[Blog/Commentary] [USA] Guest Post: Being the Spouse of a Trans Clergy Man

[Stephanie Stevens]

GLAAD, USA


GLAAD BLOG

Guest Post: Being the Spouse of a Trans Clergy Man

Saturday, November 17, 2012 - 2:00pm by


Deborah Weekley is a mother of 5 children and grandmother of 6.
Deborah is a licensed massage therapist, providing safe space for
LGTBQ persons, especially transgender persons, who wish personal
healing through bodywork. Her hobbies include bead art, paper art and
spiritual drumming. Deborah is also the spouse of Rev. David Weekley
<http://www.shermanswilderness.org/> , one of two openly transgender
clergy serving the United Methodist Church. She has recently
contributed to a forthcoming book: Hung Jury: Testimonies of Genital
Surgery by Transsexual Men, edited by Trystan Cotten, which explores
the relationships between transgender men and their partners. She
shares her story below as a part of Transgender Awareness Week
<http://www.glaad.org/transawarenessweek> about her life and
relationship with her husband.

--

As Transgender Day of Remembrance 2012 draws near, I am aware that
TDOR has expanded into Transgender Awareness Week. This brings more
opportunities to further educate the general public and build
awareness of the presence and needs of transgender/transsexual persons
within society. I was asked to blog about my experience as the
spouse of a transgender man because this is a perspective about which
little is written.

In many ways, marriage to a transsexual man is just like being married
to any partner. Some days it’s awesome and some days it’s a little
not so awesome. In other words, life has its ups and downs. Any
relationship that is a long term, a through thick and thin kind of
relationship, needs to be worked on continually to stay healthy and
grow. I am fortunate. The foundation of my relationship with David
is based on love and respect. I celebrate him as a person. We have
much in common, including a love of God, a sense of calling and deeply
held values. We share a love of music, art, nature, gardening,
walking, good food, stargazing, ocean watching etc. The fact that he
transitioned female to male 38+ years ago is almost irrelevant. Most
days we do not think about it.

It is not irrelevant to some others, however. We know this from
personal experience. We pass easily in public as a heterosexual
couple. I do not think of David as a “former” woman. He is David, my
husband, my male heterosexual spouse, my honey, my lover, my guy, my
hero, my best friend. But I am always shocked when someone might
comment to David, “you used to be a woman, right?”

I was surprised this summer as we packed up to move 3500+ miles across
the country, that I began to worry about how our new neighbors,
community members, health professionals, property managers, utility
company’s etc., would treat us if they knew David was a transsexual
man! In Portland, and even the greater North West we have been so out
since 2009, most people we interacted with knew our story. I never
gave it much thought after the shock of coming out had subsided. I
knew who celebrated us and who did not. I felt we had a good support
group, supportive, safe medical and dental providers. After the
initial months following the sharing of our story I no longer worried
much about someone coming at David with a gun during worship. Life had
settled into a new normal.

However, driving and moving across country brought these fears back to
the surface. There were parts of the country in which we did not
feel safe. We were grateful for no medical emergencies along the way.
We carried antibiotics just in case. When we arrived in Boston and
faced locating a new church as well as secular communities, such as
doctors, dentists, shifting from a parsonage to a rental property,
utilities, needing all new services and having all new neighbors,
anxiety increased. I find I am not so eager to tell others our
personal story of David’s transition. I want to keep a low profile and
avoid hassles. I do not feel like telling our new neighbors. What if
they are not friendly, open and inclusive-folks? What would happen to
us then? Isn’t it just better to be out on a “need to know” basis?
Less hassle seems to mean less vulnerability.

It makes me sad to have to think of these truths. It makes me aware
once again that one needs to be prudent in this world. The trip
reminded me that being married to a transsexual man brings things to
the table that cis-gendered heterosexual married couples may not have
to think about. I feel very protective of my husband, our privacy and
our lives.

Among transgender partnered couples we are fortunate because David
passes so well. We can blend. We are not among those transgender
couples that stand out and are often harassed simply for being who
they are and loving who they love. Some people risk even their very
lives being out in public together and showing any affection for one
another. I grieve for this population of people. We do not forget,
this is one of the reasons we choose to be “OUT”, to advocate for and
stand with our marginalized population.

So what is it like being married to a transgender clergy man? It is
like being married to a cause! A privileged cause because #1 I am
married to such a wonderful person, and #2 I am able to stand in
solidarity with a marginalized population. To be a public face of love
and marriage within the transgender community is important because
decisions about marriage and equality affect us too.

At the most recent General Conference of the United Methodist Church,
I heard many delegates (62%) describe and vote that our love is akin
to bestiality, call for us to be stoned to death and lumped us
together with our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters as those
“Incompatible with Christian teachings and therefore unfit to serve”,
i.e. even exist! As long as oppression and prejudice remain, we
remain dedicated to the work of advocacy and will continue being
public.

Yes a cause, letting people know we exist, we love each other, and we
are just like any other couple with hopes, dreams and aspirations.
Unlike many couples, we live with angst about our future because of
David’s gender identity. Will David ever serve another church? Will
our marriage continued to be honored? Will our new communities accept
us and support us when they know the whole story? During this 2012
Transgender Awareness Week and Transgender Day of Remembrance, these
questions remain to be answered. Living into each new day we will
continue to love one another, to speak out and to live in hope!


http://www.glaad.org/blog/guest-post-being-spouse-trans-clergy-man