A collection offered from elsewhere . . .

[Mike Smith]

I'm no good as a stand-up. I'm not joking.

I wanted to be a stand-up comedian in a wheelchair, but it didn't work out.

I thought I'd try being a stand-up artist, but I couldn't draw a crowd.

They didn't clap me on, but I was clapped out.

I am an international aged comedian. I ridicule incontinence.

They said I'm to old to be funny. That's a laugh.

They gave me a walking stick, but it kept falling over unless I helped it.

Am I the only one who has three crutches?

My lady friend tried to get me aroused. She did get me up eventually.
But she made me dress myself.

Last time we had sex was a failure.
I couldn't recall where I had put it.

She asked me whether I'd like a blow job for my 70th birthday.
I said 'Yes'.
So she gave me the party balloons to inflate.

My mobility scooter is illegal, so I've put it on a charge.

I tried to buy a Zimmer online, but I was framed.

Why don't folk laugh at me? It's no joke.

I've written a very short blues song to be sung at my funeral.
The lyrics are; 'I didn't wake up this morning.....'

I don't want to be buried or cremated. I want to be hung out to dry.
Why break the habit of a lifetime?

I want to have all of my exes at my funeral. Why not.
I was had by all of them when we divorced.

I'm old and I'm ready to go.... several times a day.
It's the prostate.

It is too late to undo wrongs at the last rites.

I had them in the palm of my hand,
but they said it was too obscene for TV