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ferguso...@gmail.com
Mar 12, 2009, 2:10:36 AM3/12/09
to TinyCircusTalk
Hi TC,
We (Aleah, Grace, Jess, Dorothy, me) have been working on the Black
Rock Arts Foundation grant - and it is at a state that needs some
reading. If you can spare 20 minutes on Thursday, give it a look-over/
proofread and report back about what makes sense and what doesn't.
It's due Friday, so final editing will have to happen in the next day
and a half.
Your help is appreciated - we just need fresh eyes at this point.
Click on http://groups.google.com/group/tinycircustalk/web/grant---in-progress---black-rock-arts-foundation
- or copy & paste it into your browser's address bar if that doesn't
work.
We (Aleah, Grace, Jess, Dorothy, me) have been working on the Black
Rock Arts Foundation grant - and it is at a state that needs some
reading. If you can spare 20 minutes on Thursday, give it a look-over/
proofread and report back about what makes sense and what doesn't.
It's due Friday, so final editing will have to happen in the next day
and a half.
Your help is appreciated - we just need fresh eyes at this point.
Click on http://groups.google.com/group/tinycircustalk/web/grant---in-progress---black-rock-arts-foundation
- or copy & paste it into your browser's address bar if that doesn't
work.
Jenn
Mar 12, 2009, 10:11:33 AM3/12/09
to TinyCircusTalk
I had good intentions to make it through this whole thing...but am
admittedly only gonna make it half way though. Just a couple things.
In general there seems to be a number of long complex, run on
sentences. Something I notice because I tend to write in that way too.
Not that I think it's a huge issue, I would just make sure i's not the
norm. At times I think it distracts from the fact that TC does indeed
have a clear picture of purpose, process, etc.
Question 2 answer, paragraph 1: The word "like" is used a lot and
there's a missing word. May consider revising to avoid redundancy.
Example (with omitted word included):
"The films present imagined histories of a variety of subjects such as
rain, smiles, or maps. The show will be presented at community events
including county fairs and art festivals, as well (as) impromptu
showings in places like big-box parking lots and small-town parks."
Same question, paragraph 3, last sentence: I think there's an extra
"or" after the first develop.
" We will further develop (or) and present our show to the public as
well as further develop and implement the community storytelling
process/curriculum we devised last summer with local community
members.
Great job everyone. I can't even tell you how excited I am for you all
to get your butts to Grinnell this summer. I'm all geared up to cook
and bake and come offer impromptu yoga to help keep you all happy and
healthy :)
admittedly only gonna make it half way though. Just a couple things.
In general there seems to be a number of long complex, run on
sentences. Something I notice because I tend to write in that way too.
Not that I think it's a huge issue, I would just make sure i's not the
norm. At times I think it distracts from the fact that TC does indeed
have a clear picture of purpose, process, etc.
Question 2 answer, paragraph 1: The word "like" is used a lot and
there's a missing word. May consider revising to avoid redundancy.
Example (with omitted word included):
"The films present imagined histories of a variety of subjects such as
rain, smiles, or maps. The show will be presented at community events
including county fairs and art festivals, as well (as) impromptu
showings in places like big-box parking lots and small-town parks."
Same question, paragraph 3, last sentence: I think there's an extra
"or" after the first develop.
" We will further develop (or) and present our show to the public as
well as further develop and implement the community storytelling
process/curriculum we devised last summer with local community
members.
Great job everyone. I can't even tell you how excited I am for you all
to get your butts to Grinnell this summer. I'm all geared up to cook
and bake and come offer impromptu yoga to help keep you all happy and
healthy :)
Jason Reitz
Mar 12, 2009, 12:48:56 PM3/12/09
to ferguso...@gmail.com, TinyCircusTalk
Just reading through this, looks good, justing going to put some thoughts down below for clarification. Overall I would make the language more affirmative, so not so much we hope to, but more of we will, if its to we hope, the wish is, then I think they might not see it being as thought out or strong as we hope. With that also form the language to show the adaptability and the ability of this project to meet the needs of the variety of topics it will encounter.
3. The audience I think they want who the people that are going to participate, not who is going to watch, so maybe take out the part on there is no real audience, and talk more about these people and our desire to reach them, why, how. But emphasis the part about people disengaged from art, also might want to put it into the context showing the different spheres of influence this project will have, so the person, the community, the larger community, the transformed environment, this might add some flow to this section as now it is a little choppy.
