baseball funnies x2

[Jack Downs]

Satchel Praise 

  In Babe Ruth's first year with the Yankees, he drew Ping Bodie for a roommate.  But they were roomies in name only.

  The Babe was such a playboy that Bodie saw little of him.  Someone once asked him, "Who are you rooming with?"

  "Babe Ruth's valises," he replied.

Among the Missing

  After getting blasted for six hits and seven runs in three innings, Paul Foytack, the Tiger right-hander, explained that his fast ball didn't have that little something extra--"and when that little something extra is missing, generally a lot of baseballs are too."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Taylor-Made

  The Cubs went into 1958 spring training with three Taylors--infielder Tony Taylor, catcher Sam Taylor, and pitcher Taylor Phillips.  "It figures," remarked a sportswriter.  "They can't have too many tailors for all the holes in the club."

Fit to Be Tied

Having traded so often with the Yankees, Kansas City is suspected of having ties with the New York club.  The Kansas City sportswriters deny this.  "We have no ties with the Yankees," they say, "just defeats."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Farewell to Arms

 During a sixteen-inning game with the Dodgers early in the 1957 season, the Cardinals fielded an outfield consisting of Del Ennis, Chuck Harmon, and Wally Moon.

  "Look at that Venus de Milo outfield," rasped a reporter in the press box.  "Beautiful, but no arms."

Long Way Around

  The pitcher refused to leave the mound. "Gee," he told his manager, "I can handle the next hitter. I struck him out the first time I faced him."

  "Yeah, " replied the manager sadly, "but that was this inning."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Short Stay

  After being sold to Toronto because he couldn't hit a curveball, Joe Kelly was stopped at the Canadian border by the immigration officials.  "How long do you expect to stay in Canada," asked one of the officials.

  "Until they start throwing curves," promptly answered Joe.

Time Off

  With the opening of the season just twenty-four hours away, the office boy applied for a day off.  

  "What is it this time?"  snapped the office manager.  "You've asked  time off for your grandfather's funeral four times already."

  "Today," replied the boy, "my grandmother's getting married again."

Happy Thanksgiving!

JD

  

[Jack Downs]

Fair Trade

  Bubber Jonnard, Kansas City scout, received a letter from a young pitcher who asked for a chance to prove himself.  "I have a fast ball like an intercontinental missile, a curve that arcs like a satellite, and a drop that dives like the Nautilus."

  "Did you bring him in for a look?"  Bubber was asked.

  "I sure did," grinned Bubber, "then I traded him to the Defense Department for two space cadets."

Jumping Jack

Jack Harshman, the big left-handed pitcher, came up to the big leagues as a first baseman.  Asked why he gave up infielding for the mound, he replied, "If you don't succeed at first, try pitching."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Kelley Green

  Lefty Gomez once got involved in an argument with Jimmy Dykes on how to pitch to a hitter with two men on base.  After a heated discussion, they decided to get Mike Kelley, one of the most respected experts in the game, to settle the argument.

  The pair found Kelley in bed.  "Wake up, Mike," Gomez yelled, "we want to ask you a question."

  "Go away," Kelley replied.  "Wait till tomorrow."

  "What- and leave two men on base?" quipped Gomez.

"Cell" Out

Lefty was scheduled to pitch an exhibition game for a team whose first baseman was having income tax trouble. Gomez was asked how he felt about having a first baseman who might be in jail by the time the game started.

  "Well," he answered, "it'll be an awful long throw for the shortstop."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Larceny Foiled

  Lefty Gomez was one of the worst hitters in history.  One afternoon, he unexpectedly found himself on third base and he immediately suggested to Coach Fletcher that he be permitted to steal home.

  "Steal home!" Fletcher exploded.  "Why, it's taken you five years to get this far. Stick around awhile and enjoy it!"

Alias John Doe

Lefty watched a rookie pitcher unload a gopher ball with the bases full.  As the rookie walked to the showers, he stopped in front of Lefty's box.

  "Tell me, Mr. Gomez," He said, "how would you have pitched that ball?"

  "Under an assumed name," replied Gomez. 

JD

[Jack Downs]

Hanky-Panky

  Lefty Gomez once set a snare for Hank Greenberg.  When he got two strikes on Hank, Bill Dickey was to step out of the catcher's box as if Gomez were going to throw a pitchout.  Then, as Hank relaxed, Dickey was to jump back and Gomez was to fire one over the plate for the third strike.

  At this point, somebody will always ask, "well, how did it work out?"

  "I don't know," Gomez will answer. "I could never get two strikes on the guy!"

Bases Loaded Question

  Since the opponents had just loaded the bases, Manager Joe McCarthy came out to talk it over with his wacky left-hander.

  "Lefty," began McCarthy, "I just want you to know that the bases are full."

  Gomez stared at him.  "Who do you think I thought those guys were--extra infielders?"

JD

[Roland Farmer]

Great funnies, Jack, sure appreciate the laughs!

Rol

[Jack Downs]

Glad you enjoy them! 

[Jack Downs]

Sound Barrier

   At Shibe Park one Sunday, the woefully weak hitting Gomez was batting against Lefty Grove, who was throwing darts.  Grove whizzed one by Gomez, then another.  As the third pitch landed in Mickey Cochrane's mitt, Umpire Ormsby called, "Strike three!"

  Gomez , who hadn't moved the bat from his shoulder, turned to the umpire.

  "Say, Ump," he protested, "don't you think that last one sounded low?"

Labels Up

  The first time Lefty Gomez came to bat, he walked over to the rack and started inspecting the lumber.  "I've heard of Hornsby and Hafey and Klein," he said, reading the names off the bats.  "But who is this guy 'Fungo'?

JD

[Jack Downs]

Lefty Goes Broaca

  Lefty Gomez won the opener, 1-0, in eleven innings, and chief scout Paul Krichell was seated in the Yankee royal box nervously sweating out the debut of Krichell's prize find, Johnny Broaca, just out of Yale.

  Broaca walked the first batter. And the second. And the third.  He had three balls and no strikes on the fourth when an usher tapped Krichell on the shoulder.

  "Lefty Gomez wants to see you, Mr. Krichell, down in right field," said the usher. "Says it's very urgent."

  The royal box in Yankee Stadium rests in the mezzanine on the third-base side of the field.  From there to right field in the lower stands is a long, long hike.  But Krich made it in nothing flat, keeping an eye on Broaca all the way.

  "What's the matter?" he demanded of Gomez.

  "Look at all those horse collars on the board," murmured El Goofy blandly, pointing to the inning score of the first game.  "Don't you wish you had discovered me instead of Broaca?"

JD

[Jack Downs]

Mien Overboard

 Lefty Gomez had little patience with the type of phony who would feign rage after a losing effort.  A mediocre Cleveland pitcher was once battered out of the box.  But before leaving, he threw his glove into the air, kicked at the dirt, snarled at the umpire.

  One of the pitcher's teammates shook his head. "That guy was always temperamental."

  "He's temperamental all right," Gomez remarked. "But it's ninety-eight per cent temper and two per cent mental."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Study in Still Life

 One of the most astonishing of Lefty Gomez's  stunts was stopping in the middle of a World Series game to watch a plane buzzing by.  Though he eventually retired the batter-Mel Ott--

 Manger Joe McCarthy was fuming when Lefty returned to the bench.

