THEOLDFELLA- JOKES4U-TIME.

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

'A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of his fellow dentists were facing. He said that one of his friends was touring a latex glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves. One person would stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat of cooling water, then dip his hand in it to solidify the latex. The glove was then thrown in a finished products box. The dentist''s patient was disgusted by the lack of care taken in making the gloves sanitary. Wanting to keep all the patients he could, the dentist didn''t mention how they made condoms.', ====================== 'The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him for an examination. "Mrs. Brown, I have some good news for you." The woman said, "I''m glad to hear that doctor, but I''m Miss Brown, not Mrs." "Oh. Well, in that case Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have some bad news for you."', ========================= 'John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped inand saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital ashe is OK.Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died.David: Doctor, he didn''t hang himself. I hung him there to dry', ======================== 'A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist ifthere is anybody in room 27. She goes and checks, and comesback to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty. "Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."', ==================== 'Who''s got my pen?', 'A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to ''write'' with it.Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that''s great, just great... Some asshole''s got my pen."', ===================  'The evils of marijuana', 'A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic ofthe lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, "Used regularly," he explained, "pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!""Now wait a minute, professor," interrupted a student. "Castration?That''s absurd!""Yes young man, it''s sadly true," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"', =====================  'What should you give a man who has everything? Penicillin', =================== 'What do you do if someone''s having a seizure in a bathtub?Throw in a load of laundry.', ======================= 'Not a foot', 'An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumblesinto a Podiatrist''s office instead and weaves over to thereceptionist.Without looking up, she waves him over to the examinationbed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out hispenis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains."That''s not a foot!" screams the nurse on duty."Holy shit, lady!" the drunk exclaims, "I never knew you hada minimum!"', ===================== 'This male prostitute contracted syphilis.He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.', ========================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

'Constipation problem', 'Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation."It''s terrible," she said, "I haven''t moved my bowels in a week.""I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor."Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half- hourin the morning and again at night.""No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?""Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."', =================== 'Broken leg', '"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man''s broken leg."Well, doc, 25 years ago...""Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.""Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on thefarm, that night, right after I''d gone to bed, the farmer''s beautifuldaughter came into my room.  She asked me if there was anything Iwanted.I said, "No, everything is fine.""Are you sure?" she asked."I''m sure," I said."Isn''t there anything I can do for you???" she wanted to know."I reckon not," I replied."Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to dowith your broken leg?!?!?""Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"', ===================== 'Fred Dingaling', 'Fred DingalingA local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster thanthe posted speed limit. Since he''s in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead ofa ticket. So, he asks the man his name."Fred," he replies."Fred what?" the officer asks."Just Fred," the man responds.When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that heused to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"The man replies, "It''s a long story so stay with me. I was born FredDingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all thetime. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When Igot older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went throughcollege, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back toschool. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got mydegree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry soI started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I wasFred Dingaling MD DDS with VD."Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I wasFred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA takingaway my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me asFred Dingaling with VD."Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I''m just Fred."The officer let him go without even a warning.', ================== 'This male prostitute contracted leprosy.He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.', ===================  'Can''t remember', 'Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what I just said.When did you first notice this problem?What problem?', ===================== 'Politically Correct Feminine Terminology        from aper...@saunix.sau.edu:        Have you ever wanted to talk about a girl but was afraid that youwould offend the person standing near you?...NOT.   Well, if you are, thenhere are some alternatives to some popular phrases.I found them on a poster, but I don''t remember which one.She is not:                     An airheadShe is:                         Reality ImpairedShe is not:                     A Bleached BlondShe is:                         Peroxide DependantShe is not:                     A babe or chickShe is:                         A Breasted AmericanShe does not have:              Major league hootersShe is:                         Pectorally SuperiorShe does not have:              A Great TanShe is:                         Pigmentally EnhancedYou do not want to:             Score or pick her upYou want to:                    Attempt a Horizontal EncounterShe is not:                     A perfect 10She is:                         Numerically SuperiorShe does not have:              A great buttShe has:                        A Superior PosteriorIf she does not want to get:    Married or hitchedShe does not want:              Domestic IncarcerationShe is not:                     Half nakedShe is:                         Wardrobe ImpairedShe does not have:              A perfect bodyShe is:                         Anatomically GiftedShe is not:                     Drunk or tipsyShe is:                         Chemically InconveniencedShe is not:                     Small or shortShe is:                         Vertically Challenged', ======================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

