Choosing a new bathing suit
Dimple Cubb-Baggins
Choosing a New Bathing Suit
Apparently this is a true e-mail that a woman wrote to her friend
after
shopping for a bathing suit. I have just been through the annual
pilgrimage
of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit. When I
was a
child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for a woman with a mature
figure was
designed for a woman with a mature figure - boned, trussed and
reinforced,
not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and
uplift
and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-pubescent girl with
a
figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice she
can
either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit
with a
skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from
Disney's
Fantasia or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department
store
trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer
range of
fluorescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice
and
entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first
thing
I noticed was the extra-ordinary tensile strength of the stretch
material.
The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA
to
launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that
if
you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from
shark
attacks. The reason for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your
passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder
strap
in place, I gasped in horror - my bosom had disappeared! Eventually, I
found
one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the
other.
At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is
that
modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to
wear
her bosom across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed
bump and
lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing
suit
fitted all right, but unfortunately, it only fitted those bits of me
willing
to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top,
bottom,
and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized
cling
wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come
from, the
pre-pubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtains, "Oh
there you
are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so
sure
and asked what else she had to show me.
I tired on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of
masking
tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized
napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin
bathers
with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane pregnant
with
triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish
in
mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I
thought
I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fitted...a two piece affair with shorts
style
bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and
bulge
friendly, so I bought it.
When I got home, I read the label which said "Material may become
transparent in water." I'm determined to wear it anyway...I'll just
have to
learn to do the breast stroke in the sand.
Anita Carter
--
Take care
Anita
"Dimple Cubb-Baggins" <ms...@ix.netcom.com> wrote in message
news:a6lq01$fbeeo$1...@ID-42374.news.dfncis.de...
Dimple Cubb-Baggins
"Anita Carter" <ronita...@cheerful.com> wrote in message
news:a6lqkt$fg8l5$1...@ID-125170.news.dfncis.de...
: That is oh so good Joyce - roflmho - I loved it!!
: --
: Take care
: Anita
I've given up on bathing suits...I just buy a colorful tent!
Hugs.
Joyce
Jackie
--
Jackie
Sweetpea Bumbleroot of Fair Down
"Dimple Cubb-Baggins" <ms...@ix.netcom.com> wrote in message
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Bagpuss
Jackie <jack...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:a6lrqf$ffo4n$1...@ID-115681.news.dfncis.de...
> I love that Joyce,all sounds very familiar!!! <bg>
And that reminds me... I got new dookers a couple of weeks ago and I haven't
tried it on yet.
(A bargain it was ... on Asda petrol coupons!) It's a real boobchoob. :-))
The last one I had was a right pain in the jacuzzi .... the bubbles really
inflated the frontage or as my chum said 'cor, poached eggs to melons in
only 10 seconds'!!
Bagpuss
Bill P
It's getting interesting in here.
--
Bill P
Sometimes known as Bill Payer
http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/w.percival
--
"Bagpuss" <bag...@doglovers.com> wrote in message
news:a6lsrn$fhoeb$1...@ID-115678.news.dfncis.de...
Jackie
neccessaries!!! I'm having a good giggle here.
--
Jackie
Sweetpea Bumbleroot of Fair Down
"Bagpuss" <bag...@doglovers.com> wrote in message
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>
Jackie
--
Jackie
Sweetpea Bumbleroot of Fair Down
http://spamcop.net
"Bill P" <bill...@myhome.net> wrote in message
news:a6lti6$f4c6a$1...@ID-115533.news.dfncis.de...
Dimple Cubb-Baggins
: Jackie <jack...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
:Oh ! Mine does that too! A regular water fountain it is!
I tried putting a hanky in there, but the water in the Jacuzzi blew it
out.
Did I ever tell you about the time I fell asleep in the Jacuzzi?
Hug.
Joyce
biffo
haven't
> tried it on yet.
> (A bargain it was ... on Asda petrol coupons!) It's a real boobchoob.
:-))
> The last one I had was a right pain in the jacuzzi .... the bubbles really
> inflated the frontage or as my chum said 'cor, poached eggs to melons in
> only 10 seconds'!!
> Bagpuss
>
>
them, and melons love um, spit the seeds all over the place ;-0)
--
ßîffø²°°²
Õ Õ
(°¿°)
http://www.abchood.com/sparks
Rabbit
"Dimple Cubb-Baggins" <ms...@ix.netcom.com> wrote in message
news:a6lq01$fbeeo$1...@ID-42374.news.dfncis.de...
:
:
: Choosing a New Bathing Suit
Oh yes, Joyce been there, done that, bought the swimsuit,
which is still hiding at the back of a drawer :-)
--
Sandra.
People will forget what you said.
People will forget what you did, but
People will never forget how you made them feel.
http://spamcop.net/
biffo
> : Choosing a New Bathing Suit
>
> Oh yes, Joyce been there, done that, bought the swimsuit,
> which is still hiding at the back of a drawer :-)
>
> --
> Sandra.
Softie !!!!!!!!! ;-()))))))))