  "That was a crazy thing to do," Joe grumbled. "You can't take your mind off the game with a hitter like Ott up. He can slug one right out of the park."

  "With the ball in my hand?"  softly replied Gomez.

JD

[Jack Downs]

Deflating Bobo

 When Joe DiMaggio broke into the American League, Bobo Newson boasted he could stop him. "I'll find his weakness when I pitch against him," he bragged.

 He received his chance a couple of days later- and DiMaggio slammed three two-baggers in a row against him.

 After the game, Gomez ran into Newsom and said, "Congratulations."

 "What for?"  sourly replied Bobo.

 "For finding DiMaggio's weakness.  The guy can't hit anything but two-baggers."

Unbroadening Travel

  After graduating from Harvard, Charlie Devens reported to the Yankees carrying a suitcase plastered with travel stickers from all over the world.  The great Lefty Gomez studied all the stickers carefully,  then turned to Devens and said:

  "Y'ever been to Newark, kid?"

JD

[Jack Downs]

Slicing It Thin

 Joe McCarthy was always concerned about Gomez's thinness.  Though Lefty had a tremendous year in 1934 , winning twenty-six and losing just five, McCarthy still recommended a body - building program.

 "Put on another 20 pounds, Lefty, and you'll make them forget every southpaw who's ever pitched in the league."

 Over the winter, Gomez gorged himself on all sorts of rich foods. He reported to spring training more than 20 pounds heavier than he'd ever been in his life. He went on to chalk up a dismal 12-15 record for the year.

 "Joe," he told his manager, "you told me to gain weight so I could make everybody forget about all the left-handers who've pitched in this league. Well, if I gain any more weight, I'll probably make them forget about Gomez, too!"

JD

[Jack Downs]

Quicky Quiz

 It was the fifth inning, no one was on base, and two were out. Suddenly, Gomez wheeled and threw to second base.

 The startled Tony Lazzeri caught the ball and came rushing to the mound. "What's the idea?" he snarled.

 Gomez looked at him calmly. "It's this way, Tony," he explained. "You're so smart, I just wanted to see what you'd do with the ball."

There's No Tomorrow

 Lefty's fiancee, June O'Dea, dropped into the Stadium to see him pitch for the first time. Lefty pitched his heart out, but lost a fourteen-inning thriller, 1-0.

 June tried to console him afterward. "Never mind, honey," she said. "You'll beat 'em tomorrow."

 "Tomorrow!" screamed Gomez. "You must have me mixed up with Iron-Man McGinnity!"

JD

[Jack Downs]

Hard and Fast

  Came the time when Gomez bade farewell to the American League and joined the Braves at their spring camp.  He listened to Casey Stengel discussing strategy ( which he had learned under the great brain, John McGraw ) with his collection of castoffs.

 When the meeting ended, Gomez snorted, "The trouble with the National League is that McGraw's been dead for years and you fellows don't know it."

 "The trouble with you," he was reminded, "is that you're not throwing half as hard as you used to."

  "That," said Lefty, "is where you're wrong.  I'm throwing twice as hard, but the ball is going only half as fast."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Joins the Party

 After Gomez wound up his career in the majors, he became manager at Binghamton in the Eastern League. As a manager, his prime feat was keeping his sanity and sense of humor.

  One day he was coaching at third base. A rookie runner was on second and another man on first. The batter hit to right and everybody lit out at top speed. The rookie rounded third, started for home, then paused to make sure he had gotten the sign to keep going. He glanced back at Gomez, wavered, saw the throw coming, and slid back to third--in time to meet the runner from first zooming in with a beautiful slide.

 Gomez gazed sadly at his two heroes sprawled over the same base. "Oh, what the heck," he mumbled. And he slid in to join them.

JD

[Jack Downs]

A Boast in the Nose

  As a kid pitcher in the minor leagues, Lefty once found himself several months behind in his rent. One evening his landlady pressed him for her due.

   Gomez tried to appeal to her. "Just think," he said, "someday you'll be able to say Lefty Gomez once lived here."

  "Yes," she snapped, "and unless I see some money right now, I'll be able to say it tomorrow."

Rubber Dub-Dub

  At the time it was thinking of changing the size of the pitching rubber, the American League asked the advice of its greatest pitcher, Lefty Gomez.  "It makes no difference to me," shrugged Gomez.

 "But it should," insisted a club president. "After all, your bread and butter depends on where you stand on the pitching rubber."

  "Look, mister," replied Gomez, "I never fooled anyone with my feet."

Happy Holidays to all!

JD

[Jack Downs]

Lost in the Woods

  In a tight game one afternoon, Yogi came to bat with the bases loaded and took three called strikes without moving the bat off his shoulder.  He then returned to the dugout, tossed his club toward the rack, and remarked, "That bat ain't got no wood in it."

Swing Time

The classic Berra-ism, of course, concerns the time Casey Stengel tried to break him of swinging at bad balls. "Study the pitcher," Stengel advised.  "Study every throw carefully."

  Berra listened attentively, nodded, then went up and whiffed on three perfect strikes.

  "Whaddayu expect me to do?" he growled when he returned to the bench.  "Swing and think at the same time?"

JD

  

[Jack Downs]

Where There's Life

 One of the Yankees' favorite diversions on train trips is the game of "Twenty Questions."  On the nineteenth question of one particular game, Yogi Berra asked, Is the subject living?"  The answer was "Yes."

  Yogi pondered a moment, then stunned his fellow players with, "Is he living now?"

Poison-Ally Speaking

 Another Yogi Berra tale concerns his visit to the St. Petersburg waterfront to watch a yacht race.  One of the boats was flying a Jolly Roger pennant, complete with the pirates' skull and crossbones.  "Know what that means?" Yogi was asked.

  "Sure," answered Yogi.  "Iodine."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Study in Brown

 Inasmuch as Yogi's favorite reading is the comics, he was always in awe of his ex-roommate, Bobby Brown. Bobby, now a full-fledged doctor, always carried something "heavy" with him.

  One evening Yogi saw Bobby poring over a fat text on anatomy. Yogi didn't say anything until he saw Bobby close the thick volume, then he brightly asked, "Hey, Bobby, how did it come out?"

Found Money

 A sportswriter, aware of Berra's love for money, asked him what he'd do if he found a million dollars. Berra pondered a moment. "Well, if the guy who lost it was real poor, I'd give it back to him."

JD

[Jack Downs]

A Boyd in the Hand

 On another occasion, Yogi asked Bobby Brown for the title of the huge medical tome Bobby was toting around. "Oh, it's just Boyd's Pathology of Internal Medicine," answered Bobby.

 "What's it about?" Yogi wanted to know.

  "Well, I'll try to make it plain and simple," replied Bobby with a twinkle in his eye.  "It's a book which embraces both therapeutics and pharmacology."

  "I get it," Berra enthused. "Something like Buck Rogers uses when he gets into a jam!"

Meeting of Minds

 Yogi once asked a National League manager whether he thought Willie Mays could hit a longer ball than Ted Williams.

 The manager, not wishing to stick his neck out, replied, "Maybe."

