TREVS NAUGHTYS--JOKES 4 U.

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   =================== A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   ===================

A family was traveling on vacation when they came across a petting zoo. The children asked if they could stop, and the parents said okay.At the zoo, they saw and touched many animals and had a great time.While driving to their next vacation stop the father noticed the kids playing with something. He asked, "What have you kids got back there?" The children then produced a very cute baby skunk. The father was horrified because he realized that they had taken this skunk from the zoo. To teach his kids a lesson he told them that if they got caught they could go to jail for this. While he was reprimanding his children, he hadn't noticed that he was speeding and had just gone through a speed trap. When the police car came after him he thought that they must have found out about the skunk and that was why they were stopping him. "Kids!" the father exclaimed, "please, not a word about the skunk!"Handing the skunk to his wife, he addressed her, saying, "Honey,please hide this little bugger 'til the cops are gone. Maybe they don't know after all, and I sure don't want to find out the hard way!" She said, "But where am I going to hide it?" "Just stuff it under your dress and make sure he doesn't wiggle around or anything," the father hurriedly replied, watching the police officer stepping out of the car. She said, "But it stinks!" The father replied, "Well, can't you just hold his little nose?"

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   ===================

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third." The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them. Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing". Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy. A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything". It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved. A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes"

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   ===================

A middle aged woman went to her cosmetic surgeon to see what her options were concerning her rapidly sagging face. "We can give you an old fashioned face-lift, or we can use a new high-tech procedure called the knob." "What is the knob, doctor?", she asked. "It is a procedure where we install a knob under the hair on the back of your head. We then connect it to the facial muscles which sag, and when you see new wrinkles and sagging, you just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin is nice and tight again." "Oh, yes! That is what I would like to have", she replied excitedly. The operation was a complete success and she looked 15 years younger. As time passed, when she would notice new sagging, she would simply tighten the knob and viola! Her face was beautiful again. One day about 8 years later she woke up one morning and saw very large bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she called her doctor and reported the bags. "You had better get right over and let me check this out!" the doctor replied. After examining her, he said "the bags under your eyes are your breasts." To which she said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee!"

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   ===================

Once in America a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey. Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?" Monkey: "Tying their belts" Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?" Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!" Officer: "What were the pilots doing?" Monkey: "Checking the system" Officer: "What were you doing?" Monkey: "Looking for my people" Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?" Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks" Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?" Monkey: "Serving the travelers" Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?" Monkey: "Handling the steering" Officer: "What were you doing?" Monkey: "Eating & throwing" Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?" Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading" Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?" Monkey: "Make up" Officer: "What were the pilots doing?" Monkey: "Handling the steering" Officer: "What were you doing?" Monkey: "Nothing" Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?" Monkey: "All were sleeping" Officer: "What were the pilots doing?" Monkey: "Handling the air hostess" Officer: What were you doing? Monkey: Handling the steering!!!! ! No more Questions!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   ===================

Little Tony Teacher: why did u laugh? Boy: I saw 1 strap of ur bra. Teacher: GET OUT of class for 1 week. 2nd boy laughed. Teacher: why did u laugh? Boy: I saw both straps. Teacher: GET OUT FOR 1 MONTH. She bent down to take chalk, Little Tony started walking out. Teacher: Tony, why are you going out? Tony: What I just saw, I think my school days are over.

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   ===================

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus so shut up."

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   ===================

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. UGLY: Your daughter has them.   Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. UGLY: You're in them.   Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a crossdresser. UGLY: He looks better than you.   Good: Your son's finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. UGLY: So are you.   Good: You give the birds and bees speech to your daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. UGLY: With corrections.   Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. UGLY: She's a lawyer.   Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: The postman had the same idea. UGLY: You have to wait.

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   ===================

Difference between world & heaven. He said, "God?" God responded, "Yes?" And the Guy said, "Can I ask a question?" "Go right ahead", God said. "God, what is a million years to you?" God said, "A million years to me is only a second." The man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny." So the man said, "God can I have a penny?" And God cheerfully said, * * * "Sure!...... .just wait a second." Oh My GOD :)

[theol...@snap.net.nz]

WOOOOPPPPEEEEEE ITS JOKE TIME.   ============

Swimming Competition There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breast-stroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."=======