BE A COMFORT TO YOUR HUSBAND

[Zaafirah Muhammad-Ali]

Be a Comfort for Your Husband

The burdens of life weigh heavily upon the shoulders of men since they are responsible for maintatining and supporting their families. In fulfilling this responsibility, the man of the household must confront many problems and obstacles outside of the home. Some of these problems may be the pressures of work, the hassles of traffic and commuting from the office to home, concerns over economical and political issues of the day, empathy and concern for friends and colleagues, and the pressures of trying to improve the livint conditions oI his family. The amount of preoccupations and pressures upon a responsible man is enormous and multifaceted. It is no wonder that the average lifespan of a man is less than the woman.
In order for the human being to be able to cope with the burdens of life it is necessary to have someone to listen to and sympathize with him. Your husband is no exception. Hemay feel alone and in need of finding refuge and comfort amidst these pressures. It is natural that the man looks towards his wife and family as a source of comfort and relief. Therefore, anticipate his expectations and needs. Be cordial and warm when he first returns home after working and have refreshments or let him feel that you are at his disposal to care for his needs. Try not to overwhelm him with criticizing him the minute you see him. Let him rest and recover his strength before putting up the demands of the family’s personal issues.
When your husband comes home, try to have a smile and a warm greeting for him. Attend to his physical needs of fatigue, hunger, and thirst. Then ask him about his problems. If he is not willing to talk, be a good listener and sympathize with him. Try to express your genuine concern and then help him realize that the problems are not as impossible and huge as he had thought. Give him encouragements of support to help him cope with the issues. You can say something like this: These problems are being faced by many people. With a strong will-power and patience, it is possible to overcome the difficulties as long as one does not let the problems get the better of you. These problems, as a matter of fact, are testsas well as builders of the true character of a person. Do not despair. You can solve them through determination and perseverance.
If you have some ideas on handling the problems, share them with your husband. If not, maybe you can suggest a good friend who is more qualified.
Dear lady! at times of difficulty, your husband is in need of your attention and love. You should come to his aid and nurse him like a sympathetic psychiatrist and wife. What a psychiatrist could give the amount of care that you would give? Do not underestimate your ability to soothe and strengthen him. There is no one more devoted and concerned over your husband’s well-being other than yourself. He would be able to draw strength from your devotions to him and cope with his problems which will relieve his emotional and mental pressures. Consequently, the mutual bond of respect and love would also be greater which can only lead towards strengthening your marital relatioship.
“In a Tradition, Imãm Sadiq (AS) stated: ‘There is nothing better in the world than a good wife. And a good wife is the one whose husband, becomes glad upon seeing her’.”37
“In a Tradition,Imãm Ridã (AS) stated: ‘There are a group of women who raise many children. They are kind and sympathetic. They support their husbands in times of difficulty and in the affairs of this world and the next. These women do not commit any acts whichwould incur a loss upon their husbands nor multiply their difficulties’.”38

Be Appreciative

If a person is generous and charitable with the wealth that he has acquired from hardwork, the appreciation and notice given in response to such acts will warm that person’s inner feelings and give him a feeling of accomplishment. Acts of goodwill may then become second nature to the person whereby it becomes a habit to spend and share one’s wealth for those in need. However, if the acts of goodwill are taken for granted and unappreciated, the person may lose the desire and drive to do good. It would be natural for a person to conclude that it was a waste to give away his hard earned money when it was unappreciated.
Gratitude and appreciation are admirable characteristics in a person and it is the secret by which one may attract charitable acts.
Even Allah has mentioned that gratitude for His blessings are conditional on the continual perpetuation of his grace upon mankind:
“And when your Lord made it known: Jfyou are gratefulj would certainly give to you more, and if you are ungrateful, My chastisement is fully severe (14:7).”
Dear madam! your husband is also human. Like everyone else, he enjoys being appreciated. He is willing to support his family and regards it as a moral and lawful obligation. When he is thanked and appreciated for doing his duty, those duties no longer seem to be a burden.
Whenever he buys home appliances or something like clothes and shoes for you and the children, be happy and thank him. Show your gratitude for the trivial things he does such as buying groceries, taking the family on trips and gives you your allowance. By showing your appreciation, you will make your husband feel good and rewarded for the trouble he has taken. Be careful that you do not take his duties for granted and become indifferent towards his contributions to the family. He may become disheartened about the welfare of the family. He may prefer to spend his money elsewhere or on himself.
If a friend or relative presented you with a pair of stockings or a bunch of flowers, you would thank them repeatedly. So it is only natural and fair to show appreciation to your husband for his consideration and thoughtfulness. Do not think that you would be belittling yourself by demonstrating your appreciation. On the contrary, you would be loved and cared for more because you appreciate the efforts of your husband whereas snobbism and selfishness can only lead towards great misfortunes.
The following are some Traditions referring to the characteristics of gratitude:
“Imâm Sadiq (AS) stated: ‘The best women among your women are those who show appreciation when their husbands bring home something and are not discontented if nothing is brought home.
“Imäm Sädiq (AS) also stated: ‘Any woman who says to her husband that she has not seen any good things from him then she has fallen in her credibility and has voided her acts of worship’.”
“The Messenger (SA) of Allah stated: ‘Whoever does not thank the people who help him is, in fact, not showing his gratitude to Allah for His Blessings’.