  "Yeah," remarked Yogi, "that's what I think, too."

JD

[Jack Downs]

No Kidding

Though Yogi isn't a troublemaker for umpires, he has a habit of grumbling on practically every pitch.  One day his muttering became a little too loud, and Umpire Cal Hubbard stopped the game.

  "Yogi"," he said, "there's no point in our both umpiring the game.  One of us has to go, and it breaks my heart to tell you that it's going to be you."

  Yogi looked injured. "Don't thumb me out, Cal, I'll be quiet. Besides, you oughta know when I'm kidding and when I'm ferocious."

Old Bags

  On a trip to Chicago, Mickey Mantle took a look at Yogi's battered luggage and shook his head.

  "Gee, Yogi," he said, "with all your dough, you certainly could treat yourself to some new luggage."

  "Why get new luggage?" Berra replied. "You only use it for traveling."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Head Shrinker

  When the Yankees reported for spring training a couple of seasons ago, Yogi was sent to the clubhouse to be measured for his new uniform.

  "What size hat do you wear?" he was asked.

  "About a seven and an eighth," he replied.

  "Isn't that a bit small for you," asked the equipment manager, eying Yogi's large head.

  "Maybe it is right now," said Yogi.  "But I'll be losing weight between now and opening day!"

JD

  

[Jack Downs]

Over the Table

 Andy Carey was credited with being the biggest eater on the Yankees, if not in the entire American League.  One evening he had put away two dinners and was gazing with envy at a big sirloin steak that had just been put in front of  Yogi Berra.

 "Don't tell me," pleaded Carey, 'that you're going to eat that huge steak alone?"

  "Of course not," snapped Yogi, tucking his napkin carefully under his chin.  "With potatoes."

Under Suspicion

  Yogi, they say, was taking his first high school examination. He answered every question--wrong. The teacher called him to her office.

  "Larry," she said, "I don't believe you know anything ."

  "Miss Adams," replied young Lawrence Berra, "I don't even suspect anything."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Yogi Waves His Rights

 The batter lofted a high pop down the third-base line and Yogi and Clete Boyer both went after it. They collided and the ball fell safe.

  Clete turned a stern face upon the veteran catcher, "What's the matter, Yogi, couldn't you yell for it?"

  "Sure," replied Berra, "but I thought you could hear me waving at you."

Stranger than Fiction

 Asked by a Florida writer how he likes training in the state, Yogi thought awhile, then replied, "I like it okay. The climate's good and you meet so many new strangers."

JD

[Jack Downs]

The Philadelphia Tory

 The first time Yogi appeared in Philadelphia, Manager Joe McCarthy decided to take the team on a tour of the city. He took them to see Independence Hall, the Liberty Bell, and all the other historical landmarks. In each place, a professional guide would rattle off the significance of what they were seeing. 

  Yogi looked interested but puzzled. Finally he nudged Allie Reynolds. "Hey, Allie, tellme: When did all this here take place?"

Call of the Wild

 Famous as a bad-ball hitter, Yogi Berra went fishing for a terrible pitch very high and very out-side, and struck out. A deep silence greeted him on his return to the dugout. Yogi waited vainly for a word from someone. Finally he blurted:

  "How can a pitcher that wild stay in  the league?"

JD

[Jack Downs]

Rasp-Berra 

  Yogi Berra and Bobby Richardson, waiting for a telecast, were watching a studio artist doodling. The fellow had drawn a picture of a stagecoach, without wheels.

  "That's pretty good," said Bobby. "But I don't see any wheels. What holds the stagecoach up?"

  "The bad guys," cracked Yogi.

Trademark's the Spot

  When Hank Aaron came up to bat in the first inning of the 1958 World Series, Berra, behind the plate, noticed that the trademark on the bat was down.

  "Say, Hank," said Yogi, "you don't want to break that bat. Better turn it around so you can read the trademark."

  "Yogi," Aaron grunted, "I didn't come up here to read."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Table Service 

A long line of diners stood behind the rope waiting for a table, as Yogi and his buddy, Whitey Ford, entered the restaurant. The Yankee catcher studied the mob for a moment, then snorted  to Whitey:

"No wonder nobody comes here. It's too crowded."

Tars and Stripes

  Yogi was talking up old times with Coach Frank Crosetti. "Remember the first time you ever saw me, Crow?"

  "Certainly," said Crosetti. "You were just getting out of the Navy and were wearing a sailor suit."

  "When you saw me in a sailor suit, I betcha never thought I looked like a ballplayer," grinned Berra.

  "Yog," replied Crosetti, "you didn't even look like a sailor."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Left at the Post

  Yogi was explaining his after-dinner speaking trouble to his friend, Jack Farrell. "I'm always nervous at the start. But after a few words I'm okay."

  "Well, Yogi," advised Farrell, "the mayor of the town is usually present and there's always the toastmaster. Why don't you get started by turning to the mayor on your right and saying, 'Mr. Mayor.'  Then turn to the toastmaster on your left and say, 'Mr. Toastmaster.'  That will get you started."

  Berra thought this over, then asked: "Yeah, but what happens if the mayor is on the left and the toastmaster on the right?"

JD

[Jack Downs]

Only in America

 When Robert Briscoe, the Dublin mayor, visited the United States, Yogi was told that Briscoe was the first Jewish mayor in Dublin history.

  "Isn't that wonderful!" Yogi exclaimed. "It could happen only in America."

Quick as a Bunning

Yogi's habit of rapping bad pitches for good hits dazed the experts. One of them once asked Jim Bunning how he pitched to the Yankees catcher.

  "With a lump in my throat," muttered the right hander.

Draw Play

Joe Garagiola was sitting around swapping small talk with Yogi, and the conversation drifted to the attendance problem at Kansas City. "The Athletics can't seem to draw at home," observed Garagiola.

  Yogi nodded his head wisely. "If the fans don't want to come out," he said, "nobody can stop them."

JD

[Jack Downs]

No One Slept In Bedlam

The daffiest, most wonderful town in baseball history was Brooklyn, U.S.A.  When the Dodgers played there from 1890 to 1957, it yielded the richest crop of nonsense in the Western world. It was the stage for such clowns as Babe Herman, Dazzy Vance, and Uncle Robbie, and the temple of the most fanatic rooters baseball has ever known. Ebbets Field became famous as the Wacks Museum of the big leagues, and here are some of the funny reasons for it

Phelps Wanted

With the bases loaded, Manager Casey Stengel sent Babe Phelps up to pinch hit. Phelps promptly smacked the ball out of the park, accounting for four runs. Two innings later Brooklyn again needed a pinch hitter. 

 "Ya bum, ya," a fan yelled at Casey. "Ya hadda waste Phelps. Now we need 'im!"

Babe in Arms

The Babe once had to decide what to buy for his son's birthday.  "Get him an encyclopedia, " suggested one of his teammates.

  "Not on your tintype," the Babe snorted. "Let him walk to school like I had to do."

JD

[Jack Downs]

War Tragedy

  Babe Herman and his manager, Wilbert Robinson, were sitting in a hotel chewin' the fat when an ancient gentleman who had lost his shirt in the stock market crash during World War I strayed into their line of vision.

