Laugh, I nearly died! (Jokes List)
Tony Blews
Version 2.1
(17th August 1998)
compiled by The Masked Moose, maske...@mindless.com
from posts on alt.gothic and uk.people.gothic
(New name, new email, same tired old git).
This list is posted to alt.gothic and uk.people.gothic every few
months.
The web page version can be got at
http://members.tripod.com/~maskedmoose/gothjoke/
We need new jokes!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q.What do you call a goth toilet?
A."Bowelhaus"
What do you call a goth lying in the road?
A speed bump.
How does Andrew Eldritch screw in a lightbulb?
He holds it into the socket and waits for the world to revolve round
him.
How does a lead singer screw in a lightbulb?
He doesn't, he screws in a jacuzzi.
What does an electric guitar and a vacuum cleaner have in common?
They both suck when you plug them in.
Two vampire bats are sitting in a cave feeling hungry. There's no food
about
and both are starving. One tells the other that he's had enough and is
going out to look for food. He returns 15 minutes later with rich red
blood
all over his mouth. His friend is amazed and says "where did you get
that?". The other bat takes him over to the mouth of the cave and,
looking
out over the fields asks his friend "Do you see that big old oak tree
over
there?".
"yes" replies his friend.
"Well I didn't !!!"
Two goths are walking down the road, one says "I just bought the new
Love Like
Blood CD."
The other says "F_ck me, a talking goth!"
How do you get a goth out of a tree?
Cut the rope!
Theres a goth walking down the road with a rat on his shoulder. An old
lady
walks past, stops, stares at the two and says "Yeuk! What are you
doing with
that revolting creature?"
"Squeak squeak squeak!" says the rat.
What do you store your heavy velvet cape in for the summer?
Goth balls.
Why is it so hard for goths to get work?
Because all they can do is mope the floors are depress the buttons.
What did the vampire say when he looked in the mirror?
"So nice not to see you again"
Wayne Hussey dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, he meets
up with
Gabriel who gives him the grand tour of heaven.
While toruing he sees many familiar faces including Jimi Hendrix, Ian
Curtis,
Mary Shelly, and of course Nick Fiend kinda shows up once in a
while...
And then he sees Andrew Eldritch Sitting on a HUUUGE throne..
Wayne Says to Gabriel "I didn't know Andrew was dead!"
Gabriel replies, "Oh, that's God(tm) He only thinks he's Andrew"
What's another name for a gothgirl?
A Crow-ho.
What do goths buy at the liquor store when they don't have much cash?
Crow-Magnums.
"Waiter! Waiter! There's a dead squid in my soup!"
"It's not dead Sir, it's just dreaming."
What do you get when you cross Lee Iococca with a vampire?
AUTOEXEC.BAT
How many casuals does it take to make a hamburger?
Who cares, just think of all the fun we could have putting them
through
the mincer to find out!
How many "New Kids on the Block" does it take to paint a wall red?
Only one if you throw it hard enough.
How many fratboys does it take to wallpaper a room?
That depends on how thinly you slice them.
How many goths does it take to make cheesecake?
None, there are no goths in cheesecake.
Old goths don't die, they just need less makeup.
Two goths are having sex. (Strange, I know, but true.) Suddenly, the
girl
goth comes.
"Darling, darling!" says the boy goth, "what's wrong?"
"Nothing," says the girl goth, "nothing at all. Why?"
"You moved."
Why did the goth cross the road?
It didn't, it was dead.
What's black and sits in the corner?
A dead baby goth.
What's black and knocks on the window?
A goth in a microwave.
"He's *such* a *goth* ..."
"How *much* of a goth *is* he?"
"... that when he hangs around the house ... he *hangs* around the
house!"
"Say, who was that *goth* I saw you with last night?"
"*That* was no *goth*! I'm a *necrophiliac*!"
What happens if you don't pay the exorcist?
You get repossessed.
How does a perkygoff paint his ceiling black?
