TREVS--JOKES 4 U.

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   =========================    'Mixed Jokes', 'Evaluation comments', '|Dictionary of Evaluation Comments Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice. JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes. STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward. SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time. IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else. ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip. REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed. HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way. ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do. HAPPY: Paid too much. WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork. COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying. WILL GO FAR: Relative of management. SHOULD GO FAR: Please. USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher. VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work. USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything. DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.', ============================  'Mixed Jokes', 'Evaluating progress', '|A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.Active socially: Drinks heavily.Alert to company developments: An office gossip.Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.Average: Not too bright.Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.Conscientious and careful: Scared.Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.Enjoys job: Needs more to do.Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.Happy: Paid too much.Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.Maintains professional attitude: A snob.Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.Not a desk person: Did not go to college.Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.Should go far: Please.Slightly below average: Stupid.Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.Takes pride in work: Conceited.Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.Uses resources well: Delegates everything.Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.Well organized: Does too much busywork.Will go far: Relative of management.Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn''t mind spending someone else''s money.Zealous attitude: Opinionated.', =========================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.

=========================  'Mixed Jokes', 'Miscellaneous terms', '|Arbitrator \\ar''-bi-tray-ter\\: A cook that leaves Arby''s to work at McDonald''s.Avoidable \\uh-voy''-duh-buhl\\: What a bullfighter tries to do.Baloney \\buh-lo''-nee\\: Where some hemlines fall.Bernadette \\burn''-a-det\\: The act of torching a mortgage.Burglarize \\bur''-gler-ize\\: What a crook sees with.Counterfeiters \\kown-ter-fit-ers\\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.Eclipse \\e-klips''\\: What an English barber does for a living.Eyedropper \\i''-drop-ur\\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.Heroes \\hee''-rhos\\: What a guy in a boat does.Left Bank \\left'' bangk''\\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.Misty \\mis''-tee\\: How golfers create divots.Paradox \\par''-uh-doks\\: Two physicians.Parasites \\par''-uh-sites\\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.Pharmacist \\farm''-uh-sist\\: A helper on the farm.Polarize \\po''-lur-ize\\: What penguins see with.', ===========================  'Mixed Jokes', 'The skier''s dictionary', '|Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?" Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury. Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident. Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It''s good exercise. It doesn''t require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn''t skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other. Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculped drift. Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you''re prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet. Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape. Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia. Inertia: Tendency of a skier''s body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton''s First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don''t expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an irrestible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear. Prejump: Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans. Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins. Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" - which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill. Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them. Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?" Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth. Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed. Tree: The other method.', =============================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.

=========================  'Mixed Jokes', 'Drinking fault finder', '|A solution to all of your drinking troublesSymptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.Fault: Glass is empty.Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.Symptom: Feet cold and wet.Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.Symptom: Feet warm and wet.Fault: Loss of self-control.Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.Symptom: Bar blurred.Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.Symptom: Bar swaying.Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.Symptom: Bar moving.Fault: You are being carried out.Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.Fault: You have fallen over backwards.Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.Fault: You have fallen over forwards.Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.Symptom: Everything has gone dim.Fault: The pub is closing.Solution: Panic.', ==========================  'Real Jokes', 'Find out about the cat', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine''s back seat.The service station''s attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"', =============================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.

========================= 'Real Jokes', 'Did you understand me?', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?"The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I''m terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn''t you understand?"', ======================== Real Jokes', 'This dog loves people', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A normally sweet Great Dane Psil has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers.While walk Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man.Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner tried to ease the situation said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men.""Don''t you feed her anything else?" he responded.', =========================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.

========================= 'Real Jokes', 'Writing letters to son', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.Didn''t realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."', ========================= 'Real Jokes', 'Phone company''s errors', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Phone Company Gives Something for NothingDear Ann,I think I can top the person who wrote complaining about the idiocy of the phone company. Talk about garbage in, garbage out!When AT&T split with Bell, we had three phones in our house. The equipment belonged to Ma Bell and the service belonged to AT&T. After we returned all the phone equipment to Ma Bell, we received a bill for $0.00. A few weeks later, we received a check for $5 and a note thanking us. Several months later, we received another computerized bill for $0.00. We called again, got nowhere, so we sent another check for $0.00. A few weeks later we received another $5 refund with the same thank you.This went on every three months for two years. Now we are down to once a year and have given up trying to straighten this out. We just cash the $5 and forget about it.-- Linda K. R. in California', =======================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.

=========================  'Real Jokes', 'Converting to metric', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said:All signs metricNext 20 miles', ======================  'Real Jokes', 'Begin emergency landing', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.The vibration stopped immediately.A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.', ==========================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.

