The 8 Dumbest Gadgets Batman Ever Used
You could say that Batman's secret power is intelligence, determination or the magical end-all trump card that is "prep time," but let's face it: his real power is money. How the hell else could he afford to putter around in his huge lab, in a massive Batcave, under a giant mansion, in between working volunteer graveyard shifts? While Bruce Wayne's incessant tinkering has resulted in some iconic pop-technology like the Batmobile and the grappling hook gun, not every gizmo he slapped together between pages was a winner. We've compiled a list of the worst clunkers in Batman's storied arsenal below.
If you know your Adam West 60s Batman, you've probably already got one ridiculous gadget in mind. We're way ahead of you.
8. Bat-Female-Villain-Repellent
Bat-Shark-Repellent spray is sooo 1966. Bat-Female-Villain-Repellent is the new hotness, so hip and fresh that it should probably not be described by using "hip," "fresh" or "the new hotness." Borne from a crossover with Planetary that spanned several dimensions and several Batmans, it's tough to say just what's in a Female Repellent, but it probably includes catcalls and the piss-poor state of salary equality between men and women in this country. But hey, if there are aerosol compounds designed specifically to ward off sharks, evil women and lower-level Pokemon, there could be a whole world of sprays out there. Papercut-Between-Your-Fingers-Repellant? Dried-Ketchup-On-The-Ketchup-Bottle-Cap-Repellent? Bat-Shark-Repellent-Reference-Repellent?
7. Batman's Life-Saving Robot (later killed by Batman)
Most of Batman's gadgets seem to be designed to better fling him towards danger rather than preventing harm harm. Even something like a fireproof cape merely acknowledges that Batman is planning for the inevitable day when he puts himself in a position to be engulfed in flames without warning. So really, it was pretty thoughtful of a space alien to give Batman a robot guardian to get him out of the avoidable but entirely intentional peril he leaps into on a nightly basis. It works well at first, but the robot soon becomes a burden when he starts saving Batman at the most inopportune times and letting criminals get away unpunched. You know what they say: When a dog goes rabid and mildly impedes your crimefighting, there's only one course of action -- convince it to commit suicide.
After making it look like the robot accidentally killed Batman, the guardian short-circuited its grief modules and died on the spot. There's no two ways about it -- by making the guardian think it failed at its only job in the worst possible way, Batman straight-up murdered a robot built only for love. You can say "robots don't count," but Robin says it has a brain, which indicates at least some kind of primitive intelligence. Batman claims that he thought that the robot would Poochie-out and go back to his home planet (and probably die along the way) after failing his mission, but that doesn't explain why he didn't just reprogram him to work with the fire department or something. At the end of the issue, Batman pledges to place the inert robot corpse on display in his Batcave. It'll look nice next to the glass cases holding the costumes of the other sidekicks that died on his watch.
6. Spring-Loaded Bat-Ears
We've covered this before, but this was too good to ignore, and also it pads out the list pretty nice, don't you think?
Anyway, Batman's ears have varied wildly over the years, some as tall as Marge Simpson's hair and some as small as Mike Wazowski's nubbins in Monsters Inc. Some have speculated that this particular gadget would be impossible in Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, not because it's unfilmable by anyone other than Joel Schumacher, but rather because Ben Affleck's Batman has decidedly diminutive ears. But remember, Bat-fleck is supposed to be an older, seasoned crimefighter -- maybe his ears are short because he already shot them out of his skull and they're still out there somewhere, stuck in some goon's forehead. All we're saying is, stay til after the credits if you want to see where Ryan Reynolds has been since Green Lantern ended.
5. One Dollar
Back when Bruce Wayne was just starting out as Batman, he was kind of an arrogant prick. He even bet Alfred one whole dollar that he couldn't name Batman's weakness. Naturally, Alfred took this as a challenge. The dutiful butler hired some goons to re-stage a mugging that looked eerily like the Wayne family murder, and placed them in an alley for a few hours. When Batman finally found the set-up scene, the fake Thomas and Martha Wayne caught him by surprise and beat the shit out of him. That's when Alfred walked out of the shadows.