He dyes his hair and starts bouncing.
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
What's a lightbulb?
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three, oneto change it and two to talk about Lord Byron's Grand Tour
and
creative uses of laudinum in a metaphysical environment.
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, but one has to light the candle.
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they'd rather sit in the dark and cry.
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just embrace the darkness.
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to replace the UV tube, and one to put Floodland on.
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
<sneer>, we have candles.
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the lights wouldn't be one anyway.
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it for a purple bulb and one to plug the smoke
machine in.
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to change the bulb, five to scream "Turn that bloody light
off!"
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Dunno, but I see them all practicing at Slimelight, while dancing to
the
Sisters. The raise their arms in a stretching way towards the ceiling,
twisting their wrists and returning their arm to their mid-rift, while
walking
backwards and swaying in the murky darkness.
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to do it, the other to bitch about how Andrew Eldritch could
have done
it better.
How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and another to curse the first for
putting a glare
on the terminal screen while the second was reading alt.gothic.
How many goths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. (or more depending on your preference) I don't know how they fit
in
there, though!
How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they prefer their bulbs dead.
What do you get if you cross a goth and a toilet?
The cisterns of mercy.
It was dark and late. The wind howled, the bed covers rustled,
the alcohol still surged through my veins and, as often occurs
after a nights solid drinking, my bladder was bursting.
Crashing clumsily through corridors, clutched at by hidden
arms and watched by shadowy forms I headed determindly
towards the toilet.
Hitting the light switch caused an explosion of light and
colour. Peering (as I fumbled with my trousers with drunken
fingers) into the toilet bowl I was suddenly repelled by the
sight of an horrific twisted grimacing face.
As I ran screaming from the room I suddenly realised:
Loo creature, my reflection.
Andrew Eldritch, Carl McCoy and Wayne Hussey are in involved in
completely
co-incidental but highly suspicious accidents, and find themselves
together
in the queue outside the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks off their
names and
ushers them through to the bar, where he tells them to wait for their
eternal judgement to be
visited upon them. They decide to put any differences that they have
had in
the past behind them, seeing as they're dead, and Eldritch buys the
first
round.
They've just finished their drinks, when an omnipotent-sounding voice
booms
over the unobtrusive speaker system; ' Andrew Eldritch to room 214!'
McCoy and Hussey are both curious as to what fate awaits him in the
afterlife, so they follow Eldritch along the labyrinth of corridors
until
they come to his assigned door. The door opens, and to their disgust
reveals an ancient wrinkled hag, spittle drooling over her hairy chin,
draping her varicosed and sagging form over a large bed. Once more,
the
voice;
'Eldritch, in punishment for your life of sin, you are condemned to
make
love to this woman for all eternity.'
The hag, leaping from the bed, grabs Eldritch and the door swings to
behind
him, so deadening his terrified screams for mercy.
McCoy and Hussey, somewhat shaken, return to the bar, and order
another
round of drinks. No sooner have they finished, then the voice summons
Mr
McCoy. Hussey agrees to go with him along the corridors once more, to
offer
him support in his hour of judgement. Once more, they reach the
looming,
solid doorway, once more it opens to reveal a hideous creature (female
judging from its pock-marked, pendulous breasts, but covered in thick
wiry
hair, through which lice crawled freely). The room stank of rotting
fish.
Once more the voice; '
Carl McCoy, for in punishment for your life of sin, you are condemned
to
make love to this woman for all eternity.'
And once more the door, solid, unyielding, closed shut on the man
being
dragged to his doom.
Hussey is now terrified. What hideous fate awaits him? He returns to
the
bar, and after downing several large whiskeys, falls to his knees, in
prayer and repentance. Eventually, the voice calls out his name, and
he
walks, trembling, to his doom. At the end of the corridor, the door
swings
slowly open, and there, lying on a large bed covered with soft velvet
sheets, is Winona Ryder, her raven hair tousled around her alabaster
face,
her slender body covered in shiny latex. Wayne is about to call out in
joy,
praising God for his mercy, when the voice booms out once more, cold,
all-powerful;
'Winona Ryder, for your life of sin...'