  Robbie, who knew the fellow, observed, "There goes a guy who lost everything during the war."

  The Babe pondered for a moment, then seriously asked, "You mean he bet on the Germans?"

JD

[Jack Downs]

Musial to the Ears

Rarely did a Brooklyn Dodger dignify an enemy by calling him a bum. This elegance was jealously reserved for the home heroes. But even the Gowanus Canal die-hards had to go for Stan Musial, who was murder at Ebbets Field.

 Bellowed a Dodger rooter during a Musial field day against the home team, "Hey, music box, how in de woild kin ennybody run so fast and see so good, yuh bum, yuh?"

Please remember, I type it like they printed it:).

JD

[Jack Downs]

Shoulder Arms

 Experts agree that Babe Herman was one of the worst outfielders ever to surround a fly ball.  But the Babe always insisted he had never been hit on the head by a fly ball.  He begged the sportswriters not to make fun of him like that.

  "If I ever get hit on the head by a fly ball," he said, "I'll walk off the field and quit the game forever."

  One of the writers asked innocently, "What about the shoulder, Babe?"

  "Oh,no," said the Babe.  "The shoulder don't count."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Long Blast

The lovable Babe was proud of his skill with a bat. One afternoon, Heinie Manush, batting just ahead of him, was deliberately walked to fill the bases. Though this was a sound move in the situation, Herman was indignant-- so much so that he bashed one over the wall.
"What a rock that dope pulled," he fumed, climbing into the dugout. "Imagine passing a lousy .350 hitter like Manush to get at me!"

JD

[Jack Downs]

Average Ado

  When Fresco Thompson, now vice-president of the Dodgers, joined the club as a player, he had to share the same locker with Babe.  This irritated Mr. Herman.

  "I don't like dressin' with a .250 hitter," he growled.

  "And I don't like dressin' with a .250 fielder," shot back Fresco.

Hysteria Lesson

  The immortal Babe once complained to a reporter, "I'm no oaf. I'm a serious fellow. Why, I even read books.  Why don't you mention that sometime?"

  "All right," said the scribe. "By the way, what do you think of the Napoleonic Era?"

  Babe scratched his cranium, then drawled, "I think it shoulda  been scored as a hit."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Slumber Time

 The Dodgers had a big inning going and Chick Fewster, sitting next to Manager Robinson, began pounding the dugout steps with a bat to rattle the opposing pitcher.

  "Stop that!" commanded Robinson.

  Chick looked at his manager in astonishment.

 "Why?" he asked. "Ain't we got a rally going?"

 Robbie pointed  toward a corner of the Dodger bench where his star pitcher, Jess Petty, was snoring away.

  "Don't wanna wake up ol' Jess," he whispered.

JD

[Jack Downs]

Out of this World Trip

  The season was over and the scribes covering the Dodgers gathered around Babe Herman to hear the great man's parting words.  

  "What you going to do this winter, Babe?"  asked one of the writers.

  "Well," replied Babe, "a friend of mine offered to take me on a trip around the world."

  "Are you going to go?"

  "No," answered Babe.  "I told him I'd rather go somewhere else."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Taps for Frenchy

  In a close game one afternoon Frenchy Bordagaray was picked off second base-despite the fact he hadn't taken more than a foot lead.

  "You clown!" raged Manager Casey Stengel.  "Did you fall asleep or something? I demand an explanation."

  "Gee, I don't know, Case," Frenchy replied. "All I did was stand there tapping the base with my foot."

  "So how did they get you out?" snarled Casey. 

  Frenchy scratched his head. "Maybe they got me between taps."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Foul Comments

  A foul ball landed in the Ebbets Field grandstand back in 1944 and a fan, defying wartime custom, was reluctant to give it up for the Servicemen's Bat and Ball fund.

 The razzing was strictly in the Dodger wartime tradition.

  "T'row dat baaaall down."

  "Yuh 4-F, yuh."

  "Stop robbin' da Army."

  "Puttim in 1-A."

  "Aw, keep it, ya'll be in the Army nex' week anyway."

  The victim threw the ball away in desperation and was forgiven with, "Okay, puttim back in tree-aye."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Artful Dodger

 Shortly after the 1952 World Series, Dodger pitcher Joe Black was a guest star on "Name That Tune."  Attempting to help Joe identify the song, "Sympathy," the emcee gave him his clue: 

 "Suppose it was the last of the ninth, the Yanks at bat, Score 4-1 in favor of your team, bases loaded, and Yogi Berra is up.  He wallops a homer.  What would you expect?"

  "I'd expect," the pitcher grinned, "to be in Pittsburgh next season!"

Backstop with Vision

 Bobby Bragan, third-string catcher, begged the club secretary for an extra pair of tickets to the 1947 World Series with the Yankees.

 "What do you want them for?" the fellow demanded.

  "Me and Rex Barney," came the straight-faced answer.  "WE can't see so good from the bull pen."

  

JD

[Jack Downs]

Roe on Rye

  Preacher Roe had a dry sense of humor to go along with his wide assortment of "stuff," and could  handle any situation that came along.  One afternoon the Phillies started clubbing him.  They scored four times in the first inning and were bouncing hits all  over the outfield In the second, when catcher Al Lopez called time.

  Lopez plodded to the mound and asked, "Feeling all right, Preach?"

  Roe deliberated a moment. "Waaaal," he drawled, "I ain't got no pain-I ain't got no fatigue-and, by golly, I ain't got a thing on the ball!"

It's Not the Heat

 On one of those steaming August afternoons in St. Louis, Babe Herman showed up in his hotel lobby clad in a suit of sugar-white linen.

  A pretty young girl smiled at him. "My, how cool you look."

  Babe blushed. "Thank you, ma'am," He gulped.  Then, spying her light summer frock, he politely added,  "And you don't look so hot yourself."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Curfew Shall Not Toll

  The Dodger rookie, brought up in a hurry to ease a pitching shortage, pulled into town at three in the morning. Since his orders were to report immediately to the manager, he asked the night clerk for Uncle Robbie's room and went up and knocked on the manager's door.

  After a long interval, Robbie opened the door. His hair was tousled, his eyes half-closed. "Who are you?" he yawned.

  "I'm the new ballplayer from Minneapolis."

  Robbie gasped. But he kept control. "What an oaf," he thought, "but I might as well have some fun with him."

  "Look, son," he said, "I want you to report to every player on the floor. Then come back and tell me what they said to you."

  The kid left. Half an hour later, he was back.

  "Well," Robbie said, what did they say to you?" 

  "Nothing," the rookie replied.

  "What do you mean?" snapped Robbie.

  "Mr. Robinson," the rookie gulped, "nobody is in yet?"

JD

[Jack Downs]

Short Snor-Ter

  One season Robbie roomed with a calm coach who never permitted trivial things like losses to disturb his beauty sleep.  One night, with the Dodgers in the throes of a long losing streak, Robbie tried to get some sleep.  But the coach's snoring forbade it. Robbie kept tossing and turning as his roomie's snoring kept growing louder and louder.

  Finally, Robbie jumped to his feet and charged to his roomie's bed.

 "Get up, you rat!" he blurted, ripping the covers off the fellow.  "How can you sleep like that with the team going so bad?"

