collect. Our man with the dog
intervened. And what did he do on the discovery of his spectacular
prize? Phoned the police.
Why, dear merciful Lord, did *he* have to find it? Sadly it's because
anyone who might've got the slightest enjoyment from such a vast wodge
of weed wouldn't be up at the crack of dawn walking their dog.
--
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DJ Ruckus
news:be1gmv$m6c$1...@uns-a.ucl.ac.uk...
True! they would have their head in the fridge/pantry getting the munchies
whilst looking over their shoulder with a very paranoid look on their face
at the dog, not taking it for walkies...
ChuckSpears
downloaded the lot.
