ARTICLE: Top Ten Lists

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Keith Robert Hertzer

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May 8, 1994, 11:16:25 PM5/8/94
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E-Squelch.......Excerpts From The Heuristic Squelch, May 1994........Page 3
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Top Sixteen Music/Restaurant Tie-ins:
16. Blondie's
15. Carl's Dinosaur Jr.
14. The ToGoGo's
13. Haagen Dazs-FX
12. Baskin Rollins Band
11. Marky Mark in the Box
10. Fleetwood MacDonald's
9. Terence Trent D'Arby's
8. Red Hot Chili's Peppers
7. Run KFC
6. B.B. Burger King
5. Taco Bell Biv DeVoe
4. Dairy Queen
3. International House of Pain
2. Denny Kravitz
1. Donnie & Marie Callender's

Top Ten Real Reasons Kurt Committed Suicide:
10. Subliminal messages in Nirvana music
9. TV broken, bored
8. Trying to reach nirvana
7. Couldn't get hair to be one color
6. Wife's Hole too popular
5. Cal lost in first round of NCAA tourney
4. Displeased with upcoming Nirvana Happy Meal at McDonald's
3. Was actually trying new form of piercing
2. Last season of Star Trek
1. Wanted to get mention in Squelch

Top Five Grave Misconceptions about Singapore Punishment:
5. Involves receiving free candy canes
4. Doesn't hurt, instead makes you feel "kinda tingly"
3. Has something to do with eyelashes
2. Anything with the word "stroke" in it can't be all bad
1. Is more painful than Barry Manilow concert

Top Six Things Jack Kevorkian Said Upon Hearing of Kurt Cobain's Suicide:
6. "Really? Really? Oh boy- Grungicide!"
5. "My method is not nearly as messy."
4. "Why wasn't I invited?"
3. "Clearly a mercy killing - mercy on those who had to listen to Nirvana."
2. "Hey, that means Courtney Love is available!"
1. "A shotgun? So gauche!"

Top Ten Women Rejected for Roles in "Bad Girls"
10. Tonya Harding
9. Sinead O' Connor
8. Blossom
7. Jessica Tandy
6. Lorena Bobbitt
5. Ellie Nessler
4. Susan Powter (Stop the Insanity!)
3. RuPaul
2. Nell Carter
1. Janet Reno

Top Ten Rejected Mattel Action Figures:
10. Norm Peterson Alcoholic Cabbage Patch Doll
9. David Koresh & the Sizzling Branch Davidians
8. The Argentine Nazi Youth Corps
7. Michael Jackson's Pre-Pubescent Battalion
6. G.I. Jew, A Real Israeli Hero
5. Vegan Squad (with patented Tofu Grip [tm])
4. The Offspring of Chernobyl Glow-in-the-Dark Warriors
3. Captain Dred, Rastafarian Freedom Fighter
2. Father Pedophile and the Inappropriate Touchers
1. Anorexia Kate: Calvin Klein Commando

Top Eight Lesser Known Hard Rock Cafes
8. Hard Rock Watts
7. Hard Rock Fremont
6. Hard Rock Grand Rapids, Michigan
5. Hard Rock Beirut
4. Hard Rock Goradze
3. Hard Rock Falklands
2. Hard Rock Vatican City
1. Hard Rock WEB

Top Five Problems with Finals:
5. Saturday 8:00 a.m. final conflicts with X-Men
4. Assumes retention of material
3. Not everyone has access to #2 pencils
2. Rigid parameters do not allow for "conference learning"
1. Unfairly discriminates against Attendancely-Challenged

Top Ten Nasty Breakfast Cereals:
10. Sweet Suppositories
9. Dental-Dammies
8. Dix (Kid tested, Mother approved)
7. Frosted Mini-Yeasts
6. Tricks
5. K-Y Krunchies
4. Mues-licks
3. Crabs n' Things
2. Captain Cock Rings
1. Hearty Hemorrhoids

Top Ten Bumperstickers We'd Like To See:
10. My child is Delinquent-of-the-Month at Berkeley High
9. My other car is used for drive-by shootings
8. I (heart) sex with barnacles
7. Honk if you love Lucifer, Prince of Darkness
6. It will be a fine day when we all get the classes we want and the
Regents have to hold a bake sale to fund Riverside
5. Practice random acts of kindness and molest small children
4. Think globally, act like an asshole
3. I brake for left-handed, blind, pygmy, nephrologists on acid
2. If you can't trust me with a choice, how can you trust me with an
imported, semi-automatic assault rifle?
1. I believe you, Mother Teresa!

Top Ten Things Seen at Pink Floyd Concerts:
10. Debbie Gibson
9. Big, inflatable pigs with lights for eyes
8. Scalpers
7. Little, tiny musicians far, far away
6. Worms eating into my brain
5. A fifteen-mile line outside the women's restroom
4. The dark side of the moon
3. Frat boys, the drunken variety
2. Acid, lots and lots of acid
1. Colors, lots and lots of colors

Top Ten Reasons to Walk on the Grass:
10. Save 36.8 seconds walking from one end of campus to the other.
9. No Berkeley Students for Vegetable Liberation to stop you, yet.
8. Grass killed your mother, and you must exact your revenge on it.
7. You have an inexplicable hatred for all things green.
6. It's a free country, dammit!
5. Rare form of colorblindness makes it impossible for you to differentiate
between it and asphalt.
4. You want the Regents to raise fees so they can afford to replant it.
3. You were herded along by others taking the same shortcut and couldn't
escape the crowd.
2. You come from Arizona and you didn't know what it was.
1. What better way is there to experience nature than by trampling it?

Top Ten Noah's Bagels Shmears:
10. Pap shmear
9. Yakov shmear-nov
8. Shnot shmear
7. Clear shmear
6. Oysters on the half shmear
5. Steer shmear
4. Gefilte shmear
3. Chocolate-chip cookie-dough shmear
2. Oy Vey Iz-shmear
1. Beer Shmear

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