'Men vs. Women         Men and women are not alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have conculsive proof!  After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged: RELATIONSHIPS: First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots."  Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the breakup - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I''ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you''re a total floozy.  But I want you to know there''s always a chance for us."  This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once.  There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective. SEX: Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school romances rarely work out. HATS: Women look good in hats; men look like dinks. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i''s" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p''s" and "g''s."  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.  Even when she''s dumping you, she''ll put a smiley face at the end of the note. BATHROOMS: A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman''s bathroom is 437.  A man would not be able to identify most of these items. MAGAZINES: Men''s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women''s magazines also feature pictures of naked women.  This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day. GOING OUT: When a man says he''s ready to go out, it means he''s ready to go out. When a woman says she''s ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup... LEG WARMERS: Leg warmers are sexy.  A woman, even if she''s walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers.  She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line." CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren''t looking, men kick cats. MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola''s head... GARAGES: Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things.  They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages. MOVIES: For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind." For men, it''s when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark''s face in "Public Enemy." JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that''s it.  Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes.  The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction.  He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car. LOW BLOWS: Let''s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain. ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer. RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married women. NUDITY IN MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.  This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men. The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women.  They exaggerate about money, they don''t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex.  Not in abstract terms, either.  They''re graphic and technical, and they *never* lie. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there. WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party." SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. PLANTS: A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. MUSTACHES: Some men look good with mustaches:  Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches. NICKNAMES: With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.', ==============================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

'How do you know when a woman''s about to say something smart?When she starts her sentence with , "A man once told me... "', ================== 'Women', 'Women with Weapons', 'The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose   to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one''s   self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false   images into a more proper perspective.      Please circle your answers to each below:       1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on       it that says:       "The ultimate in feminine protection" ?         1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.         2. I''m amazed the pigs have no law banning women''s T-Shirts.         3. A 9mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days".    2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:         1. All you''ll ever need.         2. Like I''d use yet another phallic symbol.         3. The signal to open Fire.    3. The movie "Thelma & Louise" was:         1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify            violence.         2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.         3. A training film.    4. What was technically wrong with the scene in "Thelma & Louise"       where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.         1. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche I mean pointing guns;            let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.         2. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm            only one man; not realistic at all.         3. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the            dashboard of the cruiser.    5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:         1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.         2. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse ?         3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.    6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor,       Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You       reply:         1. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered            to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!         2. Yeah, like I''m supposed to stand there and let old fat gut            Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs            !         3. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel            stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that!    7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster ? [INLINE]         1. Obscene ! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.         2. What''s a bra ?         3. As long as it doesn''t get in the way of my shoulder sling.    8. Define "male."         1. The first syllable of "malevolence," which in turn is only            one letter short of "male violence."         2. An animal with a one track mind. A brute who feels the need            to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women            everywhere.         3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females,            but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.    9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products       as Mace and CapStun belong?         1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and            understanding, you won''t need nasty things like that.         2. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the            male dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat            secure.         3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of            Feminique.   10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He       ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife       upraised. How many shots should you fire?         1. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice            moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.         2. As many as I had, assuming the male dominated firearms            industry would sell me a gun; or let alone ammunition in the            first place.         3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance            like that to express yourself, and get in touch with your            feelings?                              Grading the Exam                                           * If 8 or more of your answers were "1":       This indicates you''re a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will       indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when       the rest of us are done with it.     * If 8 or more of your answers were "2":       Hey babe -- you''re stuck in the 60''s sweetheart. Loosen up! A full       12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men       now. I mean like ... What more do you want outta us poor males ?     * If 8 or more of your answers were "3":       Don''t feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but       Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in       "Bride of Rambo".', ===================== 'How to Satisfy a Woman Every TimeCaress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe,humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug,coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate,nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply,accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm,lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate,attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend,coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize,detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace,accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead,borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch,crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for,dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine,cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate,enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite,taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab onthe ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey,hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don''t care ifI die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize,humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin'' in the freeworld, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble,drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate,indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize andworship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.                           How to Satisfy a Man Every TimeShow up naked.', ========================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

