This made me smile.

[Mike Swift]

You've probably seen this but my wife was sent this by a friend, very
apt for those of us of advancing years.

We're still battling COVID-19 and the next thing is here already

The NILE Virus, type C

Virologists have identified a new Nile virus - type C.

It appears to target those who were born between 1940 & 1970
Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same message twice.

2. Causes you to send a blank message

3. Causes you to send a message to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished.

7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND.

8. Causes you to SEND when you should DELETE.

It is called the C-NILE virus!

And if you can’t admit to doing the above, you’ve obviously caught
the mutated strain —

The D-NILE virus.

Mike
--
Michael Swift We do not regard Englishmen as foreigners.
Kirkheaton We look on them only as rather mad Norwegians.
Yorkshire Halvard Lange

[Jim S]

In article <$dFfCUAq...@ntlworld.com>, mike....@yeton.co.uk
says...

>
> You've probably seen this but my wife was sent this by a friend, very
> apt for those of us of advancing years.
>
> We're still battling COVID-19 and the next thing is here already
>
> The NILE Virus, type C
>
> Virologists have identified a new Nile virus - type C.
>
> It appears to target those who were born between 1940 & 1970
> Symptoms:
>
> 1. Causes you to send the same message twice.
>
> 2. Causes you to send a blank message
>
> 3. Causes you to send a message to the wrong person.
>
> 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
>
> 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
>
> 6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished.
>
> 7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND.
>
> 8. Causes you to SEND when you should DELETE.
>
> It is called the C-NILE virus!
>

> And if you can?t admit to doing the above, you?ve obviously caught
> the mutated strain ?
>
> The D-NILE virus.
>
> Mike

Nice ;)

--
Jim S

[DaveG]

+1 :-)

--
ad astra tabernamque

Don't feed the trolls. You might catch something nasty.

[Indy Jess John]

On 16/03/2021 01:14, Mike Swift wrote:
> You've probably seen this but my wife was sent this by a friend, very
> apt for those of us of advancing years.
>
> We're still battling COVID-19 and the next thing is here already
>
> The NILE Virus, type C
>
> Virologists have identified a new Nile virus - type C.
>

> It appears to target those who were born between 1940& 1970

> Symptoms:
>
> 1. Causes you to send the same message twice.
>
> 2. Causes you to send a blank message
>
> 3. Causes you to send a message to the wrong person.
>
> 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
>
> 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
>
> 6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished.
>
> 7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND.
>
> 8. Causes you to SEND when you should DELETE.
>
> It is called the C-NILE virus!
>
> And if you can’t admit to doing the above, you’ve obviously caught
> the mutated strain —
>
> The D-NILE virus.
>
> Mike

I enjoyed that. Copied and passed on.

Jim

[Jim S]

The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to
discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In
the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey,
what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'


(I just love this)

.
.
.
.
.

'For goodness sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'


--
Jim S

[Mike Swift]

In article <MPG.3abb5d96d...@news.virginmedia.com>, Jim S
<j...@jimXscott.co.uk> writes

Love it, we need cheering up at the moment.

[Indy Jess John]

I loved it too :-)

Jim

[Philip Hole]

An old one but my favourite* :

David Beckham has an hour to spare before playing in London. He goes
window shopping.
In Harrods he sees a beautiful silver jug.

"What is it?" he asks assistant.
"It is a Thermos"
"What is a Thermos?"
She shows him and says "It keeps hot food hot and cold food cold".
"Brilliant. I will have one"

Back home he shows it to Victoria and explains that it keeps hot food
hot and cold food cold.

Next day at the the training ground he meets Sir Alex.

"what have you got there?"
"Its a Thermos and it keeps hot food hot and cold food cold. I've
brought my lunch in it."
"What have you got for lunch then?"
"Two choc ice bars and a cup of coffee"

* not really my favourite but I cant print that one.

--
Flop

[Brian Gaff (Sofa)]

This person has a very big house is all I'll say, that far away here and you
would be in the middle of the road.
Brian

--

This newsgroup posting comes to you directly from...
The Sofa of Brian Gaff...
bri...@blueyonder.co.uk
Blind user, so no pictures please
Note this Signature is meaningless.!
"Jim S" <j...@jimXscott.co.uk> wrote in message
news:MPG.3abb5d96d...@news.virginmedia.com...

[Indy Jess John]

On 17/03/2021 10:55, Brian Gaff (Sofa) wrote:
> This person has a very big house is all I'll say, that far away here and you
> would be in the middle of the road.

I depends on the style of house. I have a fairly typical Edwardian
house with the main body of the house and a gable end.
From the inside of the bay at the front to the kitchen sink at the back
is about 26 feet. It would only need a relatively small conservatory on
the back to make 40 feet.

