Japan Dating Rules

[Courtland Boland]

Traditionallydating was not common in Japan. Marriages (結婚, kekkon) were often arranged and based on social status and practicality. Nowadays, however, young people seek more freedom in their dating lives. Still, you will notice that the dating culture in Japan is a blend of traditional and modern, shaped by cultural expectations. It is essential to keep that in mind to create stronger relationships and avoid misunderstandings.

Even if you have been dating someone for a while, it does not mean you are official. Generally, in Japan, people make it very clear when they want to call you boyfriend/girlfriend (彼氏/彼女, kareshi/kanojo). When you get a kokuhaku (告白), a confession of love, you will know it is official. Family (家族, kazoku) also plays an important role in determining how serious a relationship is in Japan and if marriage is in the cards.

People in Japan, especially younger people, face many obstacles that prevent them from dating. Japanese society emphasizes the importance of work (仕事, shigoto) and career. Long work hours make it difficult to find the time and energy to meet people. However, despite these challenges, people are still finding ways to get out there and meet potential partners.

As with almost everywhere else in the world, online dating has become increasingly popular in Japan. The Japan Times reported on a survey by Meiji Yasuda Life Insurance (明治安田生命保険, Meiji-Yasuda Seimei Hoken) showing that dating apps (マッチングアプリ, matchingu apuri) have become the most common way for couples to meet. In 2022, 22.6% of newlywed couples had found love online.

A more traditional way of meeting a partner in Japan is through mutual friends (友達, tomodachi) or family. After all, the people closest to you tend to know you best. Someone might introduce you through a group outing, typically at a restaurant or bar. This casual approach makes it easier to break the ice and get to know the other person.

It is common for people in Japan to join clubs or group activities. From cooking classes to sports teams, joining a club is a great way for couples to meet in Japan. Romantic feelings can develop while people bond over shared passions and interests.

It has become trendy in the Japanese dating scene to participate in kon-katsu (婚活), or matchmaking parties. The purpose of these parties is to provide an opportunity for singles to meet a potential life partner. Often, you will need to pay a fee. Matchmaking agencies organize many of these events and advertise them on social media. Even local governments organize these events to encourage people to get married and have children.

You may also want to learn some Japanese before embarking on your dating journey in Japan. While the process can sometimes feel like a marathon rather than a sprint, the connection can be rewarding. Here are some scenarios you may encounter.

Spontaneous dates are not the norm in Japan. Typically, Japanese people like to plan their schedules in advance. Planning a date in Japan does not need to be complicated. Japan has a rich food culture, so many dates involve going to restaurants or cafes.

Like anywhere in the world, it is important to be polite, respectful, and mindful of cultural norms when on a date in Japan. Being loud and aggressive is considered rude, but so is paying more attention to your phone than your companion. There are a few social rules to consider if you want to get past the first date.

Punctuality is of utmost importance in Japanese culture, so be sure to show up for your date on time or early. It is not only polite but shows you are reliable. Greetings are essential, too. Notably, refrain from hugs and cheek kisses, as these are typical ways of greeting.

In a more formal business setting, you may bow to each other, but this is often not the case in more casual situations. In most cases, you will use a verbal greeting, such as konnichiwa (こんにちは) or hello. Sometimes your date will bring a small present such as flowers or chocolates. This is a kind gesture but not required.

If you want to make a good impression on your first date, it is best to dress neatly and conservatively. Avoid wearing anything too revealing or too casual. People in Japan tend to dress fashionably, even in informal situations.

Men typically keep a well-polished appearance. If you want to make a good impression, style your hair neatly, dress in well-fitted clothes, and avoid flashy colors. A clean black, grey, or navy dress shirt paired with tailored slacks is a safe choice. Unless you are going on a beach date, avoid sandals. Instead, opt for dress shoes or clean, stylish sneakers.

Women typically put a little more effort into their hair and makeup on first dates. They aim for a more elegant and natural look. It is common for women to wear knee-length dresses or skirts with a simple blouse. Showing some skin is acceptable, but avoid anything too revealing. Japanese culture values modesty. Colors should be neutral, and accessories simple.

Privacy is highly valued in Japan. Questions about personal matters and family issues on a first date are inappropriate. It is also wise to avoid topics relating to work. As the business culture in Japan can be very stressful, it is likely not something your date wants to think about over a nice dinner. Dates are supposed to be a positive experience, so it is best to keep the conversation light.

