Today I am mainly wearing....... SH*T
Chris Kenway
which I thought might appeal to some of you. Please keep in mind that my
friends aren't 'boaties' so I keep it a bit simple for them, read on....
Well not actually me but Mr Helpful. I now have to moderate my language as
one of my nieces (in law) has joined my news group. I will however try to
maintain some humour.
I have often been told that my humour is a bit on the 'toilet' side so I
thought "why not talk toilets" it's a bit like lets talk dirty.
Toilets are not the normal thing one would bring up in general conversation
unless you live on a narrow boat. This normally revolves around questions
like "where's the nearest sanitary station (nothing to do with ladies
depositories I am afraid)" or "where is the nearest pumpout"?
There are two types of toilets on narrow boats, a cassette type the same as
is often found on modern touring caravans (often referred to as a Porta
Poti) or a pumpout toilet which is what we have. The most common type of the
latter is known as a 'drop through' toilet, use your imagination. It's
actually very clean to use and not a bit smelly. Now about every 10 days we
have to take the boat to a pumpout station to have the tank emptied. This
involves a big tube being attached to the boat and then the toilet waste is
sucked out, not a pleasant task. This on average costs about £10, that's
about £500 a year to use the toilet!
Now we get onto the my title for today. To save money one can buy a DIY
pumpout kit. AHA now we get down to it. Well what you do is find a sanitary
station, the use of which is free, connect a thick pipe to the boat and to a
big hand pump, another soft, flat pipe, rather like a firemans hose, is
connected to the other end of the pump which is then rolled out and is
shoved down the bowl in the sanitary station. These sanitary stations are
really a normal toilet bowl like you have at home and instead of a chain to
pull you flush it with a hose pipe provided after emptying the contents of
your cassette down there. They are either in a small room or have a small
brick wall round them. So, having bought the kit and put it altogether off
we go to a sanitary station for our first, free, DIY pumpout.
We moor up and I connect it all up, roll out the flat pipe and stick it down
the bowl, return to the boat and start to pump, after a very short time you
should feel the pump 'bit' as the waste starts to go through I am told. Now
it should be kept in mind that a chemical is involved here, rather like what
is used in Porta Poti's it breaks down 'solid' matter and toilet paper so
what you end up with is, yes you have probably guessed it, liquid sh*t
(that's pooh to you, Jessica). Now these sanitary stations are normally near
locks or a special mooring, in this case it is at Braunston. Because
Braunston is the canal capital of the world everyone visits it mostly to
walk along, ask silly questions like "is that a narrow boat" or to 'bog'
through your windows to see what your boat is like. Now in this game you
always get the "You don't want to do it like that, you want to do it like
this" type of Mr Helpful.
So this guy comes along, Mr Helpful, sees what I am doing as I am pumping
away like mad waiting for it to 'bit' he follows the blue pipe along to the
sanitary station and starts looking down the bowl where my pipe is going
with the 'aim' of telling me when the muck has reached the bowl. Now what I
didn't realise is the force at which this pump works, apparently it can push
water up about 10 metres through it's 50mm pipe so we are talking a fair
pressure here. The pump 'bits' I pump like mad and then there is a scream
and Mr Helpful comes running back to me with the end if the pipe in his
hand, liquid sh*t spurting 2 metres in the air all over him and anything
else its pointed at shouting STOP PUMPING you idiot.
Apparently what had happened is the force of the muck coming out the pipe
was so much that it propelled the pipe straight out the bowl, he tried to
push it back down but the pipe being very soft and flexible was totally
uncontrollable. The result is rather like trying to hold a very slippery
snake that's intent on biting you. Well you can imagine the state of poor Mr
Helpful, there he stands covered from head to foot in horrible, smell gooey,
brown pooh, there was only one thing to do so I promptly got hold of the
water hose and turned it on him to rinse him down and then suggest he A)
sees a doctor and B) minds his own business in future. As for me, well I
have now made a wire frame up rather like you have on the waste pipe of a
washing machine so I can hook the pipe over the bowl and hold it in place.
I have also been playing around with my free space on the internet and have
partly constructed a web site of my own. It's not particularly good as it's
my first effort, if you wish to use it the address is...:
http://freespace.virgin.net/chris.kenway/Index.htm
Chris and Pat Kenway
NB Merchant
DR S NEILL
>always get the "You don't want to do it like that, you want to do it like
>this" type of Mr Helpful.
>So this guy comes along, Mr Helpful, sees what I am doing as I am pumping
>away like mad waiting for it to 'bit' he follows the blue pipe along to the
>sanitary station and starts looking down the bowl where my pipe is going
>with the 'aim' of telling me when the muck has reached the bowl. Now what I
RITCL!!! Now can you adapt it for the ones who tell you how to tie the boat
up, etc, etc, etc?
>Chris and Pat Kenway
Sean
Richard Fairhurst
> [snip]
Funnily enough...
The following is a letter from the latest 'Plane Informer', the
excellent newsletter of the Foxton Inclined Plane Trust (Middle Lock,
Gumley Road, Foxton, Mkt Harboro, Leics LE16 7RA: membership five pounds
pa).
"A trivia question for those of you who have been associated with the
Trust from the early days: What is the connection between Foxton and
TV's The Fast Show?
"Here's a clue - 'Suits you, Sir!'. Still not got it?
"At the 1983 Foxton Festival the Mikron Theatre performed 'Still
Carrying', and one of the company was a young Mark Williams. Mark is
now a household name (or at least face), having achieved fame and
fortune with such Fast Show characters and catch-phrases as 'Suits you,
Sir!' and Jesse ('this season I will be mostly wearing...').
"I recall that during the festival, Mark came to our stand and signed up
as a member. Is he still a member? Does he still have an interest in
canals? Now, should the Trust be looking for a celebrity for some
future event...
[letter signed David Heathcote]
--
| Richard Fairhurst www.systemeD.net
| The point is not to put poetry at the disposal of the revolution,
| but to put the revolution at the disposal of poetry.
M.J.Powell
He He! Just like Blaster Bates and the Cess Pit!
Mike
--
M.J.Powell
Brian L Dominic
<mi...@pickmere.demon.co.uk> had a frenetic dose of key-bashing and
wrote:
>He He! Just like Blaster Bates and the Cess Pit!
>
So you remember the 2 tons of tinted toilet tissue..........
(still trying to compose himself and see the keyboard through the
tears!)
Brian
NB "Rumpus"
http://www.proweb.co.uk/~dominicfam/rumpus.htm
E-mail me off-list at domin...@proweb.co.uk
Brian L Dominic
<chris....@virgin.net> had a frenetic dose of key-bashing and
wrote:
(Massive snip)
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!
I saw it coming half-way through............
MartinP
Brian L Dominic <nbru...@lineone.net> wrote in message
news:0HFBOGLpgMkGRt...@4ax.com...
> On Fri, 26 Nov 1999 19:35:25 -0000, "Chris Kenway"
> <chris....@virgin.net> had a frenetic dose of key-bashing and
> wrote:
>
> (Massive snip)
>
> ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!
>
> I saw it coming half-way through............
you should have known better.