** UX FAQ - Please Read Before Posting. (small S6/7 spoilers)
Caroline Smith
Episode 59 of the incredibly sycophantic, all-lovin’, all-praisin’, all
California raisin’ UX FAQ. Come on down to the Temple of X-Files Worship.
All FAQ, written by a red-blooded, fully paid up member of the X-Philes
club. Only she had to take the week off so sorry, you’re left with me.
Wah!
This highly exclusive FAQ will soon be available at:
web.ukonline.co.uk/gutter the all-new, totally, updated, spiffy little
"NEW!" graphics R Us, piccies back on there, site o'pleasure. Run, don't
walk! But watch out for the puddle of oil just ther... oops.
Nettiquette, Netty'ee'ket
The art of not pissing off newsgroups by reading the Frequently Asked
Questions before asking a question that has already been answered a
thousand times in the last couple of days.
In other words, it's only polite to read through this before leaping in
with a question and do not be irked if people point you in the direction of
the FAQ as opposed to answering your very important (but possibly asked and
answered 300+ times already) query. And no, I don't give a good goddamn if
posts are on topic or off, I'm the *last* person to be stamping feet about
that, this is just here to try and be helpful so any posts/mails implying
the contrary will probably be ignored but only after we've had a good laugh
at them.
Brand new, spanking and quite possibly out of date in a matter of minutes,
version of the now legendary/infamous UX FAQ. Up to date as of April 26th
2000…
1. Season 7 Stateside has been going on for a while now and is slowly but
surely dragging its mediocre little ass towards it’s no doubt stunning
conclusion. Nothing new aired this week but next Sunday sees the premiere
of Duchovny’s laff-fest (with a very naff-fest print ad) writing/directing
double whammy Hollywood A.D. The script for this has been online for a
while and is highly amusing, nice ‘n’ shippy, great Tofurkey gag and a
three way bath. And Scully’s showin’ a bit of leg in one of the publicity
shots. Roll on Sunday.
2. Season 7 has kicked off on Sky. We’re now all the way up to <counts on
fingers and looks vague for several hours> I dunno - Orison? Yep, should
be. Donnie Pfaster making a comeback in an ep that’s nowhere near as good
as Irresistible and features nasty slippers. Now *that’s* scary.
3. The BBC are Shit. And getting progressively Shitter. Their current
explanation for the removal of TXF from their schedule follows. With added
translations...
> In order to keep our weeknight schedules lively and interesting for all
our viewers we have > decided to make some changes to Wednesday nights on
BBC ONE.
No one was watching The X-Files in its weekly, late night death slot. Funny
that, because, before we got our idiotic hands on it, quite a lot of people
were regularly tuning in.
> With ongoing series such as 'The X Files', which is 20 episodes in all,
we often take breaks > at specific points in order to provide a greater
choice in our programme output.
With ongoing, American, SF series...Well, who gives a shit really huh? Some
greasy geeks who need to get out more. No, Harbour Lights is not an ongoing
series. It's an ongoing piece of shite with that blander than a stick of
chalk pillock Nick Berry. So there. And we will repeat ongoing piece of
shite in a suitably late, BBC1 slot. But no, we couldn’t stick TXF on
there.
> To diversify our schedules during the coming spring season,
To appeal to that all important, lower than average intelligence, Joe
Public factor...
> Wednesday evenings will see a rich mixture of feature films, home-grown
series and groundbreaking documentaries over the next few weeks.
This week will feature such amazing home-grown fare as Castaway - Toffs!
Arguing! - 2000, Alistair - who the f*ck are you?! - McGowan’s Big
Impression (so big it’ll last approx. 3 weeks) and Alan Hansen drooling
over foreign football players in tight white shorts in a show so shite Sky
Sports 8.5 wouldn’t screen it in a 5am slot. THANK YOU, THANK YOU for
making me pay my license fee for this. No, we will not consider putting The
X-Files back on BBC2, that would just be silly wouldn't it now? We would
rather screen a crapper than average UK series than a rather good American
one. Because we can.
> We understand that the decision will not be popular with fans of 'The X
Files'
And we don't give a shit.
> but as a public service broadcaster, we have to cater for the wide and
varied tastes of all our viewers.
Except X-Files fans. Or SF fans in general. Or those who enjoy watching
quality drama series from the States. They should be more patriotic damn
them.
> In doing so, we cannot always commit prime time slots to one programme
for an extended > period.
Yes, we do consider 10.30pm to be a prime time slot. There are many many
people watching at that time. Course, they're all watching Ali G on C4, but
that doesn't mean we can't still compete...<Dying Corporation holds hand
out for more payouts and an increased license fee...>
4. Is S6 going to be shown in "widescreen"? No. Because it's not going to
be shown at all for a long long time.
5. Still no word on any S8 decision. The finale will start shooting rather
soon in the USA so it's all getting a bit silly now. The latest word is a
decision will not be made until the show is on hiatus which means the
finale will be filmed and aired with the future of the show still up in the
air. This can only be bad news.
6. NTSC videos - that's videos recorded in the *USA* will not. I repeat.
WILL NOT play on a normal Euro/Aussie PAL VCR. However, most recently
purchased decent PAL VCR's these days come with NTSC compatibility. These
are now commonly available this side of the pond and cost no more than a
non-NTSC one. There are ways of converting the formats but these remain
mysterious at best and require a Ł100,000,000 widget, taping to tape sans
widget doesn't work. Anything more technical than that can be found on
alt.arse.fiddlybits and not on this FAQ, sorry. Vids that convert from NTSC
are retailing at about Ł500...
