OT : one of my favourite comedians....

[Alan Fisher]

...is Tim Vine. Here's why :

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a
fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris".
He said "Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot"
I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,
he's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds
later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the
factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Weggie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?".
He said "OK then".
I said "Nearest to bull starts".
He said "Baa".
I said "Moo".
He said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night
before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it".
He said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red
rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for
a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril it
will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
carpets?".
I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller".
He said "Not you again".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
even he's a witch.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster".

[Alan Fisher]

"Andy" <andyN...@ntlworld.com> wrote in message
news:c30ekuk221jnvpa19...@4ax.com...
> On Tue, 30 Jul 2002 21:52:36 +0100, "Alan Fisher"
> <tg...@freeispshares.co.uk> wrote:
>
> LOL, Mr Fisher nice to see ya again, are you in gainful employment
> again? You mentioned something about a job whilst giving your excuses
> for not being sunday quizmaster after you won the quiz!
>

Got an interview next Tuesday mate. If I'm successful, I'll be getting the
job, status and wage I had a shade over ten years ago. Yes I know all about
considering the positive aspects etc. Still, it's hard to feel exultant
about that.

Check yer mail, mate, I've just buzzed you a question...........?

Cheers AF