This is a story about a friend of mine called Alan. I went to school
with
Alan many years ago, but i haven't seen him much since. Ocassionally
when i'm back home i'll go for a drink with him, but he's a different
person now. He's (SHOCK) domesticated. Since he's got married and
had offspring he's become quite boring and taken to wearing anoraks,
smart trousers and walking shoes. If you were to see him waiting for a
train, you'd think he was a trainspotter (he is, but thats not the
point).
One day, back in 1990 I think, Alan was visiting his friends in Leeds.
He
was walking to his friends house from the station when he saw this
short guy in sunglasses walking the other way. Andrew Eldritch. Alan
stops this him and asks him to sign the back of his rail ticket (the
only
piece of paper he had) and chats for a while. He couldn't believe what
a
nice guy he really was. After about 5 five minutes, Eldritch has to go
so
they part. And thats where it should have ended.
About 2 weeks later Alan is back in Preston, taking his kid for a
walk,
when a white Mercedez pulls up at the kerb. The driver winds his
window down to ask for directions, and its Eldritch. They chat for a
while and Eldritch drives off.
The week after, Alan is doing his weekly shopping in Tescos when he
sees Eldritch in the next isle. Andrew was dressed in sensible walking
shoes, smart trousers and one of those anoraks that German tourists
get murdered in. Just like Alan. Alan thinks this is getting a bit
spooky
and leaves the shop as soon as possible.
That night Alan left the house to get some cigarettes, his wife was
out
with her sister, and his mother was babysitting the brat. Getting back
from the shops he sees this figure crouched in the garden. He tries to
sneak past but the figure notices him and leaps out at him. The
sunglasses. Its Eldritch again. By this time, Alan is utterly paranoid
about the Living Goth King, and tells him to go away and stop
bothering
him.
Eldritch pulls a knife and starts crying.
"I thought we could be friends, but you're just like the others. Only
interested in my music! What is it? Is it that wife of yours keeping
us
apart? I'll kill her for you, and all the others!"
He then passes out from severe intoxication, and Alan drags him
inside.
An hour and 8 cups of coffee later Alan and Andrew sit face to face in
Alan's kitchen. Well not face to face exactly. Andrew was wearing the
cover of the Vision Thing over his head, with a Marlboro sticking out
of
the centre of eye.
"I don't understand it," say Eldritch, "I though we could be friends.
Its
so difficult being famous, I just wanted to talk to someone."
Alan asks him politely to sod off and don't come back. Andrew leaves,
bowed, still wearing the album cover.
Three months pass. Alan has a new job working in a peanut packaging
plant. The boss comes up to him one day and introduces a new trainee,
a bearded scot going by the name of Jack Taylor. So Alan shows him
the ropes and they get on well for a few hours. Then just before
packing
in time, Jack corners Alan in the loading bay, and rips off his fake
beard.
"I don't exist when you don't see me!" he cries. Alan legs it out of
the
plant shouting "F_ck off and leave me alone Andrew Eldritch!" much to
the confusion of his workmates.
And that was the end of it.
Last year, I was visiting Alan, and while I was there a bloke from the
gas board came round to check for leaks. He was a young asian, maybe
23 years old. As he was messing with the meter he starting whistling
"Detonation Boulevard". A look of madness filled Alan's eyes, he
grabbed an empty milk bottle and smashed the lad over the head. The
lad took to his heels and legged it out of the house screaming, with
blood pouring from his head.
"What the f_ck did you do that for?" I asked.
Alan looked blankly at me.
"Sorry, I thought it was Andrew Eldritch."
How many Marylin Manson fans does it take to change a lightbulb.
3; one to change it, one to say Marylin Manson is really gothic and
one
to ask who the Neffilim are.