'Why do female parachutists wear tampons? So they don''t whistle on the way down...', =====================  'why do women have legs?have you ever seen the mess that slugs leave behind!??', ====================  'Manly signs', '"Doctor, doctor!" shouted the woman coming into the doctors offfice.  "Ithink I''m turning into a man"  then the doctor says,  " Now hold onlittle lady  what makes you think that you''re turning into a man?"  "Well" said the woman "I''m starting to grow hair on my chest" and thenthe  doctor asked, " Well then, how far down your chest is your hairgrowing? " and then she replied,  "All the way down to my dick".', ===================== 'What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?You can unscrew a light bulb!', ======================  'Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few   gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates... "I know   you haven''t been getting much lately...but I didn''t know you were so   worried about it!"', ======================  'A woman asks the hardware store clerk...', '"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk.   "Yes, m''am." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this   way?"   "If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn''t need the   batteries."', ==================== 'Crazy Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck   inside of her.   "To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I''m going to have to   perform a very long and delicate operation."   "I don''t think I can afford that," said Sally. "Could you just replace   the batteries?"', =======================  'WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE   by Matt Groening   RELATIONSHIPS:   When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to   her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are   Idiots".   Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble   letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. On a Saturday   night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined   my life, and I''ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you''re a   total   floozy. But I want you to know that there''s always a chance for us."   This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and   99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges   that offer courses to help men get over this need.   SEX:   Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of   foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the   foreplay.   MATURITY:   Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can   function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading   baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This   is why high school romances rarely work out.   MAGAZINES:   Men''s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women''s   magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because   the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body   is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.   Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman''s body. Most   naked men elicit laughter from women.   HANDWRITING:   To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just   chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they   dot their "i''s" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously   large loops in their "p''s" and "g''s". It is a royal pain to read a   note from a woman. Even when she''s dumping you, she''ll put a   smiley face at the end of the note!!!   BATHROOMS:   A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,   razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The   average number of items in the typical woman''s bathroom is 437.   A man would not be able to identify most of these items.   GROCERIES:   A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the   store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left   in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery   shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man   reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the   Clampett''s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not   stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.   CATS:   Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren''t   looking, men kick cats.   LAUNDRY:   Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article   of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about   eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally   out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a   U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men   always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a   myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."   THE TELEPHONE:   Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the   telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can   visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she   will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.   RICHARD GERE:   Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.   Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy   who works at the health club and dates only married women.   MADONNA:   Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.   LOCKER ROOMS:   In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,   and women. They exaggerate about money, they don''t know football   nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories   about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not   in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and   technical, and they never lie.   MOVIES:   Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.   This is because every movie in the history of movies has been   produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in   the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.   TIME:   When a woman says she''ll be ready to go out in five more minutes,   she''s using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football   game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time   outs, commercials, or replays.   FRIENDS:   Women on a girl''s night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy''s   night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass   the Doritos or Got any more beer?"   RESTROOMS:   Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use   restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak   a word to each other. Women who''ve never met will leave a restroom   giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the   world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying,   "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"', ========================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

'What''s the white stuff you find in the bottom of girls'' undies? Clitty litter.', ===================== 'You know why there''s a string on a tampon? So the crabs can bungee jump.', =================== 'How can you tell if you''re at a bulemic bachelor party? The cake jumps out of the girl.', ========================  'A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her older sister just   come out of the shower.   The young girl looks at her sisters pussy and asks "What''s that?"   Her sister replies "That is my possum, sis!"   The young girl replies "Oh, OK"   The next day she sees her mother get out of the shower and a pointing   at her pussy again   asks "What''s that?"   Her mother replies "That''s my possum!"   The young girl again replies "Oh, OK"   The next day she sees her grandmother getting out of the shower and   once again pointing at   her pussy asks "What''s that?"   The grandmother replies "That''s my possum!"   The young girl replies "Oh, grandmother, is your possum dead?"   The grandmother, looking a little dazzled replies "No, deary, why do   you ask?"   The young girl replies "Oh, its just that your possums tongue is   sticking out!"', ==================== 'Yeah, fat broads are like mopeds. They''re fun to ride,   but you don''t want your friends to see you on one.', ==================== 'A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge."   The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?"   The woman says, "No, but I''ll blow you for the toaster."', ================== 'A little boy walks up to his father and says, "Dad, what does a pussy   look like?"   Father responds, "well son, before or after sex?"   Son, "Well, before?"   Father, "picture a tulip with all the petals son."   Son, "well what about after?"   Father, "Picture a bull dog eating mayonnaise!"', ====================  'A new medical study has shown that a woman''s breast-feeding isn''t   adversely affected by   aerobics. It was found, however, to be pretty distracting to guys in   the class.', =================== 'Women', 'Titicons', 'Titicons   (.)(.) tiny tits   (o) (o) regular tits   ( O )( O ) big tits   ( @ ) ( @ ) big harry tits   ( '' ) ( '' ) perky tits   {.} {.} shriveled tits   ( , ) ( , ) drippy tits   [ _ ] [ _ ] android tits   ( # ) ( # ) Tysoned tits', =================== 'Miracle Bra Alternative   A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full   length mirror. This   does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror,   looking at herself, asking   him how she looks.   One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the   mirror, now complaining   that her breasts are too small.   Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you   want your breasts to   grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between   your breasts for a few   seconds."   Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and   stands in front of the   mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.   "How long will this take?" she asks.   "They''ll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he   replies.   The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper   between my breasts   everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks.   The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn''t it?"', ====================== 'Feminist''s Fairytale!!   Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess   happened upon a frog in a pond.   The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an   evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and will turn back   into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom   and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and   forever feel happy doing so."   That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing   and saying, "I don''t think so."', ====================== 'NEW ELEMENTS ON THE PERIODIC TABLE    Element: WOMAN    Symbol: Wo   Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less)   Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may   freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not   used well.   Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold,   silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able   to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when   placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.   Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for   disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income   reducing agent known.   Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.   Element: MAN    Symbol: XY   Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!   Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room   temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and   sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging   samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh   samples.   Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get.   Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when   mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize   by saturating with alcohol.   Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able   to produce large quantities on command.   Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and   begins to smell.', ==========================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

'Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?   A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.', =================== 'Good girls vs. Bad girls', 'Good girls loosen a few buttons when it''s hot. Bad girls   make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Good girls only own one credit   card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.   Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines. Good   girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could   do it better. Good girls think they''re not fully dressed without a   strand of pearls. Bad girls think they''re fully dressed with just a   strand of pearls. Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear   high heels to bed. Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?"', ================== 'Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old   woman and a single 40-year-old man? A: The 40-year-old woman thinks   often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.', =================== 'A WOMAN''S SCHEDULE1. Get up. 2. Pee. 3. Drink raspberry-cranberry tea. 4. Pee. 5. Apply makeup. Pee first so you don''t have to stop in the middle. 6. Drive to work. Pee at gas station. Complain about dirty restroom. Go to a different gas station and pee there. 7. Get to work at Burger King. Pee. Wash hands. 8. Lunch. Slimfast. Pee. 9. Arrive home. Pee. Shower. Pee. 10. Promise sex to husband. Pee. Get up in the middle of sex and pee. 11. Pee. Go to bed. Get up at 3 A.M. Waking husband but instead of giving him head, go and pee.', ==================== 'His And Hers ATMsHIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you''re too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.9. Enter PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit "cancel" 12. Re-enter correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in reverse gear38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake', ==================== 'God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you''d like tochange?"She said, "Yes.  Could you get rid of this middle breast?"God snapped his fingers and it was done.She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand,"What am I going to do with this useless boob?"And God created man.', ====================== 'Favorite Drink', 'AGE        DRINK        17         Wine Coolers        25         White wine        35         Red wine        48         Dom Perignon        66         Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser', 0, =====================  'Excuses for refusing dates', 'Age           EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES        17         Need to wash my hair        25         Need to wash and condition my hair        35         Need to color my hair        48         Need to have Francois color my hair        66         Need to have Francois color my wig', ========================  'Favorite Sport', 'Age       FAVORITE SPORT        17         shopping        25         shopping        35         shopping        48         shopping        66         shopping', ====================        DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE        17         "Burger King"        25         "Free meal"        35         "A diamond"        48         "A bigger diamond"        66         "Home Alone"', =======================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

FAVORITE FANTASY        17         tall, dark and handsome        25         tall, dark and handsome with money        35         tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain        48         a man with hair        66         a man', ================== 'Favorite House Pet', 'Age        HOUSE PET        17         Muffy the cat        25         Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat        35         Irish setter and Muffy the Cat        48         Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat        66         Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs                    Muffy the Cat', =================== WHAT''S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?        17         17        25         25        35         35        48         48        66         66', ==================        IDEAL DATE        17         He offers to pay        25         He pays        35         He cooks breakfast the next morning        48         He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids        66         He can chew breakfast', ====================== 'A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badlyscrewed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lampwashing up onshore.She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him.  As aconsolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes.  But, hecautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give herex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makesher first wish.  The first wish was for a billion dollars.  The genie grantsher wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollarbills.  The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of10 billion dollars.The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. Thesecond wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own privatebeach.  In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds gain thather ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points own the beachto a small development of ten such mansions.Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish.Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the geniethat she wants to make the last wish.  But, before she can do this, thegenie again warns her that her ex-husband will get tentimes what she wishes for.No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy.  For my last wish..."Id like to give birth to twins".', ===================== 'A young girl goes to the gynecologist and he examines her.He says,"You have acute vaginitis."She says "Thank you."', ====================== 'Did you hear about Tempura House?It''s a shelter for lightly battered women.', ====================== 'What does a woman of 40 have between her breasts that a woman of 20doesn''t?A belly-button!', =======================  'What has a woman got in common with a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken?Once you get past the tender breast and the juicy thigh, all you''re leftwith is a greasy box.', ====================== 'What does a girl with bulimia call two fingers?Desert.', ======================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