He Nose Something

  Returning to the hotel after his first spring training workout as a Dodger, Leo Durocher removed his spikes so that he wouldn't tear up the rugs in the lobby.  Two lobby sitters looked up and saw Leo in his stockinged feet.

  "Do you smell anything?" one asked the other.

  "Yeah," answered his friend, "the seventh-place Dodgers."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Safety First

 With two men on base and Ted Kluszewski coming up, The Dodger infield gathered around the mound.  "pitch this guy outside," suggested Gil Hodges, who had no desire to be killed by a line drive down the first-base line.

  "No,no, throw to him inside,"said Billy Cox, who didn't want his shins taken off by a shot down the third-base line. 

  The Dodger captain, Pee Wee Reese, looked at the pitcher-Preacher Roe.  "What do you want to do , Preach?"

  "Well," drawled Preacher, "I'll pitch and we'll all scatter."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Squelcher Squelched

  One of those leather-lunged Dodger fans had taken a dislike to Fresco Thompson, playing third base at the time.  A hot grounder whizzed right by Fresco, and the fellow, sitting in a box, bellowed,  "Why didn't you get that?"

  The quick-witted Thompson was ready.  "I didn't get that kind when I was making ten thousand dollars a year."  The heckler lapsed into silence.

   Another hard bounder sizzled past Thompson and again the heckler taunted, "You should have had it, Thompson."

  Quick as a flash, Fresco snapped, "Yeah, if I had had a basket as big as your head."   Again this shut up the heckler.

  A few innings later, Thompson rammed a liner to right center and slid into third base with a triple.

  "Well, well," admitted his enemy in  the stands, "you look pretty good right now."

  Fresco, unappeased, let go with his crusher,  "I wish I could say the same for you."

  "You could," was the unexpected rejoinder, "if you were as big a liar as I am."

JD

[Jack Downs]

A Drop of Unmercy

  Uncle Robbie was extremely fond of Babe Herman and he was like a second father to Babe's little son. One day the little fellow climbed onto Robbie's lap, as he was wont to do.  But this time Robbie dumped him onto the ground.  The boy looked up hurt and bewildered.

  "What's the matter, Uncle Robbie?"  the boy asked.

  "Why ain't your old man hitting?"  snapped Robbie.

He Who Waits

  With the Dodgers trailing in the sixth,  Wayne Belardi was sent up to pinch hit for the pitcher.  He took the first pitch for a strike.  Ditto the second pitch.  This was too much for a kid sitting along the first-base line. Cupping his hands to his mouth, he hollered,  "Swing, man, swing!  Nobody ever looked one out of the park!"

JD

[Jack Downs]

Warmonger

  One day at Ebbets Field, Dazzy Vance, a terrific fast baller, suddenly began curving them at Hughey Critz. Hughey almost went down to his knees cutting at a low curve. He topped the ball between first and the mound.

  As Dizzy charged the ball, Critz lit out for first.  Dazzy tripped and fell flat on his face, throwing the ball from the ground.  The throw pulled the first baseman off the bag, and he crashed into Critz. There you had it- Vance, Critz, and the first baseman lying in a welter of blood, sweat, and loosened teeth.

  Critz looked up.  "Hey, Vance!" he yelled. "Put that nickel curve in your pocket before somebody gets killed!"

JD

[Jack Downs]

Make Believe

  When Babe Herman, the great-hit no-field Dodger hero, heard that someone was making the rounds of the night clubs, stores, etc, impersonating him, he had a ready plan for catching the rascal.

  "Next time anyone comes around claiming he's Babe Herman," he advised, "take him outside and fungo a fly ball to him. If he catches it, call the cops."

Most Valuable Lesson

  Jackie Robinson had a bitter feud with a reporter named Mike Gaven.  When the sportswriter entered the dugout one night, Jackie took out after him.

  "You writers are always wrong, always wrong,"  Robinson shrilled.

  Gaven looked him up and down, then drawled, "you mean like when we voted you Most Valuable Player in the league last year?"

JD

[Jack Downs]

Fence in the Sky

The Yankees were murdering the Dodgers in  a spring training game, walloping homer after homer over the center-field wall. In the Brooklyn Dugout between innings, Pee Wee Reese complained in mock bitterness, "That Duke Snider is plenty  stupid. I keep telling him how to play center field, but he won't listen to me."

 "What do you keep telling him, Pee Wee? inquired Jackie Robinson.

 "Why, I keep telling him how to stop those homers over the fence. I keep telling him to play deeper and higher."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Upper Depths

Dick Willliams, the Dodgers' all-around utility man in 1954, didn't get much chance to play.  But he still batted .375 in the humor league. When catcher Roy Campanella went out with a broken hand earlier in the season, Williams quipped, "I'm still sixth-string left fielder, fifth-string first baseman, and fourth- string third baseman.  But I'm now third-string catcher."

Mind Over Matter

 Don Newcombe was one of those pitchers who always complained about something-real or fancied.   During one spell under Manager Burt Shotton, he kept insisting that his arm hurt.

  "It's all in your imagination," Shotton grunted.

  A day or so later, Shotton told Newcombe to start warming up.  Big Newk took a couple of pitches and winced with pain.

  "My imagination is hurting again," he told Shotton.

JD

[Jack Downs]

Can't Handle It

  With two out and a runner on second in the twelfth, Don Hoak of the Cubs nubbed one down the first-base line.  Gil Hodges swooped  over, but the ball hit the bag and spun toward second. Hodges stabbed for it, but the ball twisted away.  He stabbed again and again.

  Then Jackie Robinson horned in.  The Dodger pair began flailing away like tenderfeet trying to nail a squirming rattler with canoe paddles.  Finally Hodges looked up. Hoak was safe at first and the winning run was crossing the plate.

   "Hit it again, Jackie," he said dryly. "It's still breathing."

Coming Next:

Those Funny Men In Boo

Umpires are sad and lonely people. Nobody loves 'em. The fans boo 'em. The players snarl at 'em. Little dogs snap at their ankles.  But these friendless men in blue are not to be pitied. All the catcalls bounce harmlessly off their chest protectors.   They are the law and they dispense it freely, fairly, fearlessly- and sometimes very funnily.

JD

[Jack Downs]

Bottles That Bloom in the Spring

 In his very first game in organized ball, Umpire Billy Evans got the fright of his life. He called one against the home team, and from the stands came a barrage of fruits, vegetables, and minerals. Billy ran for the nearest dugout and there, under the sheltering roof, waited for the barrage to subside. After a reasonable interval, he poked out his nose and called to his umpiring mate, Jack Sheridan, 

"Hey, Jack, is it safe to come out yet?"

 The tough veteran bellowed, "Come out, you squirt!.  This is only April.  Wait till July when these people get the range!"

 A bottle came floating through the air, missing Evans by a hair. The young ump quickly hopped back into the dugout.

 "July,  my foot!"  he screamed. "They're in condition right now!"

JD

[Jack Downs]

Heaven Can Wait

 Fred Haney, the former manager, dreamed he was in heaven.  He saw the greatest players of all time.  So he formed a team.  The phone rang. It was the devil.

 "I have a team that can beat yours," said Satan.

 "Impossible!"  exclaimed Haney. "I've got the greatest players who ever lived."

