[I am Woman-Words, Thoughts and Reflection] Mental Evaluation?

[Sasha Shantel]

So I haven't blogged for a while. It's been rather impossible to. In between fighting the demons that call itself the flu, and the constant bouts that I keep getting. I have also been fighting the negative thoughts that I grinded there way into my subconcious. It's my birthday tomorrow, and normally I am very excited about my birthday. In fact, I sit down with a pad and pen and jot down what I want as a present and who I want it from. But, this years been drastically different. I am turning the BIG 25! and it has upset me more than I realised.

I hate the fact that I may sound shallow, but they are genuine insecurities, which I have allowed to rise up to the surface. A few weeks ago, I got offered a really cool modelling opportunity, and I was able to make myself available, I was the right frame, stature, the right look. Well it seemed like I ticked all the right boxes. However, once they discovered that my the time the shoot came round, I would be 25 they actually said that they were looking for a younger model.

I like to think that I am strong, and over the years I have taken my fair share of rejection. But, this hit hard! I am normally a bag of positivity and I genuinely enjoy passing that positive energy and encouragement to others. Yet, this played on my mind. All of a sudden I allowed one persons views to distort my own and I was looking in the mirror and asking whether I looked 25!

But the crazy thing is, what does 25 look like. I look young, even when I try to buy cigarettes for my mum, I get asked for I.D! What is the difference between the Sasha who is 24 on Friday 16th April 2010-to the 25 year old I will be on the Saturday 17th April. The whole incident, just made me question my entire path. I mean I look at the industry and I see raw talent, true potential. But,I struggle to market myself because I have always seen myself as a fitness model, due to the fact that I work everyday and have a toned physique. Yet, after approaching around 1000 agencies for fitness related modelling and being told I am not their 'type', it can all get a little confusing.

I mean, there was a time when I was convinced that I should build a website. To me it seemed like a natural progression, the next step, so to speak. But, then the issue is the content. I already established that I would put articles written by me, and nice pictures, but then what else. Nothing is worse than having a website, where the content is not updated enough. It runs the risk of becoming old and stagnant and I would want mine to remain in date and constantly updated with new info.

Then its the images. Now, I have never been one to do pictures with my backside in the air, or my hand down my crotch. I just cannot do it, and whilst I have no issue with those models who do, I can't see myself in those poses. Yet, its those same images that DO gain responses and increased views. So, that's the main dilemma.

I also at one point thought, that management was the way. However, in all honesty I have lost count on the people who say they will manage me, but do not. Then there are all the short films I have been involved in, that have strong casts, yet still happen to fall on their face.

So, yes there was a brief period when I felt like I should walk away. But, that time has passed, because I am never one to take defeat and I feel that with all this, I am just being tested. I have many strings to my bow and I feel that soon I will strike the right cord!

So when I said I was quitting Modelling- the truth is I am only quitting the association I have with it. I am no longer going to bog myself down, nor will I compare my successes with those of others. I feel like at last. I can appreciate all I have accomplished, and I feel that I am going to be a fantastic 25,26 and 27 year old, and never again will I allow the negative stigmas to knock myself belief or take me off my path.

So thankyou to everyone who messaged me, stating their concerns.

All is well.

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Posted By Sasha Shantel to I am Woman-Words, Thoughts and Reflection on 4/16/2010 11:19:00 AM