TREVS--JOKES 4 U.

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   ========================= 'Real Jokes', 'Hunter shot by fox', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Hunter Shot to Death By a Fox, Belgrade, Associated PressA fox shot and killed a 38-year-old hunter in central Yugoslavia, the official Yugoslav news agency Tanjug reported yesterday.Salih Hajdur, a farmer from the village of Gornje Hrasno in the Republic of Bosnia-Hercegovina, went to a nearby forest Sunday to shoot a fox, Tanjug said.Hajdur wounded a fox in the leg, the agency said, but to spare the skin he did not fire again. Instead, he hit the animal with his refle butt. The struggling animal triggered a shot that hit Hajdur in the chest and killed him instantly, Tanjug said. The fox died later, Tanjug added.', ======================  'Real Jokes', 'Attorney questioning', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant''s attorney.Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight?Witness: Yes.Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere?Witness: Yes.Attorney: You further stated that during this time of seeking shelter, you turned your back to the fight at hand?Witness: Yes.Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the plaintiff''s ear??!!Witness: Yes.Attorney: Well, that makes for an interesting question then! If your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the plaintiff and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct?Witness: Yes, correct.Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the plaintiff''s ear?Witness: No.Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU "KNOW" THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE PLAINTIFF IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!!Witness: I saw him spit it out.(Dead Silence)Attorney: No more questions.', =========================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   =========================

'Real Jokes', 'Strange headline news', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A bird dropped a snake over a California power station, short-circuiting a line and causing a two-hour blackout.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A Creighton University (Nebraska) Law School senior, told she wouldn''t graduate because of a failing grade on a final exam, sued her professor, claiming he flunked her because she is "politically incorrect."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Biloxi, Mississippi, jurors acquitted a woman of drug charges, then passed the hat to collect $55 to pay her bus fare home to Texas.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A man allegedly held up 18 New York businesses after casing the places while filling out job or rental applications. The spree ended after he accidentally signed his real name on one of the forms, police said.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Harlan County, Nebraska, Assessor Floyd Schippert was unopposed in the Democratic primary, and just to be sure, he entered -- and won -- the Republican primary also.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Willie Turner wasn''t running for the Dendron, Virginia, Town Council. He didn''t even vote. But he won with five write-in votes.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A Hollywood, California man is accused of renting cars, selling them, then stealing them back for return to the rental companies.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Corpus Christi, Texas, police said it was a hit-and-gallop accident: A man crashed his truck into the back of a car, then fled on the horse he was pulling in the trailer.', ==========================  'Real Jokes', 'Candidate''s shootout', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Fargo, North Dakota:A candidate for sheriff has challenged his opponents to a shootout, calling it a test of a law officer''s ability to protect the public."Clearly, being the best shot doesn''t necessarily make you the best sheriff, but I think it proves a point," Ken Schwab said Tuesday.Schwab wants the four other candidates to meet him June 1 at a shooting range. Each will fire 24 rounds at targets to determine the best shot, Schwab said.The challenge could be a problem for one candidate -- a well-known local tax protester and convicted felon who''s not allowed to possess a firearm.', =============================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   =========================

'Real Jokes', 'Bees pay you a visit', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Patterson, New Jersey:When 60-year-old Al Asbaty returned to his car after shopping, he was startled to find that thousands of bees were building a hive inside his Oldsmobile.Due to the sunny and warm weather, he had left the windows rolled down, allowing a queen bee to fly in, followed by about 20,000 of her most faithful servants.Just as one of Asbaty''s relatives was about to spray the inside of the car with a can of insecticide, police bee expert Tom Fuscalo arrived and managed to coax the insects into an artificial hive.', ======================== 'Real Jokes', 'Free marriage ceremony', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Farmer''s Branch, Texas:Customers waiting for car repairs at Swedish Auto Incorporated now have an alternative to reading old magazines.William Signs, owner of the garage, is offering a free marriage ceremony with any 30,000-mile inspection on Hondas, Volvos and BMWs. For the $290 price of the inspection, he will throw in the cost of being married by the local justice of the peace, a $25 value.The inspection comes with a warranty, but there is no guarantee on the marriage. Then again, the justice of the peace, Judge Bob Forman, suggests, "Maybe the car will break down and the marriage won''t." He says he hasn''t seen anything like this stunt since his days as a practicing attorney, when a client asked him to draw up wills for employees in lieu of cash bonuses at Christmas.Signs said he got the idea during a trip to Las Vegas, where he noticed a helicopter operator offering free marriage ceremonies with the purchase of a deluxe helicopter ride. He decided to borrow the concept and bring some joy to the unhappy business of auto repair. "Normally people don''t get good news" at auto shops, he adds.The mechanic isn''t concerned about his offer hastening the nuptials of mismatched partners or cheapening the institution of marriage. After all, 30,000-mile inspections aren''t inexpensive. "They''re going to have to spend almost $300." he says.If the promotion proves popular, Signs is prepared to expand it to providing one-size-fits-all tuxedos and wedding dresses of the type that grooms and brides easily slip into at high-volume Las Vegas wedding chapels. For customers whose marriages fall apart, Signs is considering another bargain -- an uncontested divorce after four 30,000-mile inspections, a $100 value.To advertise the promotion, Signs sent out a mailing to prospective customers and placed an ad on the side the shop van. But the ad began two months ago, and so far no one has taken Signs up on it. He has, however, heard lots of giggles and guffaws from people who call or stop to ask if the deal is real.Meanwhile, his own Volvo is approaching another 30,000-mile point, and he''s worried that his girlfriend may notice and pressure him to cash in on his own offer. To avoid that, he says he''s considering disabling his odometer.', ======================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   =========================

