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Ps Jones
Nov 6, 2008, 4:27:22 AM11/6/08
to True and on Fire CHRISTians Always
this is where if you know of any good clean and funny jokes, well this
is where you post them Marie
is where you post them Marie
Ps Jones
Nov 6, 2008, 4:29:48 AM11/6/08
to True and on Fire CHRISTians Always
Ps Jones View profile
More options Nov 1, 2:11 pm
From: Ps Jones <first.time.na...@gmail.com>
Date: Fri, 31 Oct 2008 20:11:26 -0700 (PDT)
Local: Sat, Nov 1 2008 2:11 pm
Subject: Re: General Board
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A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While
on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God
she
asked
'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months
and 8
days to live.' Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the
hospital and
have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She
even
had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her
teeth!
Since
she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make
the
most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the
hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an
ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had
another 43
years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'
(You'll love this)
God. replied: 'I didn't recognize
you.'...........HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I love this and God does have a sense of humor,this came to me from
my
daughter Emma a non CHRISTian love Ps Jones
Ps Jones
Nov 6, 2008, 4:31:25 AM11/6/08
to True and on Fire CHRISTians Always
"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together
and said: "If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it
Jumping up and down."
and said: "If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it
Jumping up and down."
Ps Jones
Nov 6, 2008, 6:40:33 AM11/6/08
to True and on Fire CHRISTians Always
Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she 's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly..
Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says: How's my driving-call 1-800-.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes..
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
Ps Jones
Nov 13, 2008, 10:32:43 PM11/13/08
to True and on Fire CHRISTians Always
This particular story just made me laugh. Every time I think about it,
the vision of that poor cat just amuses me to no end. Hope the story
leaves a bright spot in your day.
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his
church.
He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was
afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The
kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so
the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it
until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the rear
view mirror of the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit
further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the
kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope
broke. The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through
the air - out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking
people if they'd seen a little kitten. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.
So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and
went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his
church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was
amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew
it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats
so much?' She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how
her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept
refusing.
Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally
told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep
it.'
She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on
her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't
believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came
flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right
in front of her.'
Lesson learned: Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique
sense of humor.
the vision of that poor cat just amuses me to no end. Hope the story
leaves a bright spot in your day.
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his
church.
He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was
afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The
kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so
the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it
until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the rear
view mirror of the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit
further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the
kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope
broke. The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through
the air - out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking
people if they'd seen a little kitten. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.
So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and
went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his
church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was
amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew
it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats
so much?' She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how
her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept
refusing.
Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally
told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep
it.'
She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on
her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't
believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came
flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right
in front of her.'
Lesson learned: Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique
sense of humor.
Ps Jones
Nov 16, 2008, 6:12:50 PM11/16/08
to True and on Fire CHRISTians Always
Strailya Mate!
An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having
a beer.
All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces..
'In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink
from the same one twice,' he says.
The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
'Wull mate, in Noo Zeland we have so much sand to make the glasses
that we don't need to drink out of the same glass either,' he says.
The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South
African and the Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman and says, 'In
Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we
don't need to drink with the same ones twice.'
Moral of the story
Never give brag in front of an Australian cause you can be sure he
will always go one better
An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having
a beer.
All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces..
'In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink
from the same one twice,' he says.
The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
'Wull mate, in Noo Zeland we have so much sand to make the glasses
that we don't need to drink out of the same glass either,' he says.
The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South
African and the Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman and says, 'In
Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we
don't need to drink with the same ones twice.'
Moral of the story
Never give brag in front of an Australian cause you can be sure he
will always go one better
Ps Jones
Nov 19, 2008, 8:18:07 PM11/19/08
to True and on Fire CHRISTians Always
No Mushrooms============= A group of country friends from the
Cottonwood Baptist Churchwanted to get together on a regular basis,
socialize and playgames. The lady of the house was to prepare the
meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janetwanted
to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered
steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, 'No
mushrooms. They are too high.'He said, 'Why don't you go down in the
pasture and pick some ofthose mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek
bed.' She said,'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.' He said, 'Well, I
seevarmints eating them and they're OK.' So Janet decided to give it a
try. She picked a bunch, washed,sliced, diced them for her smothered
steak. Then she went outon the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard
dog) a doublehandful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long,
Janetwatched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affecthim,
so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet
even hired a helperlady from town to help her serve. She had on a
white apron anda fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had
finished,they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes. About
then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered inJanet's ear.
She said, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.' Janet went into
hysterics. After she finally calmed down, shecalled the doctor and
told him what had happened. The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think
we can take care ofit. I will call for an ambulance and I will be
there as quickas possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump
outeveryone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep themcalm.'
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming downthe
road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases,syringes, and a
stomach pump. One by one, they took each personinto the bathroom, gave
them an enema, and pumped out theirstomach. After the last one was
finished, the doctor came out and said,'I think everything will be
fine now.' and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting
around the livingroom and about this time the helper lady came in and
said,'You know, that fellow who ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.
Cottonwood Baptist Churchwanted to get together on a regular basis,
socialize and playgames. The lady of the house was to prepare the
meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janetwanted
to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered
steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, 'No
mushrooms. They are too high.'He said, 'Why don't you go down in the
pasture and pick some ofthose mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek
bed.' She said,'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.' He said, 'Well, I
seevarmints eating them and they're OK.' So Janet decided to give it a
try. She picked a bunch, washed,sliced, diced them for her smothered
steak. Then she went outon the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard
dog) a doublehandful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long,
Janetwatched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affecthim,
so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet
even hired a helperlady from town to help her serve. She had on a
white apron anda fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had
finished,they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes. About
then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered inJanet's ear.
She said, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.' Janet went into
hysterics. After she finally calmed down, shecalled the doctor and
told him what had happened. The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think
we can take care ofit. I will call for an ambulance and I will be
there as quickas possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump
outeveryone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep themcalm.'
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming downthe
road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases,syringes, and a
stomach pump. One by one, they took each personinto the bathroom, gave
them an enema, and pumped out theirstomach. After the last one was
finished, the doctor came out and said,'I think everything will be
fine now.' and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting
around the livingroom and about this time the helper lady came in and
said,'You know, that fellow who ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.
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