[Blog/Commentary] [USA] Ask Matt: Low Sex Drive is Driving Me Up the Wall
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Stephanie Stevens
May 17, 2012, 11:02:14 AM5/17/12
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Matt Kailey, USA
Ask Matt: Low Sex Drive is Driving Me Up the Wall
May 17, 2012 by Matt Kailey
A reader writes: “I’m a trans man who has been on T coming up on two
years. I don’t have a sex drive. I got a slight taste of it for two
weeks in the beginning, then it went away for a few months, then
returned for two weeks again – but then went away again. I can’t
understand why I am missing out on this experience!
“This isn’t really the kind of question you expect, but I thought
since you no doubt hear from lots of TBoys, maybe you have heard
something like this before, and how I might fix it. It’s really,
really getting me down.”
Sex drive is an interesting phenomenon, particularly in the trans man
community, because you hear so much about it. Both estrogen and
testosterone seem to affect it, but there are many other factors, as
well.
The problem is that taking testosterone tends to significantly
increase sex drive for so many trans guys that those who don’t
experience that can feel left out and/or “abnormal.”
The reality is that sex drive varies a great deal in individual
people, both men and women, but because it is so highly valued for men
in so many cultures, we rarely hear from the men – trans or non-trans
– who do not have a strong sex drive. And if we do hear from them,
they are often misrepresenting their sex drive in an attempt to fit
in, be “manly,” or be “normal,” so we are not aware of their numbers.
In the United States, and in many other countries and cultures as
well, a strong sex drive is considered a “masculine” attribute and is
prized and rewarded almost everywhere, from college fraternities to
Congress. Men with strong sex drives are praised, while, even today, a
strong sex drive in women is frequently discouraged.
I don’t know who society thinks these men are supposed to have sex
with, because we certainly don’t want them having it with other men,
but nevertheless, the paradox continues, the expectations continue,
and even men who aren’t all that interested in having sex with anyone
are not going to admit it for fear of social repercussions.
Even surveys are misleading. Both men and women have a tendency to
over-report or under-report sex drive and sexual activity depending on
the purpose of the survey and who’s administering it. Self-reporting
can be highly inaccurate. And casual conversation is even more
inaccurate, so we often misjudge the “fun” that everyone else is
having when compared to our own.
So a low or even nonexistent sex drive is not, in and of itself, a
problem. It becomes a problem when it is making you unhappy and when
you see it as a problem – and, in this case, you do. So let’s look at
a few things that might contribute to a lower-than-you-want sex drive:
> Low testosterone levels. In non-trans men (and women), lower testosterone levels can contribute to a lower sex drive. You might want to check with your doctor and have your levels measured. If you are comfortable talking to your doc about sex drive in particular, ask him or her about this and whether or not you can increase your dose and if that might make a difference.
> Other physical problems. Again, if you’re comfortable talking to your doc about this situation, he or she might be able to look for other possible physical or health problems that could be contributing to a lack of interest in sex.
> Body image. Do you feel sexually attractive? Do you feel okay with your body or are you uncomfortable about it? A discomfort with your body can cause disinterest in sex if you don’t want others to see it or touch it, and if you don’t want to see it or touch it yourself. Working with a therapist might help alleviate this.
> Other psychological issues. Is there anything in your history that might cause you to have a disinterest in sex, such as a bad sexual experience, child sexual abuse, or rape? Sexual desire can be influenced by the mind as much as by the body. We tend to think of sex drive as a biological function that simply occurs naturally in people, but it can be heavily influenced by psychological factors. Again, working with a therapist might help alleviate this.
> Religion or other family or cultural expectations. If you belong to a religion that discourages sexual enjoyment, or if you were raised in a family or in a culture that frowns on sexual enjoyment, that could hamper your interest in sex without you even realizing it. Also, if you were socialized as a female and discouraged from being interested in sex or acting on your sexual desires, that socialization could be affecting your ability to enjoy your sexual feelings now, and therapy might be able to help with this.
If your testosterone levels are fine, your physical health is fine,
and you have no other issues that might be preventing you from
acknowledging your sexual desire, then you could just be one of those
people who does not have a strong sex drive. Being horny all the time
isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be, and that initial teenaged
horniness that often comes from taking testosterone generally goes
away with time, anyway.
You are two years out with your testosterone. Even if your sex drive
had gone through the roof when you started, it would have calmed down
by now. It might still be at a higher level than you had experienced
it as a female, but it would not be at that fever pitch that can
accompany a “second puberty.” It can be fun while it lasts, but it can
also be uncomfortable and anxiety-producing.
The most important thing is that you enjoy sex, if that is important
to you (there are people for whom that is not important, and that’s
okay, too). You might not want to have it as frequently as some people
do, but when you do have it (alone or with someone else), do you like
it? If you don’t like it, but you want to like it, that might be
another thing to discuss with your doctor or therapist. If you don’t
care, then it doesn’t matter.
The vast majority of people on earth – men and women, trans and
non-trans – spend the vast majority of their time not having sex. So
don’t let a low sex drive discourage you from enjoying all the other
aspects of your life.
And don’t be intimidated by the tales of others. Remember, those who
believe that they are experiencing what they “should” be or what is
expected of them tend to talk about it more than those who don’t. And
those who are not experiencing what they think they “should” might
misrepresent their feelings in order to be one of the crowd. This goes
for both trans and non-trans people. You are probably not missing out
on nearly as much as it seems.