 "Yeah," replied the devil. "But I've got all the umpires!"

Gravity of the Situation

 The colorful Jack Guthrie used to make a high art of throwing a player out of a game. One afternoon a batter, angered by what he thought was a bad call, hurled his bat high into the air. Guthrie cocked his head to follow the flight of the club.

  "If that bat comes down," he drawled, "you're out of the game."

JD

 

[Jack Downs]

Late Arrival

 Whe Jimmy Dykes was player-manager of the White Sox, he once took a long lead off first, then lapsed into a daydream.  A snap throw from the catcher rudely awakened him. Desperately, Jimmy dived back to the bag.

  Before Umpire Bill Dineen could make his call, Jimmy was screaming, "I made it! I made it!"

  Dineen, thumb pointed skyward, looked down at the Chicago manager. "You certainly did, Jimmy,"  he said soothingly.  "But what detained you?"

Two and Too

 

The batter was a monster, the catcher was a tough 225-pounder, and the umpire was a little skinny fellow.  With the count one and one, the pitcher whistled in a fast ball.

  "Two!" the umpire shrilled.

  "Two what?" snarled the catcher, lifting his mask threateningly.

  "Yeah, two what?" gritted the batter, raising his club. 

  The ump looked from one brute to the other.

  "Too close to tell," he said, moving for the exit.

JD

[Jack Downs]

Quip with a Bite

 What little Dom Dallessandro lacked in size, he made up in fight and hustle.  One hot afternoon Umpire George Magerkurth called him out on a borderline strike.

 Little Dom came storming back, breathing fire and brimstone.  The hulking umpire glared down at the sputtering runt. 

  "Dallessandro," he grunted, "if you don't shut up, I'll bite your head off."

  "If you do," Dom shot back, "you'll have more brains in your big belly than you have in your head!"

Get-Well Medicine

 That mild-mannered prince of third basemen, Pie Traynor, was booted out of a game only once in his career.  Knowing that Pie never swears, a sportswriter approached Umpire Bill Klem for an explanation. 

  "I had to do it to let him recover from his illness," explained Bill, grinning. "Pie told me he was getting sick and tired of my decisions."

JD

[Jack Downs]

The Finger Points

  The great Klem's endless strife with Frankie Frisch reached its peak in St. Louis one day when Klem called a Cardinal out on a vital play. Frisch, screaming like a wounded horse, raced for Klem. Suddenly he wavered, stopped, and collapsed.

  The dugouts emptied, as everyone made a rush for the stricken manager.  It looked like heart failure caused by a bum decision. Into the turmoil strode the great arbiter.  Standing directly over the fallen manager, Klem pointed his finger at him and bellowed, "Frisch, dead or alive-you're out of the game!"

Hack Hacked

  The greatest of all umpires, Bill Klem, boasted that he never made a wrong call in his life.  He was a master at deflating a squawker.  Hack Wilson once thought Klem miscalled a strike on him.  He stepped out of the batter's box and yelled, "You missed that one, Klem!"

  "If I had your bat in my hand I wouldn't have" snapped the arbiter.

JD

[Jack Downs]

Nipped in the Bush

 Manager Donie Bush came roaring out of the dugout to protest a called strike.  Umpire George Magerkurth waited until Bush nearly reached the plate.  He turned his back on him and addressed the crowd.

  "Ladies and gentlemen," he cried.  "Mr. Bush is about to make a short speech. As soon as he finishes it, he will be called upon to leave the premises.  I thank you."

Mind Over Matter

 The same sort of mystic power was exhibited by Ed Finney when he noticed a manager bearing down upon him one day.  The pilot was het up about a decision against his team and was just about to speak his piece to the ump.

 Before he could even open his mouth, Finney waved him off the field. The manager stood aghast. 

 "But I haven't even said a word!" he screeched.

 "Beat it!" snapped Finney. "I know what you're thinking."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Summers' Time

 Never for a moment does the diamond judge turn from the path of righteousness. Take Bill Summers, for example. The veteran ump was operating behind the plate in a movie being filmed in Hollywood. The pitcher delivered and Bill yelled, "Strike!"

 This made the director unhappy. "Hey, Bill," he snapped, "you're not following the script. That was supposed to be a ball."

 "Tell the pitcher to follow the script!"  roared Summers. "I call 'em as I see 'em."

In Poison Today

 Jack Sheridan was once taking a terrific needling from a big crowd. He suffered in silence, until a husky female fan leaped from her seat and shrieked,  "If I were your wife, Sheridan, I'd give you poison!"

  Sheridan slowly turned around, removed his mask, bowed to the lady, and in a clear voice replied, "And if I were your husband, madam, I'd take it."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Steamboat Whistle

 The fabulous "Steamboat" Johnson also loved to deflate tormentors. One day a well-known local doctor was making life extremely miserable for him.  Johnson bore it as long as he could.  Finally he stopped the game and marched over to the stands.

  Pointing a finger at the bellowing medic, he yelled, "You got no right to beef, Doc.  When you make a mistake, it's followed by a funeral.   When I make a mistake, it lives forever!"

The "I" Has It

 Some years ago George Moriarty was umpiring a Cleveland-Detroit game.  An Indian rookie was up at the plate.  The rookie took one strike without protest. Then he took another. And then a third.  Before returning to the dugout, he turned to the umpire.

  "I beg your pardon," he politely asked, "but how do you spell your name?"

  Surprised, Moriarty obliged, spelling his name.

  The rookie sighed. "Just as I thought, sir, only one "i."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Making Hash of the Ump

 Back some years ago, when Jimmy Dykes was managing the White Sox, he started riding a young Red Sox pitcher named, unfortunately, Herbert Hash.

 "I'll have mine browned!"  Dykes would suddenly yell.

  "What?"  one of his players would say.

  "Hash!"  roared Dykes.

  Or, "What will you have for breakfast tomorrow?" Jimmy would call to his players, and in a chorus they would answer, "Hash!"

  The plate umpire called time and walked over to the White Sox dugout. "You can't do that, Jimmy, and you know it.  You can't make fun of that kid's name. So don't use that word again. If I hear it once more, out you go.

  The umpire walked back to his post. Just as he was about to call for the resumption of play, Dykes chirped, "Hey, Ump."

  The latter turned around.  "What do you want?"

   " I was just wondering. What would you call it if you wanted it with two poached eggs on it for breakfast?"

 The umpire was licked.

JD

[Rick Lyons]

I lived next door to an old lady few years back when my son was young and I built a batting cage in my backyard that bordered her house. One day she came out to talk to me and she said her brother was Herb Hash and he played professional baseball. So I looked him up and if I remember right the only card he had was a team issue from like 1945. I made it my mission to find one and I finally did and gave it to her.

She was so grateful because she didn’t know it existed and no one in the family had one either.

Rick 

Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPad

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[zep...@myfairpoint.net]

That is AWESOME Rick!

Mark N.

To view this discussion visit https://groups.google.com/d/msgid/tradingbases/2088205688.640582.1770738494732%40mail.yahoo.com.

[PETER PIANELLI]

Great story Rick. 