Do not Look for Shortcomings

Nobody is perfect. Some are too tall or too short, or too fat or too skinny, have a big nose or a small one, talk too much or are too silent, are bad-tempered or too easy-going, have a very dark complexion or a very fair complexion, or eat too much, or too less, and the list can continue. Most men and women have some of these shortcomings. It is the hope of every man and woman to find a spouse who is perfect but such hopes are unrealistic. It is unlikely to find a woman who regards her husband as perfect.
Those women who are in search of faults in their husbands will undoubtedly find them. They would find a trivial shortcoming and exaggerate it by dealing on the matter to the point that it becomes an unbearable impediment. This defect then replaces all the merits of the husband. They always compare their husbands with other men. They have established a so-called ideal man in their imaginations whose standards do not fit in their husbands. Therefore, they are always complaining about the shortcomings in their marriage. The women regard themselves as unfortunates and failures which gradually turn them into spiteful women.
What does such behaviour in a woman do to her husband? He may be a very patient person who can tolerate the rudeness but most likely he will become insulted and develop a grudge against her. This would likely lead towards mutual arguments and elaborations of the shortcomings in each other. They will both become contemptuous of each other and their life will turn into a series of rows and arguments. Thus, they will either live in misery together or go for a divorce. In either case, both will lose, especially when there is no guarantee that another marriage may prove otherwise.
It is a pity that some women are ignorant and obstinate in their ignorance. It is possible that they may shatter their family life over a trivial matter. The following are some illustrative cases of such women:
“A woman left her husband and went to her father’s house because her husband had bad breath. She was not prepared to go back home until he corrected his problem. On the basis of the husband’s complaint, the court reconciled the couple and the wife returned to him. When the couple went home, the wife could still smell his bad breath so she went into another room. The husband went crazy and killed her’.”42
“A female dentist divorced her husband because he was not on the same level as her; he had graduated three years after her’.”43
“A woman applied for a divorce because her husband used to sit on the floor and eat with his fingers, did not shave everyday and did not know how to socialize with others’.”44
Of course all women are not like this. There are those who are intelligent, realistic, and aware enough that they do not foolishly jeopardize their marriage and happiness by exaggerating the shortcomings of their husbands.
Dear madam! your husband is a human being like you. He is not perfect, but he may have many merits. If you are interested in your marriage and your family then do not set out to find his weaknesses. Do not regard his small defects as important. Do not compare him with an ideal man whom you have established in your mind. There may be some faults with your husband which are not present in others. But you should remember that other men may have other defects which are non-existent in yours. Be satisfied with his merits. You will consequently see that his merits outweigh his faults. Besides why should you expect a perfect husband when you are imperfect yourself. If you are proud enough to think you are perfect, then ask others.
“The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: ‘There is nothing worse for human beings than to seek the faults of others, while ignoring their own flaws’.”45
Why should you exaggerate a trivial fault? Why should you shatter your life for the sake of something unimportant?
Be wise? Stop being frivolous! Ignore the faults and do not mention them in front of or behind your husband. Try to create a warm atmosphere in your family and enjoy the blessings of Allah.
However, there may be flaws in your husband’s character which you may be able to correct. If so, then you can succeed only by behaving considerately and with patience. You must not criticize him or start a row, but approach him in a friendly manner.

Don’t Look at Anyone Other Than Your Husband

Dear lady! before your marriage you may have had other offers of matrimony. These offers may be from rich, educated, handsome men, etc whom you may have wished to marry. Such expectations were natural before your marriage. But now that you have chosen your partner and signed a sacred covenant with him to be together for the rest of your life, then forget the past altogether. You must put aside your past wishes and forget those past offers. Do not think of any men except your husband and find peace with him. If you do otherwise you will place yourself in a strained condition.
Now that you have agreed to live with your husband, why should you be constantly noticing other man? Why should you him with others? What do you achieve by looking at other men except putting yourself in a permanently miserable state and cause mental anguish for yourself?
“Imãm ‘All (AS) stated: ‘Whoever leaves his eyes at liberty, will always suffer through his nerves, and will be trapped in a permanent state of envy.
By looking at other men and comparing your husband with them, you will find a man who does not have your husband’s faults. You might then think that man is perfect, because you are not aware of the deficiencies of such a man. You regard your marriage as a failure and this thought might lead to disastrous ends.
“Mrs..., an 18-year old woman who had run away from home was arrested by the police last night. In the police station the woman said that, after three years of marriage, she gradually felt that she did not love her husband. She said: ‘I used to compare my husband’s face with other men and I regretted my marriage with him’.”47
Dear madam! if you are interested in an everlasting marriage; if you do not want mental distress; and if you want to conduct a normal life, then stop being selfish and forget your vain hopes. Do not make compliments for other men. Do not think of any man other than your husband. Do not think to yourself:
‘‘I wish I had married so and so;
“I wish my husband looked like...;”
“I wish my husband’s job was...;”
“I wish...,” “I wish...” “I wish...”
Why should you imprison yourself with these thoughts? Why should you upset the foundations of your marriage? If any of those wishes had come true, how would you know that you would have been more satisfied? Are you sure that the wives of those so-called “faultless” men are satisfied with them?
Dear madam! if your husband suspects that you show interest in other men, he would be disheartened and would lose interest in you. You must not cut jokes with other men or keep company with them. Men are so sensitive that they cannot even tolerate their wives to show an interest in a picture of another man.
‘The Holy Prophet (SA) stated: eAny married woman who looks at other men, would be subject to the vehement wrath of Allah’.”48

 

JOIN US NOW AT:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/imamezamanatt

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/islamicnews/

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ahlul-bayt_of_islam/

 

  

 

 

Tasleemah Zaafirah Muhammad-Ali

---

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.