Traditionally, men are expected to pay the bill on a first date in Japan. However, times are changing, and younger generations seem to find it more acceptable to split the bill (割り勘, warikan). According to a report by the Japanese dating app Omiai, straight couples in their teens and twenties are happy to split the bill (in Japanese). Meanwhile, they found that those 40 or older still preferred the man to pay.

Relationships (恋愛, ren-ai) in Japan tend to progress slowly. It can sometimes take months for a couple to consider a relationship exclusive. There is a strong value placed on building trust and understanding before fully committing. Therefore, patience is important when dating in Japan.

Although Japanese society tends to favor traditional family setups, these views are changing due to economic factors and exposure to other lifestyles and values. As such, many Japanese couples take their relationships to the next commitment level by moving in together, without getting married.

third date rule2008/1/23 16:05 I heard that the third date is "special" in japan. It's the date where people look like couples?

America is quite different... where the "rule" is having sex on the third date (which i would never abide by). But I was wondering about this third date rule in Japan.

Also, there's the word D. I know what it means. But the way it gets translated in dramas and anime is always "love".

In English "to like" is only "to like" as in friends and crushes and "love" is a different field. Is there no distinction in D? Even though D exists, I rarely hear it used in dramas. And even more rare is Ă. So I guess I'm wondering why do they use D to say "I love you" not "I like you"?by Miyuki

is there???2008/1/23 17:48 I didnt no there was a 3rd date rule.. i went on a 3rd date last monday with a japanese friend i met, but i didnt know how to explain things to her as such as we both clicked...

but i never talk about it on here as i dont find Japanese women being much diff from women from my country tbh..by murraymintrate this post as useful

FAQ of the millennium2008/1/23 18:04 Miyuki,

Also, there's the word D. I know what it means. But the way it gets translated in dramas and anime is always "love".

In English "to like" is only "to like" as in friends and crushes and "love" is a different field. Is there no distinction in D? Even though D exists, I rarely hear it used in dramas. And even more rare is Ă. So I guess I'm wondering why do they use D to say "I love you" not "I like you"?

Already answered a million times here and elsewhere in all the "Aishiteru/I love you" threads.

by Dave in Saitamarate this post as useful

me neither2008/1/23 23:29 I've never heard of the 3rd date rule (theory?) either. On the contrary, I keep seeing posts on the Japanese internet about men and women who'd go out together dozens of times but never consider themselves as "couples", just because they haven't done their kokuhaku (confess their love).by Ucorate this post as useful

confession?2008/1/24 00:54 Uco, there's a confession??

I don't mean to generalize the Japanese... especially since I'm living in Tokyo now, which might as well be a culture of it's own. I'm just interested in these kinds of things.by miyukirate this post as useful

Well...2008/1/24 14:47 I'm a Japanese female, and I have never heard of the theory.

I'm sure it depends on people, but having sex at the 3rd time date sounds bit too rush.

As a woman, I would like to know at least he is serious about the relationship

and hear that he loves me, before sex.

I have heard that we can see if he is interested in being more than friends at 3rd date,

so probably your friend meant that, not only about having sex.

More than 3dates, and she is not sure if he likes her or not makes her feel uneasy -

but I think it is only for women over late 20's who don't want to waste time to find a "right" guy.

(And of course it depends on indivisuals)

Probably that is enough to show that you are interested in her as more than just a friend,

and tell her "Suki".by Japanese womanrate this post as useful

to uco, or anyone else who knows2008/1/24 16:30 Can you elaborate on this this "kokuhaku"? Who, what, when and why? Sorry if this has come up somewhere else before.by ..rate this post as useful

who, what, when and why2008/1/24 22:11 Here's the deal.

Suppose I have feelings for a guy, and suppose he asks me out or I ask him out and we start going to places, just the two of us.

There has to be a point where one of us confess our love to the other party. So for example, unless I say "suki desu" to him or unless he says "suki desu" to me, we're not supposed to be certain about each other's feelings.

And unless one of us says "tsukiatte kudasai (let's go steady)" and the other says "yes", you can't say we're going steady, even if we go to the movies or the beach or a bar a hundred times.

Don't ask me why, because personally I never followed this rule. For me, dating always gradually began, and before we knew it we were going steady. We just knew it in our hearts that we're going steady and no one said anything like "Let's go steady". But a lot of people seem to believe AND practice the rule I mentioned at the beginning.

It's sometimes funny though. You read an internet post from a nervous girl who is waiting and waiting and waiting for the guy to say "tsukiatte kudasai", but sometimes you can sense from her explanation that the guy already thinks he's going steady with the girl and just never bothered to say it out loud.by Ucorate this post as useful

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