Pete Pianelli

On Feb 10, 2026, at 10:48 AM, 'Rick Lyons' via Tradingbases <tradin...@googlegroups.com> wrote:

 I lived next door to an old lady few years back when my son was young and I built a batting cage in my backyard that bordered her house. One day she came out to talk to me and she said her brother was Herb Hash and he played professional baseball. So I looked him up and if I remember right the only card he had was a team issue from like 1945. I made it my mission to find one and I finally did and gave it to her.

To view this discussion visit https://groups.google.com/d/msgid/tradingbases/2088205688.640582.1770738494732%40mail.yahoo.com.

[Jack Downs]

Great Expectorations

  One torrid afternoon, Umpire Jocko Conlan cautioned Rip Sewell against wiping the perspiration off his forehead, believing that the veteran hurler was trying to sneak over a spitter.

  "That ain't legal, you know," warned Jocko.

  "What ain't legal?" queried Rip. "Sweatin'?"

Piece of Mind

  Dutch Leonard, the knuckle-ball artist, was having trouble controlling his pet pitch and began to complain to Umpire Cal Hubbard.

  "Cal," he moaned, "I thought the last pitch got a piece of the plate."

  Hubbard mulled over this for a moment.  "Well," he said, "it's been everywhere else in the park, so maybe it did."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Long-Distance Thumb

  Tom Gorman, working behind the plate in Brooklyn late in the 1953 season, became angry at the ragging from the Dodger dugout. Though the bench was obscured by shadow, Tom was able to identify the taunters by their voices.

  Finally, he blew a gasket. Whipping off his mask, he turned to the Dodger bench and roared, "Van Cuyk-out!"

  Nobody stirred. Again the irate ump bellowed, "Van Cuyk-out!"  No movement. And still another roar, "Van Cuyk-0ut!"

  At this, Manager Charlie Dressen hopped out of the dugout. "Tom," he said, "if you want to chase Van Cuyk, better buy a ticket for Kansas City- That's where I sent him yesterday!"

JD

[Jack Downs]

Return Engagement
When Elmer Valo of the A's crashed into catcher Gus Niarhos of the White Sox in the last inning of a game in Philadelphia, a battle royal broke out among the players. Finally, the A's manager, Jimmy Dykes, walked over to Umpire Charlie Berry and said, "Come on, Charlie, get 'em to stop fighting and let's get on with the game."
"Niarhos dropped the ball, the run counts, and the game is over," Berry intoned.
"In that case," snapped Dykes, "let 'em fight."

[Jack Downs]

They Shall Not Passarella

Connie Mack was a kindly old gent on the ball field, but he wasn't a Milquetoast.
There was the afternoon an umpire called a game on account of rain in the seventh inning, just as the Yankees went ahead by a run. The game had started in light rain and Connie saw no reason why it shouldn't finish the same way.
He walked over to Umpire Art Passarella. "Tell me, Art," he sneered. "Did the rain get any wetter when the Yankees went ahead?"

Warm-Up Time

Bob Turley cut loose with a fast one, right over the heart of the plate. Umpire Ed Rommel called, "Ball one."
Turley came charging off the mound. "What do you mean, ball? How could you miss one so badly?"
To which Rommel replied, "Look, mister, it took you 15 minutes to warm up. Can't you give me two or three minutes to do likewise?"



JD

[Jack Downs]

Perfectionist

  Burleigh Grimes was pitching, Johnny Gooch was catching, and Bill Klem was umpiring. On a 3-2 pitch, Grimes thought Klem missed a call.

  "Where was it?" Grimes asked Gooch.

  "Answer that question and you're out of the game," Klem threatened Gooch.

  "Tell me," repeated Grimes, "where was it?"

  "Right over," said Gooch.

  "Get off the field," yelled Klem.

  "What for?" asked Gooch. "All I did was answer a question. What are you chasing me for?"

   "For being a lousy umpire," roared Klem.

JD

[Jack Downs]

Playing By Ear

Umpire Lon Warneke was asked how he called a routine play at first.  "It's done by ear," he explained. "You watch the base and see that the fielder has his foot on the sack.  Then you hear when the throw hits the glove. That way you can tell whether the runner or the ball gets there first."

  "It's funny. the fans call us 'Blind Toms' but never 'Deaf Joes.'

A Soft Answer

  Tommy Connolly was famous for wisecracking his way out of rhubarbs.  In a clutch situation one noon,  he called the mighty Babe Ruth out on strikes.

  The Babe was furious. "You're a fine umpire, you are!" he yelled.

  Tommy winked at him. "And you're not such a bad guy yourself, Babe!"

 Ruth grinned and walked away.

JD

[Jack Downs]

Sharpshooting 

 At his peak, Sal Maglie probably broke off the best curve in the National League.  His standard method of handling Gil Hodges was to curve him on the outside.  One afternoon, he broke a dandy  across the edge of the corner. Umpire Al Barlick bayed, "Strike!"

  The mild-mannered Hodges looked surprised.  "Where was that pitch?"

  "Right over the corner," answered Barlick.

  Hodges surveyed the plate. "I don't see any corner where that ball crossed."

   Barlick also glared down at the plate. Then he smiled.

  "You're right, Gil. The corner's not there.  Maglie's curve was so sharp, it clipped it right off!"

JD

[Jack Downs]

Protection Refused

  

 Billy Evans worked the first game Al Schacht pitched for the Senators.

 Al managed to get by for a few innings, then came up for his turn at bat in the third.

 "Young man," Evans said, "have you thrown all your stuff yet?"

 "Yes, sir," replied Schacht.  "Everything."

 "Including your fast ball?"

  "Yep, I've thrown it at least ten times."

 "Thanks, son," Evans sighed. He depressed the valve on his chest protector, allowing all the air to escape. "I guess I won't need this then."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Miss Quota

  

Unhappy over the calls being made by Hank Soar,  Clint Courtney kept muttering and growling.  Soar finally exploded. 

  "Look, bud," he rasped. "Nobody's perfect. I've got a right to miss a few in a ball game."

  "How many?" Courtney wanted to know.

  "Let's say ten."

  "That's fair enough," rejoined Courtney.  "But how about missing the next five on the other club?"

Twin Exit

  When little Miller Huggins was managing the great Yankees of the Ruth era, Umpire Bill Guthrie once found it necessary to throw Bob Meusel out of a game.  Huggins charged out of the dugout.

  Guthrie saw him coming and called out to Meusel, "Wait a minute, Meusel!  You can take dis here watch fob wid ya!"

JD

[Jack Downs]

Voice of Experience

  About to be given the heave, the red-necked ballplayer turned on Umpire Jocko Conlan and snarled, "Don't look so smug!  Weren't you ever thrown out of a game?"

  Jocko, who once played for the White Sox, admitted he was.

  "What for?"  rasped the player.

  "For doing what you're doing now!" squelched Jocko.

Wrong Turn

  In Bill Klem's last year behind the plate, he called a strike on Pee Wee Reese. Reese turned around and glared at him.

  "Young man," growled Klem, "don't blame me for your mistake.  It was the pitcher who fooled you."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Fractured English

Big Bill Guthrie had his difficulties with the English language.  One day both benches got on him rather fiercely, and Bill began to fume.  Unable to bear the abuse any longer, he tore off his mask and advanced to the visitors' dugout. 

