[Commentary] [USA] 'Going Stealth': A Complicated and Dynamic Family Decision

[Stephanie Stevens]

Huffington Post, USA


Wayne Maines

Father, storyteller, and advocate for change

'Going Stealth': A Complicated and Dynamic Family Decision

Posted: 08/06/2012 1:49 pm


A few years ago we had to move to a new town, to a new school. Ongoing
bullying, harassment and discrimination left us with no choice but to
leave our beautiful home, our friends and our community. We are not
alone. Families raising transgender children face the same plight
throughout the nation. Many live in secrecy and we all must make
difficult decisions to keep our children safe.

One of the first decisions is whether to tell others that our children
are transgender. This decision is often dynamic, as the environments
change, we have to change, too. Not telling our schools and community
is called "Going Stealth." Going stealth often starts as early as
preschool. It is a simpler time in many ways. No one need's to know
except family, doctors and a small inner circle of friends. Later, in
elementary school, we often decide to leave stealth mode to inform
teachers, staff and sometimes community leaders that we have a
transgender child. It is not an easy decision. Doing so creates new
challenges and bigger fears.

We thought it was necessary to tell our school administrators,
teachers, staff and coaches that Nicole was transgender. We relied
upon them to protect her at school, on the playground, during sports
and field trips. We were still well-aware that telling the wrong
person could ruin her day, risk her safety and have dire consequences
that we might not understand. In the end, disclosure prevailed. Asking
them to keep us in a semi-stealth world seemed like the right choice.

In the fifth grade, stealth world ended. There was no holding Nicole
back. She openly attended school as her real self, proudly saying I am
transgender. She was well-received by her classmates and school
community. She was full of joy and confidence until people that fear
these beautiful young children turned her world upside down. To keep
our family safe we moved and returned to stealth world.

It was a very difficult time in so many ways. Imagine a brother and
sister keeping this vital secret at such a young age. Every day we
worried that someone might find out and we would have to move again.
Of course there were a few positives. Nicole was allowed to use the
girls bathroom, she made new friends, went to school dances and our
family was no longer in the news. But she had no close friends, no
sleepovers and constantly worried that she might slip up and break the
family code. This new stealth world was safer, but still very harmful.

Of course, stealth world seldom lasts for long. Surprisingly, it was
not the kids who gave up our secret. While they attended their new
middle school we learned that Bill LD 1046
<http://www.mainelegislature.org/legis/bills/bills_125th/billtexts/HP078101.asp>
had been submitted to roll back transgender protections that exist in
Maine. It was a very sad day in our home when we heard this news. We
wondered how to tell Nicole she could lose more. Deciding to leave
stealth world required long discussions within our inner circle and a
great deal of worrying. In the end we decided to speak out and let
Nicole have a voice. It was a scary time, but the outcome was amazing.
he bill was defeated and our children learned that getting involved
and having a strong voice is a powerful tool.

Going stealth is only one of the many complicated decisions that we
must make while raising our children. We have very few real choices to
protect our children from harm. Choices like trying to determine if
our current school will really be supportive when the chips are down,
moving to a new town that might not be any better and leaving our jobs
for new jobs that might not be secure or splitting up our families to
be able to pay bills. They are hard choices like home schooling with
little or no resources or remaining at an unsupportive school and
looking for professional help where very little exists.

A few families are lucky and have found amazing schools that welcome
their children with open arms, but these schools are few and far
between. We are lucky enough to live close to the Boston Children's
Hospital. Others are not so lucky. We all need more help and better
choices. We are looking for supportive schools, trained doctors and
counselors that have experience working with transgender youth,
coaches, teachers, community leaders and churches that will welcome
our children with open arms. We need legal assistance and we need our
political leaders to step up and demand change.

Families are suffering because they are in stealth mode and they often
suffer when they come out. They are scared, lack resources and wonder
what other challenges the next day might bring as their child demands
to be their real self. They do not want to move. They cannot afford to
have travel hundreds of miles to find professional help and they want
a stable environment at home and at school.

We can help make this happen! Contact your state leaders and ask them
to support the Student Non Discrimination Act
<http://www.govtrack.us/congress/bills/112/hr998> (SNDA). SNDA is
designed to protect all LGBT children. This is a strong step forward
to ensure that LGBT children in our schools have the same rights as
their classmates. Through this legislation and further outreach we can
also build a stronger and larger support system for transgender
children and their families.

Parents will always worry about their children. It is what we do. But
living in the United States of America should not require we worry
every waking moment. We should not have to move in the middle of the
night or cry because we cannot provide our child with the resources
they need to grow. I am hopeful that someday, "Going Stealth" will no
longer be in our vocabulary. Please help make this happen, speak out
in your community and be prepared to vote for leaders that are willing
to standup for LGBT youth.


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