Rarely do citizen's groups or non-profit
conservation organizations have the funds
to hire us to work toward the protection
of endangered species,
old-growth forests or other threatened resources.
Our associates have Ph.D. degrees in numerous
areas and have produced and written hundreds
of EA's (Environmental Assessments) and EIS's
(Environmental Impact Statements) that were so
misleading and cleverly crafted that power
companies have been able to fragment and
destroy thousands of acres of fragile native
forest and other ecosystems,
coal mining companies have been able
to blast off entire mountain tops,
and departments of transportation have
been able to spend billions of dollars
helping urban blight and sprawl consume
thousands of acres of farmland so that
the petroleum industry could sell millions
of barrels on oil to new hords of commuters.
We have ornothologists for example,
who can convince any judge in America,
that bulldozing down a few Eagle nests
or Red-cockaded Woodpecker cavity trees
is good for the birds, forcing the birds
to regroup and double their breeding efforts,
thus producing many more offspring than if
they had just been left alone.
We have archaeologists who will swear under oath,
that bulldozing through a Native American religious
ceremonial site is good for America since we are
now a "Christian Only Nation"
and we need to get rid of any vestiges of
paganism and show the "Great Spirit" that
our American God is superior.
We have forest ecologists who will convince
both judge and jury that there is more species
diversity in a clearcut than in a decadent
old-growth forest and that those old decaying
trees need to be cut down for the health of
We guarantee that no matter how nefarious
and destructive your company's proposed project is,
we can push it through any Federal or State Agency
regardless of what the Sierra Club or any other
environmental organization can put together in
the way of roadblocks.
"When we first went to college,
we were naive kids who actually thought
that we would devote our lives to keeping
America strong and beautiful.
How stupid we were.
We either had to work for free or get
paid wages so low that we had to sleep
on floors and live off of food stamps.
We saw the captains of industry driving
around in new Mercedes and flying around
in Lear Jets and we said, the hell with it.
We went to college for eight years and now
we are going to use our knowledge to make
money and the hell with the environment.
You only live once anyway."
We also have specialists in making the
right political contributions and who
can get laws changed to allow our clients
to do anything they damn well please.
Please visit our web site at
www.politicalwhores.org for more information.
Our specialists are also good at locating
professors at major universities who for
as little as $500 per hour will testify
according to any script that we present to them.
Find out more at www.intellectualwhores.org.
"WE ARE BIOSTITUTES AND PROUD OF IT."