There's these three goths.A mopey goth. A perkey goth on Prozac. And
a
Perkey Goth who isn't on Prozac. They go into the Goth club and the
Mopey
goth says I'm going to sit in the corner all night and cry. The
perkey
Goth on Prozac says I'm going to dance and drink and drink and dance
and
drink and dance and dance and dance and drink and cop and dance and
drink
and etc. And the Perkey Goth who isn't on Prozac says "I don't know
what
I'm going to do 'cos I don't exist"
Policeman: You seem to have run over this Goth sir.
Driver: Oo. I couldn't see him. He was wearing black officer.
Policeman: Come to the station in the morning to collect you reward
sir.
Policeman: You seem to have run over this Goth sir.
Driver: Oo. I couldn't see him he was wearing a bright blue
dress, an
electric pink feather boa and orange hair. erm er....
Policeman: Come to the station in the morning to collect your reward
sir.
These two Goths are, like, driving through Wales in their Volvo when
they
see a little white fluffy sheep on the hillside. The first Goth asks
"Are you gonna **** that sheep?" and the second says "Nah. You know I
wouldn't be seen dead in white."
What brand of kitchen appliance do Goths use?
Mopey Richards!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jokes contributed by:
mac...@cabell.vcu.edu (Jennifer A. Knipper),
r-po...@nwu.edu, ja...@sable.adelphi.edu (Doktor Fautus),
mcke...@netcomm.com (Weasel Boy), ste...@io.org (Steve Benesko),
va...@gothic.acs.csulb.edu (VampLestat), ead...@ns.cencom.net,
kl...@fermi.clas.Virginia.EDU (Kristin Leigh Adolfson),
gastl...@aol.com (Gastlycrum), dex...@geeklove.jammys.net
tr...@columbia.edu (R Serling), hel...@earth.execpc.com (Peter
Coffin),
to...@olorin.demon.co.uk (Tony Blews), sex...@batt.demon.co.uk
(Sexbat),
hu...@gla.ecoledoc.ibp.fr (Nicholas Huet), kt...@u.washington.edu
(Katrina Hunt).
aza...@dudael.equinox.gen.nz (Dillon Burke),
m...@chemeng.chmt.wits.ac.za, kayl...@mono.city.ac.uk,
kgge...@miavx1.acs.muohio.edu (Wendy Wanders, Subject 117)
f...@thingy.apana.org.au (David
Gerard),cm5...@scitsc.wlv.ac.uk(L.Armstrong)
bro...@ilf.uio.no, p...@dominion.inka.de,s...@maths.ox.ac.uk,
mixaf...@aol.com (MixAftHack), Tom
Fosdick(t...@midnight.karoo.co.uk)
and "nicename"
If your name isn't here, and you contributed a joke, then email
maske...@mindless.com and say so!
Also, if you want to be identified with a joke you've contributed,
then send me an email.
--
Tony Blews (to...@olorin.demon.co.uk)
"The sooner you realise i'm perfectly happy,
When I'm left to decide the company I choose."
Sleepycat
(Tony Blews) wrote:
> Andrew Eldritch, Carl McCoy and Wayne Hussey are in involved in
> completely
> co-incidental but highly suspicious accidents, and find themselves
> together
> in the queue outside the Pearly Gates.
[snip rest]
*applause*
--
+ Kevin J. Bonham (Sleepycat) + CaffinGothCode98:AUiKba5baWaaaaaaHbaa87NwA
WYLPj_fobyhjsi11deaGa2e7fab5aaeaNtnemgqDaaGcbjAbb4GObrNbSbYLzFaaaaablauTAS
"And the moral of this story is never lean on the weird. Or they will chop
your head off. And perverts will eat your brains." - Hunter S. Thompson +
Karl Renar
Tony Blews wrote in message <35f4263...@news.demon.co.uk>...
> The Gothic Jokes List
> Version 2.1
> (17th August 1998)
>
>
How about -
What do you get if you cross a Goth with toilet paper?