'Why do women get PMS?THEY JUST FUCKING DO ALRIGHT!?', ============== 'Why do they call it PMS?Mad Cow disease was already taken.', =================== 'Why are girls like pianos?When they''re not upright, they''re grand...', ==================  '3 pregnant women were waiting in the doctor''s waiting room for an antenatalcheck-up and were all knitting garments for there respective babies.Suddnely the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..."What was that?", the other two ask, curiously."Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby", she replies, pattingher stomach affectionately.Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting...5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes abottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.."What was that?", the other two enquire"Vitamin tablet", she replies, "Good for mommy, good for little baby" andshe pats her stomach affectionately.All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting...5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes abottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.."What was that?" ask the other two.."Thalidomide. I can''t knit sleeves..."', ===================== 'Q. Why is psycho- analysis so much easier for men ratherthan women? A. Because when it comes time to revert to childhood, menare already there.', ================== 'What do you call a truckload of vibrators?     -Toys for Twats.', ================ 'How is a woman like an airplane?     -Both have cockpits.', ================= 'How is a woman like a road?     -Both have manholes.', ================ 'Why did god invent alcohol?      - So fat women can get laid too.', ================= 'A milk bath', 'When the milkman found a note on one of his customer''sdoors asking for 16 gallons instead of the usual quart,he rang the bell."Sorry to bother you, ma''am," he said, "but are you sureyou want sixteen gallons of milk today?""Oh, yes," said the lady of the house. "I''m going to takea milk bath.""Do you want it pasteurized?""No, just up to my tits would be fine."', ======================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

'Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?It''s for the Christmas period.', =================== 'The Perfect Day - Him and Her', 'The Perfect Day - Her    8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses    9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale    9:30 Light Breakfast    11:00 Sunbathe    12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe    1:45 Shopping    2:30 Run into boyfriend''s/husband''s ex and notice she''s gained 30 lbs    3:00 Facial, massage, nap    7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing    10:00 Make love    11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms The Perfect Day - Him    6:45 Alarm.    7:00 Shower and massage.    7:30 Blowjob.    7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.    8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.    8:30 Butler Aviation, O''Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.    9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.    11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.    12:30 Blowjob.    12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.    2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.    3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew         (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue         Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six         Heinekens, nap.    6:15 Blowjob.    6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.    7:30 Shit, shower, shave.    8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton''s resignation. Hillary         and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves         graphic pictures and large farm animals).    9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare),         Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963         (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero    10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries    11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab          and leave.    Midnight Blowjob    Sleep', ===================== 'What do you get if you put your hand down an pyschic''s pants?      Your palm red once a month.', ====================== 'The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch"have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise.After all, both companies have made millions off airheads withflawless skins, Malibu tans, and synthetic breasts.If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certainto follow. Some possibilities:Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment,where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessoriesinclude a bottle of vodka, silk sheets and an arrest warrant.Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteadersimportant tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how totake care of their nails while shoeing a horse.America''s Most Wanted Barbie: She''s on the run after 30 years of crimeagainst feminism.Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks!Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is,Ballerina Barbie''s struggle with bulimia, and Kens who wear Barbie''s clothes.My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens whodon''t have huge wardrobes, pools, ponies, and perfect bods.Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll,which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married tooyoung and ate too much.Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she''s 27!)arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.', ====================== 'What is the loose skin around the pussy called?    -The woman.', ===================== :"What''s the difference between a ''cunt'' and a ''pussy''?"The dad gets a Penthouse magazine, draws a circle around acrotch and says: "Everything inside the circle is a ''pussy'',everything outside the circle is a ''cunt''"', =================== 'The seven kinds of passionate women    1.The Optimist      - "Yes! Yes! Yes!"    2.The Pessimist      - "No! No! No!"    3.The Confused      - "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!"    4.The Asthmatic      - written rendition of gasping    5.The Sprinter      - "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"    6.The Religious      - "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!    7.The Mathematician      - "More! More! More! More!', ==================== 'What''s the difference between women and men?      One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.', ====================== 'How are women like elevators?      Only about half go down.', ==================== 'Why did the Avon lady walk funny?      Her lipstick.', ==========================