Jim

[Mike Swift]

In article <s2sj70$je4$1...@dont-email.me>, Philip Hole
<ne...@theholefamily.org> writes

>* not really my favourite but I cant print that one.

Why not, we're all broadminded on here, I think.

[DaveG]

On Wed, 17 Mar 2021 00:28:41 +0000, Jim S wrote:

> 'For goodness sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

Silly question anyway. When you get old and deaf, it ALL tastes like chicken
Ba boom tish!

[Col]

On 17/03/2021 09:47, Philip Hole wrote:
>
>
> An old one but my favourite* :
>
> David Beckham has an hour to spare before playing in London. He goes
> window shopping.

And on the subject of David Beckham jokes....

Alex Ferguson calls Beckham into his office.

'David', he says, 'I need to talk to you about your performance against
Leeds the other night, you were bloody hopeless, completely off form.

'Sorry boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few
problems at home.'

'Oh dear' says Fergie, 'What's up? Posh & the kids Ok?'

'Oh, they're fine, it's just that something is really bugging me and I'm
losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's
really messing me head up.'

'Whatever's the matter?' says Fergie

'Well boss, It's pretty serious. Victoria bought this jigsaw puzzle the
other day and.........'

'A JIGSAW??' shouts Sir Alex. 'You're playing Sh*t because of a jigsaw?'

'Yeah boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing me head in!'says
David, 'It's really hard, it's this picture of a Tiger and it looks
really easy on the box and I'm sure i've got all the bits and everything
but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and, and.........'

'David, David, David' says Fergie, 'You better get a grip son and quick.'

'Ok boss, but.............It's this picture of a Tiger and it looks
really easy on the box and i'm sure i've got all the bits and
everything but I can't do it and it's doing my head in
and.......and....it's a Tiger and it looks easy but it's really hard and er,
it's a Tiger and everything, er.. on the box... er..... sorry boss.'

'Ok, Ok' says Sir Alex, 'bring in the blo*dy jigsaw and let's have a
look shall we. It can't be that difficult'.

'Thanks boss.' says David.

So Becks brings in the jigsaw and takes it to Fergies office. 'Here it
is boss' he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box, look
boss,it's a Tiger right, and it's a really good picture and everything
but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in
and everything..'

Becks empties all the pieces from the box all over Fergie's desk.

Sir Alex looks at whats on the desk, looks up with his head in his hands
and says to Beckham............


'Put the Frosties back in the box David'.............

--
Col

[Jim S]

Replace Beckham with the name of any easy target as others have already
done.
--
Jim S

[Philip Hole]

..... and so Sir Alex gives David a proper jigsaw at the end of the season.

Halfway through the season, David goes into Sir Alex's office.

Really happy.

"Sir Alex. I've finished the puzzle."

"Well I am glad you are pleased"

"That's because I did it in only 8 months"

"And it says 4 to 6 years on the box."

--
Flop

[Col]

Yeah I know, I'm not sure why Beckham ever got the tag that that he was
'thick'.
I was just relating a joke I knew from the time.

--
Col

[Mike Swift]

In article <$dFfCUAq...@ntlworld.com>, Mike Swift
<mike....@yeton.co.uk> writes

>You've probably seen this but my wife was sent this by a friend, very apt for
>those of us of advancing years.
>
>We're still battling COVID-19 and the next thing is here already
>
>The NILE Virus, type C
>
>Virologists have identified a new Nile virus - type C.
>
>It appears to target those who were born between 1940 & 1970
>Symptoms:
>
>1. Causes you to send the same message twice.
>
>2. Causes you to send a blank message
>
>3. Causes you to send a message to the wrong person.
>
>4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
>
>5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
>
>6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished.
>
>7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND.
>
>8. Causes you to SEND when you should DELETE.
>
>It is called the C-NILE virus!
>
>And if you can’t admit to doing the above, you’ve obviously caught the
>mutated strain —
>
>The D-NILE virus.

Just remembered an old one from when Wee Krankie was elected First
Minister, I've posted it before but due to the mire she's got herself
into north of the border a re-post seems needed.


Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur
driven car.
They round a sharp corner and hit a cow which has strayed out onto the
road.
They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : "You get oout
and check - you were driving."
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
"You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, "I canna afford
to be blamed for anything."
The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours
later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his
face.
"My God, what happened to you?" asks Nicola.
The chauffeur replies :
"When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt, the
wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.
"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm
Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

I don't usually kick someone when they're down but in her case I'll make
an exception.

[Grymma]

Having not heard this one... I thought it was funny :-)

--
Grymma AFPOh Goddess Of Hangovers; DAcFD, BF (UU)
I'm going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!