Andrex Eldritch
Karl F. Renar
http://freespace.virgin.net/karl.renar9/main.htm
Tony Blews
<karl....@virgin.net> wrote:
>
>Tony Blews wrote in message <35f4263...@news.demon.co.uk>...
>> The Gothic Jokes List
>> Version 2.1
>> (17th August 1998)
>>
>>We need new jokes!
>>
>How about -
>
>What do you get if you cross a Goth with toilet paper?
>Andrex Eldritch
You just made the list.
cry4...@my-dejanews.com
k_bo...@postoffice.utas.edu.au (Sleepycat) wrote:
> In article <35f4263...@news.demon.co.uk>, to...@olorin.demon.co.uk.
> (Tony Blews) wrote:
>
> >
> > together
> >
> [snip rest]
>
> *applause*
who'da thunk it? Can I be the creamy filling in that cookie?
-=CRY4DAWN=-
OOOooopppps...
(couldn't pass that one up)
>
> --
> + Kevin J. Bonham (Sleepycat) + CaffinGothCode98:AUiKba5baWaaaaaaHbaa87NwA
> WYLPj_fobyhjsi11deaGa2e7fab5aaeaNtnemgqDaaGcbjAbb4GObrNbSbYLzFaaaaablauTAS
> "And the moral of this story is never lean on the weird. Or they will chop
> your head off. And perverts will eat your brains." - Hunter S. Thompson +
>
-----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==-----
http://www.dejanews.com/rg_mkgrp.xp Create Your Own Free Member Forum
Alexander
>We need new jokes!
Heard a good one the other day.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Sisters Of Mercy with
UltraViolence?
A: Hardcore Mother Russia.
--
~Alexander : Caution - Extremely Volatile.
The Facts: http://www.alexander.darkwave.org.uk/
Politics: Poli (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites)
cerr...@twisted.org.uk
<alex...@twisted.org.uk> writes
>Q: What do you get when you cross the Sisters Of Mercy with
> UltraViolence?
>
>A: Hardcore Mother Russia.
Alexander, that was limp. <groan>
Here's one you might find amusing ...
A guy was walking through a deep forest in China one day, and as evening
drew nearer he realised he had no idea where he was, or how to get back
to civilisation.
Wandering aimlessly on he eventually seen a glint of light through the
trees and walked towards it, to find himself outside a small cottage
hidden from view in a small glade.
Feeling rather silly he knocked on the door, which was opened by an
ancient chinese man and asked to be put up for the night.
The ancient man agreed to let him stay in his cottage if he swore not to
lay a finger on his daughter, promising to submit him to the 3 worst
chinese tortures should he do so.
The man agreed, thinking that by the age of the chinese guy his daughter
must be an old woman anyway and went inside.
After preparing himself for dinner he went downstairs and was seated at
the dinner table, in walked the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in
his life and started serving his food.
Cursing his foolishness the man resolved to find a way to bed this
wonderful woman and later that night when her father was (supposedly)
asleep he creot into her bedroom and there spent the most enjoyable
night of passion in her embrace and crept back to his own room as the
sun rose.
Waking later that morning he felt a heavy pressure on his chest.
Opening his eyes he seen there was a large boulder sitting there with a
note attached to it, which read 'chinese torture number one: heavy
boulder on chest'.
Tearing the note off, he laughed to himself and thought 'huh, is that
the best they can do'.
Chuckling to himself he picked up the boulder and threw it out of the
window.
As it started falling he seen another note attached to a piece of string
which read 'chinese torture number 2: boulder attached to left testicle.
Feeling a little more worried now he decided his chances would be better
were he to jump out of the wondow after the boulder, as the drop to the
ground below wasn't that large.
He jumped out of the window and started falling towards the ground, and
just as he started thinking 'ha, beat them' and feeling sure of himself
he seen one last note attached to the boulder which read 'chinese
torture number 3: right testicle attached to bedpost'.
And screamed loudly.
Cerridwen