Tini Kerasih Linklink Updates 270322

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If I was a song it would be written by Mitski ft. Lana del rey . I have been living on my own for almost three years. Being adultish and all the likes but still struggling with every thing an adult should know. Whose idea was it to decide that kids who had to ask to go to the bathroom and have parent teacher conferences for eighteen years to be thrown out to a world that bites them as soon as they mature . I turn twenty in exactly one month . While some people would celebrate being a year closer to legally drink , I feel like turning into myself and crying. I just hate how I'm not living the 'dream' . If this is the real world how cruel it really is. Surprisingly the past few months I disappeared I was quite happy and stable. Now I like to believe I'm still stable but my happiness is like a cup tittering on the edge .Very few things make me happy and I'm trying to change that .Its just extremely hard to when you get no reprieve . I like to describe my depression like the ocean. At first the water is extremely shallow only at my ankles nothing to worry about . I occasionally look down. Sometimes the water its barely on my feet, other times its below my knee. But now the water is waist length and the tide is slowly pulling me from land. I'm not panicking but panicking . I can fix this if I find a good solution or at least a life guard. I quit my old job that was causing me to get headaches and nosebleeds and got a new job closer with less hours . No more waking at five to go to work from six am to two pm, or even two to ten pm . No more stress . Or that's what I thought . Everything no matter how big or small can make me crack. Every job is stressful , life itself is stressful but I don't know if I can handle this .I cant imagine doing this for another fifty years . Just being miserable. Medicines that don't work. Struggling to make ends meet. No friends, no connections . This world runs on souls and blood in exchange for money . Only I find some super awesome solution I have no idea what I'll do . I just feel extremely hopeless and guilty for just being sad. But I'm looking going to try to be positive and hold on for future things to come .Hopefully one day I can move on from this :)
Maybe if I find a boyfriend I'll have something to look forward too .Haha who knows when that'll happen , I'm extremely picky when it comes to men. And I have peculiar taste. Its like finding a needle in a haystack . I also kinda wanna work on myself because I'd feel guilty getting into a relationship like this . But its not that easy especially since bipolar has no cure and I know I will most definitely have ups and downs. my wishful thinking is that I can tamper down just a tad .Maybe I can find a boy who wouldn't care I'm halfway to crazy town . Who would find it endearing that I talk to myself and repeat conversations we had fifteen minutes prior. I guess the hardest part would have to be being seen in a depressive state. Or even worse in a manic state. Oh well, I might .. trick someone and then show my crazy side wahahahaha .. ha ha .. hah.

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