7. The very best, cheapest way to get episodes of S7 on tape in a PAL or
NTSC format is to contact these people: east...@activecom.net. Eastlant
Sci Fi Group are a rather fab, fan-run organisation who, for a good while
now, have been providing copies of US shows to fans all over the world. For
the price of a tape and P&P (approx $10/Ł6) they will squeeze on as many
eps as they can (4 per tape PAL) and mail it out to you priority air mail.
Completely and utterly reliable, completely and utterly non-profit with a
huge archive of shows. Contact them for more details. And please, don't
forget to say thanks.
8. Box Sets Schmee Box Sets. Is there anything left to say about these
bloody things that hasn't already been said a million times? Oh yes, there
really does seem to be an *awful* lot of mileage in these damn things. Get
over them already, it's really time to move on. Just in case, and as some
kind of perverse self-defeating exercise for me: Season One box sets are
rare. Expect to pay a small fortune to obtain one at the moment. Season 2,
Season 3, Season 4 (watch out for dodgy copies of this one) and Season 5
are all obtainable if you're really interested. Follow this simple
three-step programme:
1. Check the reader's ads in SFX and haggle.
2. Try http://www.mvm-uk.co.uk/ online where S2, 3 and 4 sets have been
spotted OR at http://www.blackstar.co.uk/ which has sold a goodly number.
3. Have a brain cell and check out the obvious shops - VIDEO shops are
always a good place to start, Sci Fi shops are also likely to be good bets.
9. Box set pricing queries. S1 can sell for anything up to (and possibly
slightly above) Ł300. A more realistic asking price is around half of that.
S2, probably Ł100-120. Some HMV stores are selling off S3/4 and 5 box sets
for Ł49.99 each, striking while the offer is hot would be advisable,
laughing at the "limited edition, buy now, before it's too late" initial
selling tactics from Fox is allowed.
10. Sein und Zeit/Closure the Samantha resolution which is utterly not
worth owning on video is now out on video. Saving your money would seem to
be the pertinent option. The S6 box set is now in the shops and is not
widescreen. Shop around on and offline for a decent price cos there are
some variations it would seem. S1 on DVD is nigh and is said to feature all
the eps and deleted scenes blah blah blah. Not sure of a date. Anyone in
the know, please mail.
11. No we do not have a date for S7 in a box set.
12. The House of Mirth (if you don't know why that's significant - go play
elsewhere!). Well, no one seems to know now what’s going on with this. It’s
not being featured at Cannes, a decision which seems to have baffled a lot
of people including its production company. The last release date I saw
bandied around was “later this year.” Stay tuned...
13. Playing By Heart has snuck its way onto video. Levenshulme Blockbuster
has a couple of copies, chances are, your local will too. Well worth
catching for GA alone, Angelina Jolie is an added bonus, and the film is
split into handy segments so you can fast forward through all the naff
bits. Watch out for the toothpaste snogging of pleasure...
14. Duchovny's new movie Return to Me has premiered in the States. No
release date has been set for over here but it’s done ok Stateside so
*should* get a cinema release this side of the pond.
15. People ask about conventions and get-togethers and then when one is
mentioned no bugger bats an eyelid. There are still plans for a Season
Finale Piss-Up in London, late May. Video screenings, lots of booze, the
opportunity to make a complete prat of yourself in front of people you've
never met before. Resistance is Futile. If you're interested, please yell
in the general direction of the good lady Jules: jul...@btinternet.com If
no one is interested then never ever whinge on here that no one plans
anything for fans of the show.
16. Season 7 rumour of the week: The final episode this season will only be
broadcast to those homes that shelter the True Philes. Before the episode
airs, a touch screen TV quiz will appear and here at the FAQ we’ve managed
to sneak a look at a few of the proposed questions...
1. Do you think Chris Carter is a) The Messiah. b) A daft surfer prat who
got lucky with a hit TV show. c) A daft surfer prat who got lucky with a
hit TV show who also has bad hair.
2. If someone asked you to fastforward through the opening credits of TXF
would you a) Hit them over the head, gasp with horror, grab the remote
control and batter them to death with it. b) Hit fast forward with
pleasure. c) Hit fast forward, whip through the opening scene of the
Smoking Man babbling and only stop when Scully makes an appearance in a
buff pair of scrubs.
3. Have you ever, *ever* cut up a copy of the Official Magazine? a) No.
OHMIGOD, don’t you know those are collectors items?! b) Yeah, all the time
for the pictures. I bin the rest. c) There’s an Official Magazine?
4. What was the name of the dog in Teso Dos Bichos? a) Sugar. b) Life’s too
fucking short for this. c) Life’s too fucking short for this and don’t call
me Sugar.
5. In a house fire what would you save first, your treasured stack of XF
tapes or your mother? a) The Tapes. b) My kitten. c) My stash of Fan Fic.
Start revising... or not.
17. The Mystery of the On-Topic Threads...
Who needs on-topicness? Actually, looking around the group at present, it
would seem we do. <sigh>
ADBB,
Caroline.
--
"How the hell did I get out of my clothes and into bed?"
Scully - En Ami
Oh, what she doesn't know, ain't gonna hurt her... <g>
Absolutely no answers whatsoever to be found at:
http://web.ukonline.co.uk/gutter