  "That's enough!"   he bellowed. "Now cut out them personalities!."

  A shocked silence followed. Then, from the gloomiest corner of the dugout came a clear, loud voice, "And you cut out them grammar!."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Sight and Sound

Brick Owens called Heinie Manush out on a dubious outside curve, and Heinie started for the Tiger dugout mumbling under his breath.
Brick promptly chucked him out of the game.
"What's the idea?" Manush yelped. "I was only talking to myself."
"It so happens that I have rabbit ears,' snapped the umpire.
"Just what I thought," rejoined Manush. "You can hear better than you can see!"



JD

[Jack Downs]

All-Seeing Eye

  Mr. Bill Klem always claimed that Rogers Hornsby had the sharpest eye he ever saw.  Against Jumbo Elliott, burly Brooklyn hurler, Raj once let three pitches go by.  Klem called each a ball.

  Jumbo protested every call, but Klem ignored him.  Then the pitcher let loose with a hard one--which Hornsby walloped out of the park.

  Klem walked out to the mound where Elliott stood shaking his head sadly.

  "Mr. Elliott," he said, "you needn't ever argue a call with Mr. Hornsby at bat.  When the ball is over the plate, he'll always let you know."

Vocabulary Lesson

 

One season John Tener, the National League prexy, promised Klem a substantial boost in salary for the next year.  Upon receiving his contract, Klem discovered he had received just a five-hundred-dollar raise.

  "Mr. Tener," Klem wrote, "I always thought substantial was a thousand- dollar word."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Split-Second Palship

 Klem had a running feud with Art Fletcher, a great shortstop. You can imagine Klem's amazement one day when he was warmly greeted by his sworn enemy.

  Just before the game was scheduled to start, Fletcher walked up to Klem and said, "How are you, Mr. Klem?  My, but you're looking well.  You know I think you're the best umpire in the league."

  On the very first play, Klem called one against Fletcher's team, and Art yelped at him from the bench.

 "Go take a shower for yourself, Mr. Fletcher," Klem yelped right back.  "I had a feeling our friendship wasn't going to last more than five minutes!"

JD

[Jack Downs]

Enough of the umpires for a while.

Just A Bunch Of Characters

Wherein are assembled some of the more colorful personalities who have tickled the public with their homers and boners, fellows like George Stallings,Charlie Grimm, Frankie Frisch,Dizzy Dean, John McGraw, Satch Paige, and Babe Ruth, plus the New York Mets. You couldn't ask for better "character" references.

Too Much Walking

Perhaps the most famous of all Stallings legends goes back to the time he retired to his Georgia estate, broken in health from a serious heart ailment. A specialist was called in to examine him.
"Mr. Stallings," the doctor said, "you have an unusually bad heart. Is there any way you can account for it?"
"Bases on balls, you fool, bases on balls," sobbed Stallings.


JD

[Jack Downs]

Fine for Stallings

 A fine gentleman off the ball field, George Stallings, the immortal pilot of the 1914 Braves, was a terror on the bench who would fly into a rage at the drop of a bat.

  One season he had twin brothers, both college men, playing for him. One afternoon both boys were cut down running the bases, killing a big inning.

  As the twins started for their positions, Stallings dashed off the bench. Draping an arm around each, he inquired, "You boys are both college graduates, aren't you?"

  "Yes, Mr. Stallings."

  "Well, then," roared Stallings, "rah, rah, rah!"  Rah, rah, rah!"

JD

[Jack Downs]

Barefoot Contestant

  Nobody knows how Joe Jackson earned his famous nickname of "Shoeless."  But legend has it that he used to play baseball in his bare feet. One afternoon he found himself playing on a sandlot littered with all sorts of trash.  Cool, calm, and collected, he plowed over the debris making one spectacular play after another.

  In the seventh inning, however, he registered a small complaint, "Excuse me, sir," he said to the owner of the home team. "But you oughta clean up them busted bottles in the outfield."

  The magnate looked Joe over slowly. His eyes traveled down to the player's feet, then bugged.

  "You fool!" he cried. "Why don't you wear shoes when you play!"

  "Oh, I ain't worryin' about my feet," asserted Jackson. "But that broken glass is sure ruinin' the cover of the ball!"

JD

[Jack Downs]

Spelling Bee

  The fact that Shoeless Joe couldn't read or write became common knowledge very quickly.  One day when the White Sox were playing the Indians, a Cleveland rooter "got on" Shoeless Joe. Every time Jackson came to bat, the "jockey" would yell, "Hey, Shoeless Joe, how do you spell 'illiterate'?"

  In the top of the ninth, Jackson came up with the score tied and a runner on first. Again the pest screamed, "Hey, Shoeless Joe, how do you spell illiterate?"  

  Jackson promptly belted one off the right-center fence for a triple, bringing in the tie-breaking tally.  Standing On third base, he turned toward his tormentor and shouted, "Hey, big mouth, how do you spell triple?"

JD

[Jack Downs]

More Umpires

Your Ears Are Showing

It was Bill Klem who framed perhaps the most unusual law in umpiring history. It happened after he called a strike on Jimmy Ripple, then a rookie with the Giants.

 "Don't turn around and look at me," bellowed Bill.

 "I'm not looking back, Mr Klem," replied the rookie.

 "Maybe not," roared Klem, "but I saw you wiggle your ears!"

Cold Shoulder

 Before a big crowd in Philadelphia one noon, Frankie Frisch blasted Umpire Lou Jorda for a decision at first base. He then strolled toward the third-base ump, Jocko Conlon, and put his arm around the ump's shoulder. 

 "You're out of the game!" bawled Jocko.

 "For what?" bellowed Frankie.

 "You're not going to blast my partner for ten minutes," snapped Conlan, "and then tell thirty thousand people I'm your pal."

JD

[Jack Downs]

Trade Secret

 When Jimmy Dykes was breaking in with the Athletics, Bill Guthrie once called a strike on him, which Jimmy didn't like.  Jimmy tapped the plate and sort of turned his head.  "What's the matter?" snapped the ump.  "Didn't you like the call?"

  "Well," drawled Dykes, "now that you mention it I think the pitch was a little high."

  "Don't tell anybody else," retorted Guthrie. "If your eyesight's failing, nobody'll know about it but me, you, and the catcher."

Say Uncle

 An office boy was at a ball game when his boss suddenly came up behind him.  "So this is your uncle's funeral, eh?" he roared at the startled kid.

 "Looks like it," the quick-thinking youngster replied. "He's the umpire down there!"

JD

[Jack Downs]

Price of Admission

  At the beginning of World War II, everybody wondered whether the game would be able to continue.  Bucky Harris ran into Umpire Bill McGowan one day and asked,"Do you think there'll be any baseball this year, Bill?"

 "Gosh, Bucky," replied the ump, "I dunno. Your guess is as good as mine."

  "I know that," snapped Harris, "but this is the first time you ever admitted it!"

Job Insecurity

 John McGraw was a terror on umpires until he ran afoul of a newcomer named Bill Klem.  Ordered out of a game, McGraw roared,  "I'll have your job for this!"

  "If it's possible for you to take my job," Klem answered, "then I don't want it."

JD