=========================  'Real Jokes', 'Drinking and driving', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.The "Environmental Engineering News" published some rather sobering information about punishment for drunk driving convictions in other countries.In Australia, the names of drunk drivers are printed in newspapers under the caption, "He''s drunk and in jail."In Malaysia the driver is jailed and, if married, the spouse is jailed.In the United Kingdom, Finland and Sweden there''s an automatic jail term of one year.In Turkey, drunk drivers are driven twenty miles out of town and forced to walk back ten miles.In Bulgaria, a second drunk-driving conviction results in capital punishment.In El Salvador, your first offense is your last -- execution by firing squad.From the August Road & Track.', ============================  'Real Jokes', 'Call us for assistance', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, ''Why didn''t you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?''The lady said, ''My phone doesn''t have an eleven.''', ================================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.

========================= 'Real Jokes', 'Fortune cookie mistake', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.On Saturday last, I had dinner at a local Chinese restaurant. My fortune read:"You will gain admiration from your pears."Comice? Bartlett? Canned? I don''t grow or eat them, anyway.', ====================  'Real Jokes', 'Strange grants given', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.LOS ANGELES TIMES, September 14:According to a database maintained by Academic Guidance Services, there are 3,000 scholarships earmarked for golf caddies, newspaper carriers, glee clubbers, and band members.Juanita College in Pennsylvania gives grants to needy left-handers.Parents whose children were born on June 12, 1979 can plan ahead to apply for a scholarship to the Rochester Institute of Technology in honor of the school''s 150th anniversary.Bucknell University gives grants to students who do not use alcohol, tobacco, or narcotics and don''t engage in strenuous activities.A judge in Seattle uses the fines he collects from prostitutes to finance scholarships for their reformed sisters who want to return to school.', ====================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.

=========================  'Real Jokes', 'Shooting your computer', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.From the Echoes-Sentines [?], Somerset County, NJ, Sept. 17, 1987:GILLETTE RESIDENT IS ARRESTED AFTER SHOOTING HIS COMPUTERPASSAIC TWP. -- A Gillette man was arrested at his home last Thursday night after he fired eight bullets at his home computer, according to police.The man, Michael A. Case, 35, of 64 Summit Ave., was arrested shortly after 11 p.m., at his house, when police said they received a report that shots were fired. They arrived at the home to find a .44 Magnum automatic handgun and a shot-up IBM personal computer with a Princeton Graphics System monitor.The monitor screen was blown out by the blasts and its inner workings were visible, Lt. Donald Van Tassel said on Monday. The computer, which had bullet holes in its hardware, was hit four times while four more bullet holes were found in various areas next to the computer, Van Tassel said."The only thing he (Case) said was that he was mad at his computer so he shot it," Van Tassel said.The handgun, which the lieutenant identified as an Israeli Arms Desert Eagle .44, has "a lot of firepower," he said. "It''s a big gun." Case used hollow-point, or dum-dum, bullets, he added.Case was surprised when police arrested him because he didn''t think he was breaking the law, Van Tassel said. "He couldn''t understand why he couldn''t shoot his own computer in his own home," Van Tassel said.Case was charged with recklessly creating a risk and using a firearm against the property of another, because the house is reportedly owned by a relative. The walls were also damaged by the shots, according to police.He was also charged with unlawful posession of a firearm without a permit, and with possession of illegal bullets, police said.In addition, Case was issued to summonses, for discharging a weapon in a restricted area and for discharging a single-projectile weapon, police said.Case spent early Friday morning in the Morris County Jail and was released later in the day on $2,500 bail, according to police.A Municipal Court appearance is scheduled for today, Sept. 17.', =======================  'Real Jokes', 'Newspaper typing error', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.The following appeared on the back page of one of Australia''s more outrageous computer publications, "Computing Australia", 21st Sept 1987: ... Blame it on the computer.An unfriendly computer has been held responsible for a "potentially lethal error" involving a Mafia loan collector.A New York paper inadvertently put the `heavy'' in the running for a pair of custom-fitted concrete shoes when it identified him as a "ruthless informer".According to a published retraction (and apology!), a writer on the paper had actually typed "ruthless enforcer" - but the computer system''s spelling checker liked it the other way.And I thought the worst you could expect from a "computer error" was a bill for a million dollars!', ========================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.

=========================  'Real Jokes', 'Stop credit card fraud', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Many folks have written with perfectly plausible explanations about why merchants take my phone number on a credit card charge. What these fail to address, however, is that if I''m perpetrating a fraud in the use of this credit card, I''m not about to give out a correct phone number. They make no effort to validate the phone number before I leave, so what they''re doing is collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people.Now then... Why are they collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people?I once asked why you are asked for your phone number when using your charge cards. The clerk explained that theives have been caught because they stupidly put down THEIR home phone number, not the phone number of the person who "owned" the card.', ==========================  'Real Jokes', 'Unpaid parking tickets', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Chicago TribuneWilliam P. Holcomb, whose job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he had 375 unpaid tickets.', ======================