Heard This One, Stu ?

[Gordon H]

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Bentley in front of his
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a
truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident
and pulled up behind the Bentley with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started
screaming hysterically about how his Bentley, which he had just
purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the
same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,"
he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the
most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left hand is missing?
It was severed when the truck hit you!"


"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.





"My Rolex!"


--
Gordon H

Remove Invalid to reply

[Stuart Bronstein]

Gordon H <Gor...@g3snx.demon.co.invalid> wrote:

> "OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.
>
> "My Rolex!"

When I heard it, it was about a BMW.

Here's one I like:

A lawyer is driving down the street and he sees a man on the side of
the road picking grass and eating it. He stops and approaches the
man.

"It's horrible that you should have to resort to eating what grass
you can find on the side of the road. Get in my car. You are eating
at my house tonight."

"Thank you kind sir. But I have a wife and children. I can't eat
with you and leave them alone."

"Well, bring them along. The more the marrier."

They got into the lawyer's car, and picked up the man's family. When
they got to the lawyer's house, the lawyer said,

"My lawn hasn't been cut in a week. Eat your fill. If you're still
hungry there's more in the back."
-----------------------------

A wealthy lawyer in town was known for not giving anything to
charitable causes. But George had just begun working for the Cancer
Society, and he was very persuasive. He thought he'd see what he
could do with the lawyer.

George approached the lawyer and said, "I work for the Cancer
Society. There are a lot of very sick and dying people in the world,
but with help, we can find the cure. Won't you donate even a small
amount?"

"You don't know me," responded the lawyer, "but there are some things
about me that you should know. First of all, my father died several
years ago, and my mother doesn't have enough income to live in a safe
home, or to eat enough so she doesn't go hungry.

"Then there's my brother. He was in a severe car accident a while
ago. He can't work and can't afford his medical bills. His family
is nearly destitute.

"And my sister has Cerebral Palsy. She gets around in a wheel chair,
but she can't work and can hardly communicate. She has huge medical
bills and has no way to pay them."

"I'm so sorry," said George. "I had no idea that your family had
such problems."

"So why should I give you anything," concluded the lawyer, "when I
don't give a penny to any of them?"

--
Stu
http://DownToEarthLawyer.com

[Stuart Bronstein]

Marc Wilson <marc$e...@cleopatra.co.uk> wrote:

> {snip lawyer jokes}

A group of 2,000 lawyers was on a cruise ship for a luxury cruise of
continuing education. Shortly into the cruise the ship was knocked off
course, and they ended up on a deserted island where there was nothing
but sand and rocks.

Eighteen months later the lawyers were finally rescued. When they
arrived home reporters were covering their arrival. A reporter asked
one lawyer, "You say you were on a deserted island with nothing but
sand and rocks. How did you survive for 18 months?"

"Oh," replied the lawyer, "were survived on the care packages dropped
every week by helecopter."

--
Stu
http://DownToEarthLawyer.com

[Gordon H]

I fold....

[Stuart Bronstein]

Gordon H <Gor...@g3snx.demon.co.invalid> wrote:

>> "Oh," replied the lawyer, "were survived on the care packages
>> dropped every week by helecopter."
>
> I fold....

It's not a lawyer joke, but comedian Imo Philips (a very odd and
funny man if you ever get the chance to see him) wrote what has been
said (by others, not him) to be the funniest religious joke of all
time:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do
it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you
believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A
Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said,
"Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said,
"Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist
or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern
Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative
Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist
Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He
said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of
1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

--
Stu
http://DownToEarthLawyer.com

[Gordon H]

On 31/05/2016 14:30, Stuart Bronstein wrote:
> Gordon H <Gor...@g3snx.demon.co.invalid> wrote:
>
>>> "Oh," replied the lawyer, "were survived on the care packages
>>> dropped every week by helecopter."
>>
>> I fold....
>
> It's not a lawyer joke, but comedian Imo Philips (a very odd and
> funny man if you ever get the chance to see him) wrote what has been
> said (by others, not him) to be the funniest religious joke of all
> time:
>

<Snip Religious joke>
Close to truth though...

I have a collection of Imo (Emo?) Phillips, loved his eccentric style.

(With apologies)
His quotes:

1. "Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up
in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or
something..."

2. "People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

3. "Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."

4. "My girl fiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I
said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'."

5. "I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady keep your purse."

6. "Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to
murder a loved one because they're the devil."

7. "I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm
going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

8. "When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've
had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..."

9. "I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."
Emo Philips.
10. "How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."

[Stuart Bronstein]

Gordon H <Gor...@g3snx.demon.co.invalid> wrote:

> Stuart Bronstein wrote:
>>
>> It's not a lawyer joke, but comedian Imo Philips (a very odd and
>> funny man if you ever get the chance to see him) wrote what has
>> been said (by others, not him) to be the funniest religious joke
>> of all time:
>>
> <Snip Religious joke>
> Close to truth though...
>
> I have a collection of Imo (Emo?) Phillips, loved his eccentric
> style.

He's a very funny man. I've seen him live more than once, and got to
meet him one time. Off stage he is a very gentle, kind, smart and
thoughtful person. I see his show whenever he is in town.

I have one friend who is a comic who does a lot of work in the UK.
She'a also very funny, but in a very different way.

Her name is Tanyalee Davis. Here's her website:

http://tanyaleedavis.com/

She's performing in Swindon tonight and tomorrow night, and Liverpool
on Saturday. The closest she's getting to Manchester this trip is
Birmingham on the 17th and 18th, and West Yorkshire on the 24th. She
actually will be in Manchester, but it's for a private corporate
event.

--
Stu
http://DownToEarthLawyer.com

[Jennifer]

"Stuart Bronstein" wrote in message
news:XnsA61B5FC25842D...@130.133.4.11...

I saw her once on breakfast telly but it was a few years ago. She's very
funny but hasn't really cracked the UK telly circuit for some reason. An
appearance on QI or Have I Got New For You and she'd be made.

Jen

[just Michèle]

Dans son message précédent, Stuart Bronstein a écrit :

-;))