So, the butler proves his point (dead parents are considered weaknesses, duh), Alfred takes his dollar and Batman learns a valuable lesson.
But wait, why does Batman have a dollar in his utility belt? It looks like it takes up the whole pouch -- does he consider it a gadget? What does he use it for? Is there some kind of crimefighting breakroom with a functioning vending machine? Then again, if Alfred went to the trouble of rigging up this trap for Bruce, maybe he was the one who slipped the dollar into the utility belt just so he could make a dramatic gesture later on. So, our options are A) Batman keeps petty cash in his belt in case he craves Bugles on the job, or B) Alfred is the real Batman.
4. Bat-Flamethrower
We've already detailed the embarrassing exploits of a broken Batman that lead up to this gadget, but here's the CliffsNotes version: While Bruce Wayne was recovering from an appointment with self-styled chiropractor Bane, a pony-tailed dweeb named Jean-Paul Valley took over as the new Dark Knight, wearing a souped-up Batsuit that looked like a cross between a Power Rangers Megazord, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and 20 Other Things That Only 90s Kids Will Get. After defeating Bane, J-P went on to make further "improvements" to the suit, including a shuriken-launcher, a red thing above his eye and seriously a SHURIKEN LAUNCHER. Because that wasn't enough, he built in a god damned flamethrower.
Jean-Paul was going nanners, as it were, and became obsessed with the "cleansing flame" provided by a MacGuyvered BIC lighter and a shit-ton of lighter fluid. This was an affront to Bruce Wayne, who objected to the barbaric weapon, famously coining the phrase "This is not 'Nam, there are rules." The Batmen fought and you can probably guess which one came out the victor. You might be able to spin this as Classic Batman taking on the muscle-bound pouch that was superhero comics in the 1990s, but on some level DC really was trying to push a new edgy Batman that was so badass that he would revel in lighting his enemies on fire. It's more overkill than getting an Excessive Overkill in Unreal Tournament while listening to 80s thrash metal band Overkill.
And really, come on. Classic Batman would never do something as stupid as attaching combustibles to his limbs.
3. Bat-Jet-Rollerskates
Batman has a ton of vehicles at his disposal, like the Batpod, Batplane and others, each sold separately?. So it's more than a little suspect when Robin asks Batman if, instead of using one of their many modes of transportation, they could instead crazy-glue a couple firecrackers to some stolen shoe rentals from Skate Palace. Look at it this way: A Batmobile seats two and has airbags and has lots of gadgets, the Batplane has the power of fucking flight and the Batboat has domain over any canals, inlets and fjords you can throw at it. All of those would be sound alternatives to going slightly faster than a waitress at a drive-up fast-food restaurant.
2. Bat-USB-Stick
At first, this doesn't seem like a big deal. It's just your typical USB flash drive. Batman probably has hundreds of these laying around so he can give intel to police and other superheroes in a secure fashion. They all know it's from Batman because it's got the bat-symbol on it -- and that's the most baffling part.
Batman's ego is so big, his need for himself to become a symbol is so great that he puts a bat shape on everything he touches. His whole life is like Gotham's version of "Put a Bird on It!" You can just imagine him toiling away in his Batcave during the day, scribbling bat symbols on flash drives with a Sharpie just so he can look cool when he hands them to people. Where does it stop? Does he use bat Emojis at the end of all of his text messages? Does he draw bats on his lunch in the Justice League refrigerator? Does the bat symbol even adorn his batpoon?
Wait, batpoon?
1. BATPOON
It's okay, you can have a second. Get it all out. Yes, Batman's mini-harpoon gun is called a batpoon. Yes, it's a term that favors word economy at the expense of sounding like the most popular room at the DC Comics brothel. Yes, according to the second panel above, Batman was generous enough to give Robin some batpoon on the occasion of his birthday. Grow up, guys. It was a different time. It's not a big deal.
Really, it's not hilarious at all. Saying "batpoon" out loud right now -- sitting in front of your computer or while looking at your phone on the bus with a dozen strangers in earshot -- won't do anything. It's definitely not the most fun you'll have all day.
Tristan Cooper is not on Twitter, so don't bother following him.