5. Really make a strong point here why it furthers the BRAF missions, make it very clear, they will like that.
6. Talk about the communities, so like are these people that already know each other and are going to be able to reach further as a result of cricus or are they people that don't know and are going to be brought together by the circus, probably some of both and all, but just talk about this as I feel its good to build on strong community connections that are established but also projects like this have the ability to bring in new groups and players, but we need to be able to empower these communities to a point to be able to take something with them and transfer what they have learned into something their community needs, I don't know if that is very clear, but I think you get my drift.
7. Might talk about reaching out to current community leaders in the places we will be going and working with and through them to build this event and cooping with them so they then have an increased community when we leave, so talk about how we are going to open doors in the places we will travel to.
Timeline looks great, might try and define clearer who might be around at times, so like 12 people for june july- then 6 for august, etc... I think it just helps to clarify and gives them a better mental image of what is going on, plus helps to show we are legit.
OK that is what I got for now, if you have any questions give me a call tonight, I have to get to my day job, but only for like 2 more weeks. Peace
Jason
3. The audience I think they want who the people that are going to participate, not who is going to watch, so maybe take out the part on there is no real audience, and talk more about these people and our desire to reach them, why, how. But emphasis the part about people disengaged from art, also might want to put it into the context showing the different spheres of influence this project will have, so the person, the community, the larger community, the transformed environment, this might add some flow to this section as now it is a little choppy.
5. Really make a strong point here why it furthers the BRAF missions, make it very clear, they will like that.
6. Talk about the communities, so like are these people that already know each other and are going to be able to reach further as a result of cricus or are they people that don't know and are going to be brought together by the circus, probably some of both and all, but just talk about this as I feel its good to build on strong community connections that are established but also projects like this have the ability to bring in new groups and players, but we need to be able to empower these communities to a point to be able to take something with them and transfer what they have learned into something their community needs, I don't know if that is very clear, but I think you get my drift.
7. Might talk about reaching out to current community leaders in the places we will be going and working with and through them to build this event and cooping with them so they then have an increased community when we leave, so talk about how we are going to open doors in the places we will travel to.
Timeline looks great, might try and define clearer who might be around at times, so like 12 people for june july- then 6 for august, etc... I think it just helps to clarify and gives them a better mental image of what is going on, plus helps to show we are legit.
OK that is what I got for now, if you have any questions give me a call tonight, I have to get to my day job, but only for like 2 more weeks. Peace
Jason
amy santo
Mar 12, 2009, 2:06:58 PM3/12/09
to TinyCircusTalk
goosebumps! i think you are there. the language is direct and
concise. i worry about mentioning self funding as an option. i feel
as though the effect of not recieving the funding should be more dire.
i.e: the schedule would be altered to fit the funding, we would only
travel one pod and less aritists.
two sentences that could be stronger:
As we move from place to place, the Tiny Circus participants list
will expand to include these community participants.
Through this encounter, the audience will be transformed into artists
and, momentarily, the artists will become the audience.
it's funny because they are almost the same sentence. i think they
stand out because it's the guts of the circus and has to have some
magic but still fit in a very formal piece of writing.
concise. i worry about mentioning self funding as an option. i feel
as though the effect of not recieving the funding should be more dire.
i.e: the schedule would be altered to fit the funding, we would only
travel one pod and less aritists.
two sentences that could be stronger:
As we move from place to place, the Tiny Circus participants list
will expand to include these community participants.
Through this encounter, the audience will be transformed into artists
and, momentarily, the artists will become the audience.
it's funny because they are almost the same sentence. i think they
stand out because it's the guts of the circus and has to have some
magic but still fit in a very formal piece of writing.
Sarah Salway
Mar 12, 2009, 5:06:09 PM3/12/09
to amy santo, TinyCircusTalk
Thought it was great - looking at other comments I guess you have edited it already as you've been going. Agree with Amy about the audience participation being crucial - do you think you should say about the facilitation for the skills learnt to be taken elsewhere? So community groups are not just participating by being part of the audience, but learning new skills as well, eg are they making the homemade paper lanterns? And each artist participating will also be teaching other groups elsewhere etc etc. Also there seems to be a sentence unfinished - The core artists of the Circus will be joined by college students and many short-term. Might just be a UK grammar thing though.
www.sarahsalway.com
From: amy santo <santof...@gmail.com>
To: TinyCircusTalk <tinycir...@googlegroups.com>
Sent: Thursday, 12 March, 2009 18:06:58
Subject: [tinycircustalk:94] Discussion on grant---in-progress---black-rock-arts-foundation
From: amy santo <santof...@gmail.com>
To: TinyCircusTalk <tinycir...@googlegroups.com>
Sent: Thursday, 12 March, 2009 18:06:58
Subject: [tinycircustalk:94] Discussion on grant---in-progress---black-rock-arts-foundation
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