O/T: Some jokes to brighten a dull day..

[dave_h]

Totally O/T, but following are some jokes to brighten your day,
especially if it's been 'pants' like mine..

Dave

I saw this bloke chatting up a Cheetah, I thought "he's trying to
pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He
said "Eurostar?"
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He
said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said, "I'll take that as a
condiment".

Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school
bags, he's bi-satchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying
to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of
seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a
fire at the factory that makes them.

So I said, "Do you want a game of Darts?" he said, "OK then", I said,
"Nearest to bull starts". He said, "Baa". I said, "Moo", He
said, "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out
the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I
rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?"

I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a
complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said,
"Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came
up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
I said "Waiter, I asked for AROMATIC duck".

But I'm in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar
of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of Twiglets.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about
your carpets?" I thought, "That's all I need,a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a
catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom and said, "I want to report a nuisance
caller" he said, "Not you again".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example
Goran, even he's a witch.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a
barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of
terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

[Jane Willis]

<Dave H> wrote in message news:3bbdd11f...@news.demon.co.uk...

> Totally O/T, but following are some jokes to brighten your day,
> especially if it's been 'pants' like mine..

It was until now..... I thought Tommy Cooper was dead, but only he would be
able to deliver this lot!

> But I'm in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
> competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
>

Awww, how sweet, a joke all for me!

Jane

[JaKKiiG]

But I'm in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar

my thoughts exactly Jane after all the postings LOL

Jak

Ps. some were quite funny

[koduk]

Well done, Dave - that's cheered me up no end!

Ian
--
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

[Seldiy B]

"JaKKiiG" <jak...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20011005120657...@mb-bj.aol.com...

I liked the one about Kasparov passing the salt ...

SB
www.seldiy.co.uk

[shiela S]

The "Dean Martin" joke tells me that Dave is probably in the same age group
as me! I doubt whether a lot of people on here remember HIM!
Shiela S

[Mitena Haro]

Oh I do Shiela, got most of his records (vinyl)

Jayne

[JaKKiiG]

>The "Dean Martin" joke

really made me smile

jak

[Bonsaiman]

I'm not admitting to being old enough to know who Dean Martin is, but my
favourite Dean saying is "You're not drunk until you have to hold on when
lying down"
Regards
Phil

"shiela S" <word...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:9pl41a$agb$1...@newsg3.svr.pol.co.uk...