Readers, what do you think? Suggestions?
http://tranifesto.com/2012/05/17/ask-matt-low-sex-drive-is-driving-me-up-the-wall/
Ask Matt: Low Sex Drive is Driving Me Up the Wall
May 17, 2012 by Matt Kailey
A reader writes: “I’m a trans man who has been on T coming up on two
years. I don’t have a sex drive. I got a slight taste of it for two
weeks in the beginning, then it went away for a few months, then
returned for two weeks again – but then went away again. I can’t
understand why I am missing out on this experience!
“This isn’t really the kind of question you expect, but I thought
since you no doubt hear from lots of TBoys, maybe you have heard
something like this before, and how I might fix it. It’s really,
really getting me down.”
Sex drive is an interesting phenomenon, particularly in the trans man
community, because you hear so much about it. Both estrogen and
testosterone seem to affect it, but there are many other factors, as
well.
The problem is that taking testosterone tends to significantly
increase sex drive for so many trans guys that those who don’t
experience that can feel left out and/or “abnormal.”
The reality is that sex drive varies a great deal in individual
people, both men and women, but because it is so highly valued for men
in so many cultures, we rarely hear from the men – trans or non-trans
– who do not have a strong sex drive. And if we do hear from them,
they are often misrepresenting their sex drive in an attempt to fit
in, be “manly,” or be “normal,” so we are not aware of their numbers.
In the United States, and in many other countries and cultures as
well, a strong sex drive is considered a “masculine” attribute and is
prized and rewarded almost everywhere, from college fraternities to
Congress. Men with strong sex drives are praised, while, even today, a
strong sex drive in women is frequently discouraged.
I don’t know who society thinks these men are supposed to have sex
with, because we certainly don’t want them having it with other men,
but nevertheless, the paradox continues, the expectations continue,
and even men who aren’t all that interested in having sex with anyone
are not going to admit it for fear of social repercussions.
Even surveys are misleading. Both men and women have a tendency to
over-report or under-report sex drive and sexual activity depending on
the purpose of the survey and who’s administering it. Self-reporting
can be highly inaccurate. And casual conversation is even more
inaccurate, so we often misjudge the “fun” that everyone else is
having when compared to our own.
So a low or even nonexistent sex drive is not, in and of itself, a
problem. It becomes a problem when it is making you unhappy and when
you see it as a problem – and, in this case, you do. So let’s look at
a few things that might contribute to a lower-than-you-want sex drive:
> Low testosterone levels. In non-trans men (and women), lower testosterone levels can contribute to a lower sex drive. You might want to check with your doctor and have your levels measured. If you are comfortable talking to your doc about sex drive in particular, ask him or her about this and whether or not you can increase your dose and if that might make a difference.
> Other physical problems. Again, if you’re comfortable talking to your doc about this situation, he or she might be able to look for other possible physical or health problems that could be contributing to a lack of interest in sex.
> Body image. Do you feel sexually attractive? Do you feel okay with your body or are you uncomfortable about it? A discomfort with your body can cause disinterest in sex if you don’t want others to see it or touch it, and if you don’t want to see it or touch it yourself. Working with a therapist might help alleviate this.
> Other psychological issues. Is there anything in your history that might cause you to have a disinterest in sex, such as a bad sexual experience, child sexual abuse, or rape? Sexual desire can be influenced by the mind as much as by the body. We tend to think of sex drive as a biological function that simply occurs naturally in people, but it can be heavily influenced by psychological factors. Again, working with a therapist might help alleviate this.
> Religion or other family or cultural expectations. If you belong to a religion that discourages sexual enjoyment, or if you were raised in a family or in a culture that frowns on sexual enjoyment, that could hamper your interest in sex without you even realizing it. Also, if you were socialized as a female and discouraged from being interested in sex or acting on your sexual desires, that socialization could be affecting your ability to enjoy your sexual feelings now, and therapy might be able to help with this.
If your testosterone levels are fine, your physical health is fine,
and you have no other issues that might be preventing you from
acknowledging your sexual desire, then you could just be one of those
people who does not have a strong sex drive. Being horny all the time
isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be, and that initial teenaged
horniness that often comes from taking testosterone generally goes
away with time, anyway.
You are two years out with your testosterone. Even if your sex drive
had gone through the roof when you started, it would have calmed down
by now. It might still be at a higher level than you had experienced
it as a female, but it would not be at that fever pitch that can
accompany a “second puberty.” It can be fun while it lasts, but it can
also be uncomfortable and anxiety-producing.
The most important thing is that you enjoy sex, if that is important
to you (there are people for whom that is not important, and that’s
okay, too). You might not want to have it as frequently as some people
do, but when you do have it (alone or with someone else), do you like
it? If you don’t like it, but you want to like it, that might be
another thing to discuss with your doctor or therapist. If you don’t
care, then it doesn’t matter.
The vast majority of people on earth – men and women, trans and
non-trans – spend the vast majority of their time not having sex. So
don’t let a low sex drive discourage you from enjoying all the other
aspects of your life.
And don’t be intimidated by the tales of others. Remember, those who
believe that they are experiencing what they “should” be or what is
expected of them tend to talk about it more than those who don’t. And
those who are not experiencing what they think they “should” might
misrepresent their feelings in order to be one of the crowd. This goes
for both trans and non-trans people. You are probably not missing out
on nearly as much as it seems.
Readers, what do you think? Suggestions?
http://tranifesto.com/2012/05/17/ask-matt-low-sex-drive-is-driving-me-up-the-wall/
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