'Real Jokes', 'Race dead candidates', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Martinez, California:Gus Kramer faces an unusual challenge in his race for county assessor: His opponents would rather see a dead man elected.Kramer''s only rival in the Contra Costa County race, Dan Hallissy, died of a heart attack April 10 -- too late for anyone else to run.But Hallissy''s name will remain on the ballot for the June 7 nonpartisan primary. And the incumbent assessor is working to get him elected.Voters should have "a chance to elect an honest, experienced person to this office," said assessor John Biasotti.A Hallissy victory would force a special election next March, open to any candidate.U.S. Representative Bill Baker, a Republican, also is backing the posthumous effort. His spokesman said voters should have a choice.Kramer, who briefly stopped campaigning to mark Hallissy''s death, decried the effort as a "classical case of cronyism." He said his opponents "want the taxpayer to blow $800,000," about the cost of a special election.Kramer also bristled at the charge he''s unfit for the job, citing his experience as city clerk for Martinez and as a real estate agent for the county''s Public Works Department.The assessor''s office is responsible for estimating property values in the 830,000-person county, 30 miles east of San Francisco. The job pays $84,000 a year.', ===================== 'Real Jokes', 'Technology is too good', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Seattle, Washington:The new U.S. Weather Service radar on Camano Island and atmospheric profiler at Sand Point began to pick up a mysterious 20 mile per hour wind out of the south each night about a month ago, a wind that started about sunset and ended at dawn.Forecasters finally realized the new instrument is almost too accurate for its own good: It was detecting no wind, but the annual nighttime migration of thousands of birds towards the north, said a meteorologist.', =========================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   =========================

'Real Jokes', 'Return what is stolen', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Des Moines, Iowa:A repentant burglar returned his loot to its owners, along with a note explaining why: "My priest said I done a wrong."More than $200, a pair of sunglasses and some golf balls were found Monday morning on the steps of Potthoff Foods Incorporated, a meat wholesaler."He took my sunglasses, but I didn''t know he took them until I got them back this morning," sales representative Phil Barber said. "You know, I don''t think something like this happens that often. It''s sort of neat. The guy did wrong, but he tried to make it right."The break-in at Potthoff''s happened late Friday or early Saturday. The thief pried open a door and rummaged through some desks.Potthoff officials said they''re not going to depend on the honesty of thieves'' nature in the future."We are adding an extra security system today," Barber said.', =======================  'Real Jokes', 'People with busy lives', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.St. Paul, Minnesota:For people with lots on their agenda, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing Company creates 25-inch-by-30-inch Post-It Easel Pads.', ========================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   =========================

'Real Jokes', 'Bull free in Tokoyo', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Tokyo, Japan:A bull bound for slaughter gave its handlers the slip Wednesday and escaped into Tokyo''s teeming streets.The 1,300-pound bull, shipped in from southern Japan, thundered down the gangplank as soon as it was lowered, bolted past port police and headed for the wide open spaces.More than 20 policeman chased the animal for 40 minutes through nearly three miles of city traffic before managing to herd it into the parking lot of a posh hotel. Waiting patrol cars formed a makeshift corral to avert another escape.Police then roped the bull''s horns and tied it to a tree until the owner came to transport it.', =========================  'Real Jokes', 'Closing down Denny''s', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Denny''s resturants are also open 24 hours a day. When they decided to close last Christmas (first time ever), they realized that a lot of doors did not have locks, most of those that did have locks, no one knew where to find the keys!', ============================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   =========================

'Real Jokes', 'Wrong place wrong time', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Four teenagers were arrested in the parking lot of a large mall in Lakeland, Fla., just before Christmas when, attempting to steal an automobile at random, they tried to break into a police van containing three officers on a stakeout.', ======================  'Real Jokes', 'Apple sues Apple Corp.', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Apple Corporation Sues Itself.[AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads, Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computers Corporation. The company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own machines which has helped to make the company famous.An Apple Spokesperson stated "This is no joke. If we don''t protect our copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves." The spokesperson says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apple''s in house lawyers will defend.Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. "In the old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on reality."The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college students and professionals.', ======================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   =========================

'Real Jokes', 'Who drove that bus', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.In June a replacement bus driver hired by Greyhound during the drivers'' strike met the bus he was to drive from Delaware to New York City. However, a passenger on the bus wound up driving to New York because the substitute driver could not drive a stick shift.', ========================  'Real Jokes', 'Documentation products', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.FrameMaker and Interleaf are competing documentation products. When the spelling checker of FrameMaker 2.1 encounters the word Interleaf in a document, it flags it as a misspelling. What does it offer as the correct spelling? "FrameMaker"!', =========================

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   =========================

'Real Jokes', 'Annoying phone calls', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking if he''d like to donate to the Alumni Association. Once, when checking his records, the employee asked, "Is xxx-xxxx your current phone number?Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He hasn''t heard from them since.', ============================ 'Real Jokes', 'Yankee Doodle history', '|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.The song, "Yankee Doodle" was originally sung by British Soldiers to insult the colonialists ( which was typical of the British in those days). The Continental Army took to singing it to annoy the British (which was typical of the colonialists).', =========================