TREVS--JOKES 4 U.

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   ============ Sex is Like Sex is like a restaurant. Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, And sometimes you have to be satisfied with "self-service."   After returning back from a foreign trip, Amdon asked his wife, Do I look like a foreigner? Wife : No! Why? Amdon : In China a lady asked me "Are you a foreigner?"           Amdon at the interview Interviewer : What is your birth date? Amdon : 15th November Interviewer : Which year? Amdon : EVERY YEAR

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   ============

Q: Why did the Sardar stare at a can of orange juice for four hours? A: The can had 'Concentrate' printed on it.

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   ============

'Computing Jokes', 'Ten things Bill Gates would like to change about the automotive industry', '|10. New seats would require everyone to have the same body size.9. We''d all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.8. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker--a first.7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT - but then you would have to buy more seats.3. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you''d have to buy a new car.1. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.', ======================== 'Computing Jokes', 'Abbott calling Costello', '|Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX.Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?Abbott: Yes, that''s correct.Costello: No, what is it?Abbott: Yes.Costello: So, which is the one?Abbott: No. ''which'' is used to find the program.Costello: Stop this. Who are you?Abbott: Use ''who am i'' not ''who r yoo''. You can also ''finger yoo'' to get information about ''yoo''.Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?Abbott: Use ''what''.Costello: That''s what I am trying to find out. Isn''t that true?Abbott: No. ''true'' gives you 0.Costello: Which one?Abbott: ''true'' gives you 0. ''which programname''Costello: Let''s get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?Abbott: Type ''find / -name it -print'' to find ''it''. Type ''what program'' to get the revision code.Costello: I want to find the revision code.Abbott: You can''t ''find revisioncode'', you must use ''what program''.Costello: Which command will do what I need?Abbott: No. ''which command'' will find ''command''.Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.Abbott: You can ''write that'' only if ''that'' is a user on your system.Costello: Write what?Abbott: No. ''write that''. ''what program''.Costello: Cut that out!Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for ''cut''. Don''t forget the options.Costello: Do you always do this?Abbott: ''du'' will give you disk usage.Costello: HELP!Abbott: ''help'' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).Costello: You make me angry.Abbott: No, I don''t ''make me'' angry but I did ''make programname'' when I was upset once.Costello: I don''t want to make trouble, so no more.Abbott: No ''more''? ''which'' will help you find ''more''. Every system has ''more''.Costello: Nice help! I''m confused more now!Abbott: Understand that since ''help'' is such a small program, it is better not to ''nice help''. and ''more now'' is not allowed but ''at now'' is. Unless of course ''now'' is a file name.Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.Abbott: I didn''t know you needed help with ''pc''. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.', ==============================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   ============

'Computing Jokes', 'The Twelve Bugs of Christmas', '|For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to meSee if they can do it again.For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to meAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to meTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to meSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meBlame it on the hardwareFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meChange the documentationBlame it on the hardwareFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to meSay it''s not supportedChange the documentationBlame it on the hardwareFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meTell them it''s a featureSay it''s not supportedChange the documentationBlame it on the hardwareFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.', ============================== 'Computing Jokes', 'Microsoft runs the I.R.S.', '|If Microsoft Ran The IRS "Government should be run like a business." We''ve all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobody''s favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise). -- The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsoft''s example and actually ship them the following May. -- Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users'' group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements. -- In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other country''s intellectual property. -- When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices. -- When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the original first page of your previous year''s form. -- Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the the prior year is no longer supported. -- The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsoft''s, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free phone number. -- After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication. -- The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed. -- Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for- profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice. -- The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are published.', ========================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   ============

'Computing Jokes', 'Newest MS computer game', '|Solitaire ''99Here is the README.TXT file from Microsoft''s latest software product. Microsoft Solitaire ''98README file, v4.3Welcome!Congratulations!Welcome to the wonderful world of Microsoft Solitaire ''98! This classic game has been a Windows fixture for many years, and after a long period of development, we are pleased to announce that it has been updated to take advantage of many exciting, Microsoft- pioneered technologies, such as "long filenames!" For years, our users have made demands, and Microsoft has listened. You told us that you wanted an operating system in which Solitaire was a seamless, integrated component. You wanted to blend in Solitaire with how you worked, how you played, and in general, you wanted Solitaire to *define your computing experience.* Solitaire ''98 brings this dream to a blissful reality. System Requirements:- 266 MHz Pentium II or better- 800 megabytes of free hard drive space (2.1 gigabytes recommended)- 128 megabytes of RAM (256 megabytes for Vegas scoring)Installation Procedure:1. Insert the CD-ROM entitled "Microsoft Solitaire" into your CD-ROM drive. You will need to make sure that the drive door is open before you place the disc in the tray. 2. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you may need to purchase more memory or a larger hard disk drive. See your local Microsoft-certified dealer. 3. Follow the onscreen instructions. If you cannot read, have somebody else sit through the installation procedure. 4. Insert the CD-ROM entitled "Microsoft Solitaire, Disc 2" into your CD-ROM drive. As before, ensure that the drive is open before inserting the disc in the tray. 5. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you may need to upgrade to a Microsoft "Natural" keyboard, which you can obtain from your nearest dealer. As before, follow the onscreen instructions. 6. After the installation program has completed, check your "Programs" menu for a new Solitaire ''98 entry. If the program entry was not successfully created, you may need to uninstall all local copies of Netscape Navigator and/or Communicator and restart the Solitaire installation process from scratch. Playing The Game:Assuming that Solitaire ''98 has been properly installed, you should be able to find it in your "Programs" menu (you should have verified this as part of the installation process.) Microsoft recommends that you shut down all other programs that may be running on the system before starting Solitaire ''98. To start the game, simply select it from the "Programs" menu. If the game does not start within five to seven minutes of selection, you may need to upgrade to the latest version of Microsoft Office to ensure that your system has the proper DLLs that Solitaire needs. For game rules, refer to the .HLP files for the Windows 3.1 version of Solitaire. If you don''t have these files, you can purchase them online from Microsoft at very competitive rates. Coming Soon:Minesweeper ''99!Watch this space.[ snip millions of blank lines inserted to balloon README file up to Microsoft mandatory one-megabyte minimum file size. ]', =================================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   ============

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   ============

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   ============

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   ============

'Ethnical Jokes', 'Marketing translations', '|Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn''t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin'' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won''t go." After the company figured out why it wasn''t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won''t leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope''s visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.', ======================= 'Ethnical Jokes', 'English is really crazy', '|There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren''t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write, but fingers don''t fing, grocers don''t groce, and hammers don''t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn''t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?If teachers taught, why didn''t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.',   ==================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   ============

Ethnical Jokes', 'Jump out of the plane', '|An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We''re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.', ========================  'Ethnical Jokes', 'A cultural comparison', '|Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.Brits: Can''t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad. Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.Canadians: Believe that that''s the government''s job. Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.Canadians: Can''t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.Canadians: Don''t, but only because they can''t get more American channels.Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.Aussies: Add "G''day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it. Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.', ===========================