To the citizens of the United States of America
from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in
recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up
'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister,
Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for
further elections.
Congress and the Senate will
be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a
British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:
-----------------------
1.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,''favour,'
'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced
by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
''like' and 'you
know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is
no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter
'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used
for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9.
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are
pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be
due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see
what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required
occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.Hollywood will also be
required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching
Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral
was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12.
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we
will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.
--------------------
13.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15.
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only
share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
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